tiistaina, lokakuuta 31, 2000

I want to kick someone right now.

I bought Soundi mag today. article about Radiohead, Björk and such. Yummy. I have to pic Sue, City and others from city tomorrow, so I'll have something to read in the train. I miss Nobody already. I wonder, Im away 4 days...will he forget me in that time? Hopefully not. He's all I care about. ALL. almost. ,)

tiistaina, lokakuuta 31, 2000

Joo. En tykkää yhtään. Pitäisikö alkaa kirjoittaa soomeksi. No way sis. Uh. ARGH. There's always someone to catch me when I fall. I just love DITD soundtrack selmasongs...Uuuaaa. I cleaned my room! In night! I didnt make noise. I tried to be quiet. Maybe I should use to languages...Tai jotain. Ah. No? I changed my cd's in another place. I want more cd's. I want to find Julie Ruin and Bikini Kill cd's but it's not possible. I've searched everywhere, and I dont have visa card, so I cant get any from amazon.com...I have one BK cd bootleg. 8) I want to fill myself with beats and run in the rain. In Kajaani they have snow on the ground. Here we had snow as a rain, but then it turn to be water and then I was sad. But in Kajaani. SNOW...Its so nice. Im quite happy cause always in my memory I've had white birthday.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 31, 2000

one guote from The English Patient - 'every night I cut of my heart off, but it was full again'...beautiful.

Gosh. Im going to be sick. Someone push me against the hard wall pointing me with mental gun.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 31, 2000

I wrote most beautiful and intimate log last night. I was saving it and then my computer tilted. It was horrible. I felt so empty. Like I was opening myself totally first time in my life and then some sarcastic power in my life took it away and put wall against my face like for note that no your not going to do that. FUCK. :P

Malla had concert last night. Vivaldi 4 seasons. Im sad that I couldnt saw it. I miss her. Anyway...Im heating to Kajaani in wednesday. Tomorrow I'll meet Eka, Jani and Petrus (im not sure about him, will he come, but I'll see it tomorrow. I miss his company.) Dunno what were going to do, cause Jani didnt tell any plans, but If I knew him well, were going to have jolly good fun time.

Thelma & Louise kick ass. I saw it tonight. Last night I saw most beautiful movie in ages - The English Patient. (Joseph Fiennes...hot hot hot ;) In saturday I saw Bed of Roses...which is Cristian Slater movie...and nice one. Two movies that make me angry cause there is no life like that. There is no love like that. In my world anyway. Im so mentally broken, that I dont let my heart be open enough. I just get brust of something, but I dont never let myself totally into. Cause I afraid so much. I love but I dont....l o v e. If you know that I mean. I dont know how to explain it. Laters.

Oh...I just cleaned my beautiful mimosa (flower) from floor...Nobody was playing gliffhanger and drop it from my bookshelf. ARGH. So Im having sand and plans all over my floor and bed now. Happy happy joy joy.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 31, 2000

maanantaina, lokakuuta 30, 2000

I've seen too many movies again. Too many movies with things that hurt me. And that thing is love. Love hurt me. let me get back from this topic later. Nobody needs a play mate now. :)

maanantaina, lokakuuta 30, 2000

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 29, 2000

I play dead...It's snowing...me and Petrus were at torni today to pick his camera. it was so fucking cold and windy. We went inside, came back in 5mins and then WHUM white bluffy snowdrops were raining all over me. I think that most beautiful think in winter is first snow rain, no mater what. Nature look so fragile. After it most beautiful thing is when spring comes and little little rivers run down the hill and birds sings. And autumn...or early fall when nights are dark and its still warm. My heart is bursting love for images inside my head. I try to forget, Im happy and Im sick.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 29, 2000

My Wu-Tang Clan Name is Erratic Killer...Hey, does it really fits in me? Yeah, I think so too ;)

Anyway...Were in winter time. I forget whole thing and woke up at 10am...but it was really 9am, but I didnt know that. It was horrible to notice that WHY in earth I cant see my fav cartoons on tv...I almost made huge panic about it, til my step-father woke up too and inform me about it. Anyway. Nobody know how to get in my bookshelf. He glimb up usuing my curtains as a elevator, and then when he's up he will jump to upper shelf. Then I hear horrible noise when all my glassbottles and such fall down. Im too short so I cant take Nobody away from there. AHhaha :P Nice to wake up when bottles rain in your bed.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 29, 2000

perjantaina, lokakuuta 27, 2000

btw - first winter day here in south part of Finland. Usually in my birthdays whole norther Finland is covered by snow. Well it is. And I quess that soonish Kajaani will get some snow too. But...hey...0 degreed!!!! COLD! :)) clear sky!! :))

perjantaina, lokakuuta 27, 2000

Im feeling sick. IM SO ANGRY. ARRRGH. I woke up at 8am, I went to city to meet mum and get my money. I planned to bought myself a birthday gift today...leather gloves. I spended 5min at city when I got phonecall from Petrus. He asked were I am, what Im doing, can he come over our place. I was like...mm...come to city, I have some things to do and then Im going home. He was like...mm no we'll meet at night in observatory then. It was ok for me. THEN! I got sms from him right sec after..."I had picture that you wanted some company, but maybe I was wrong..." Or something like that, I dont remember it anymore. WHAT?! If I dont run straight back home it doesnt mean that I dont want to be with him!!!! I get so angry. It was so unfare to say so. ARGH. ok...I got phonecall then from two old schoolmates I havent seen in months, Salla and Anna. I send sms from Anna's phone, but he didnt answer to it. Plaah. Well...I hanged with Salla and Anna one hour, find cool gloves Im going to pick up tomorrow and I found nice fabric wish Im going to buy and build bed and hiding place for Nobody. Then I came home at 14.00. Then I was so fucked up that I started to play cello like a mad man. I played 2h, I drinked some water, started to write this and now Im going to play some more. I hate when someone send me sms like that when I dont have saldo that I could call him and yell shout and such that "OK I DO FEW THINGS AND THEN LETS MEET!!!" but no... Buhuu.
This sound so childish and it is that. But...I dont know am I going to observatory tonight. It's amusing. Ahhah. Uh. :P
I want to go to Kajaani. ARGH. I want to yell. I hate to have one week that I should have spend in Kajaani, but Im here and I got nothing to do! I want to go and have fun with Malla. I want to go and meet mm...one person. Ahahha. Im happy/sad. Im hysterical.

Sanasi kuin NIELISI jotain terävää.

Im going to play all day and night. I dont care what neighbours think. I dont care. I dont really care. I just want to sink inside my own rosin-scented world and be one with cello, be the tune I play. I want to feel how tired my hands are, how I cant touch anything in hours cause my fingertips are so sensitive and hurting...how my hands will hang on my sides and how heavy they feel. I want to feel empty cause theres nothing more to say after I've played all my anger and such away.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 27, 2000

Happy birthday Numenor! ^_^

perjantaina, lokakuuta 27, 2000

torstaina, lokakuuta 26, 2000

I've been so tired and messed up past few days that I havent been able to update this page. I tell about it more later, but as you can see, Im not in Kajaani as I suppose to be right now. :P Yep. Shitty thing. But...in next wednesday then. If. Maybe. Hopefully.

torstaina, lokakuuta 26, 2000

tiistaina, lokakuuta 24, 2000

One thing...Janne is visiting turku in next week, when Im gone...I havent seen him in ages and I miss him so much that I could start cry right now. he's going to sweden in boat that leave from turku...so he asked can we meet before he have to go. Well...I was over too happy til I heard when he's coming...in next weeks tuesday! Im in Kajaani then. My luck. Everyone will come in my town when Im out from it. and when Im back I have to whine another year to get them even thinking about to visit me. I always have to use my money to go to Helsinki. So irritating. *snif* anyway...Im meeting Petrus tomorrow. Im having cello lesson tomorrow. Two nice thing. Tomorrow I also have to do other busy urgent things, but duh...Nobody is sweetest thing alive. I love him SO much. My heart is him totally. I'll never going to love anyone as much I love Nobody. Intelligent black cat. Im heating bed now. Night.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 24, 2000

Oh gee...

tiistaina, lokakuuta 24, 2000

I found great site...I just get depressed when I read it, but it's...LOL...well...check yourself...relationshit!

tiistaina, lokakuuta 24, 2000

maanantaina, lokakuuta 23, 2000

Im listening howling wolfs from radiomafia. Im in sassy mood.

I found another hilarious relationship test/quiz what ever...And this is what it said about me...
What's your kissing style?
You scored 18 points!
Romantic (17-23)
You love romance and like to be intimate when the mood and the moment are just right -- candles flickering, soft music playing, gourmet food and good wine flowing. No doubt this has made for many memorable moments in your life. After all, you know how, when and where to plant the perfect kiss. But while you're busy plotting and planning (or waiting for) those perfect kissing moments, you may be missing out on the spontaneous side of love and sex. Remember that spontaneity can lead to romance, too. An unplanned stroll through the park, an impromptu breakfast in bed or a shared shower on mornings when you're both running late can also lead to memorable moments -- and will definitely spark up your love life! You don't have to attack your lover every time you're in the mood, but kissing and cuddling even when the mood isn't quite right can create closeness and add intimacy to your relationship. So try kissing your man when he least expects it. Chances are, he'll be pleasantly surprised, and you may unleash a new passionate side of your relationship.

ahahah...DUH! This like...make me sick. 8) Romantic? In my ass. ;) mm...I need to know that is this blues song that is rolling in radio right now...its most beautiful song i've heard in week. My heart beat cause of this song. Can someone fall in love with music? I can. I dont fall in love with musicians, I just fall in love music they play. It's like...Im in trance and I go say that WOW your music is HOT...then some pathetic musician starts to "oh really...can I buy you a drink" (in his mind his thinking 'oh baby your hot too')...They like think that Im so in players but no...Im in to music. Tho, this scene I wrote have never happend to me, but I've seen close when something like this happend...many times! Poor musicians, they always think that theyre hotter than other ppl cause they play (royals...was the band in radio...gotta get that song somewhere) in stage. well...I dont mean it that way, I really now other kind of ppl, but almost every young musician just play cause they think that that way they will get all the chicks. :D ITS PATHETIC. Why to start, if you dont have urge to make good music with love. I dont even know why I started to bable about this topic. Some brainstorm Im having...Oh well...offline I go and start to baila with this over top too perfect radio program! Bless.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 23, 2000

I will survive...dumdidam...

maanantaina, lokakuuta 23, 2000

I've had quite busy weekend. In friday I had nice time at observatory. yeah, it was totally rainy and foggy night, but still Eka and others were there. After it Petrus and I came at 'my place' with his scooter. It was grazy! :D Anyway...He left at 4am...I went to sleep after 5, cause I was cleaning my floor from pee. Thanks to our dearest dog. Anyway. I spend saturday making Sorb-i-tol songs at Jukka's home studio. It was quite amazing how much stuff we really get done. I went there at 13.00 and I was home after 21.00...and I was death tired. I just ate and stared one swedish movie from tv. I was almost ready to bed then but I wanted to watch Buffy. Hee. One nicey thing: angel will return in next episode. No...I dont really like Buffy. It's just tv series that is so stupid that it's fun! You dont have to think anything while your watching it. I went to sleep after it. Today I woke up at 12 something. Then Petrus came, almost right after I woke up. I had nice day with him, we went to walk, talk...I always enjoy my time with him. He's so much like I am. One totally superious thing is that he watched Riget when it was on tv few years ago! Were both fans of it! 8) Anyway...Tomorrow I have to wake up early, go to make some paperworks ready (about my becoming job), visit in bank...Then at afternoon I might visit at Eka. Dunno yet. Have to call her. *try to remember to call her tomorrow* I also have to play cello and...mm...something I dont remember. I have to check which train Im going to take when I leave to Kajaani in thursday. I also have to do plenty of things. In tuesday Im having therapy, cello lesson and after it Im meeting Petrus. In wednesday I just hug Nobody 24h and already start to miss him before I leave. Dunno...Im so tired that I cant even think clearly. I just mumble all this boring details about what Im going to do and what I've done. I think you really enjoy to read stuff like that, huh? ;) Well...I dont care. I promise that tomorrow you'll meet another Lotta...Another Lotta who's going to bable about life's biggest questions and answers, about world war 2, about who killed JFK and are there life after death.

How sarcastic.

Björk is something I really need now. Uuu...Im hiphopper yes I am. That fucking mtv-hit have been rolling around my head all weekend. Isnt it sick? Im not fucking budhist, but this is enlightment. You cant say no to hope, you cant say no to happiness. Nighty.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 23, 2000

lauantaina, lokakuuta 21, 2000

Kiah. IM home again. Night at observatory was fun, but grey and rainy. Lift home with Petrus...and his fine and DANDY scooter. It was a bit cold to drive here in rainy night, but what a heck! Who cares. 8) Im drinking coffee. its nice contrast for cold cold night. Tomorrow some sorb-i-tol! Jukka will pick me at 13.00. Hopefully we get some songs made. Im bursting with ideas. Well lets see that then. And in sunday Petrus will come here again. He's here right now. In same room with me. He really drive like mad man. ;) No, I didnt fell out from his scooter...no...Im not that poor and pitifull girlie. I've been on top of harley davisson and little bikes SO many times...HAHAH...im over too super active right now that soon I start to scream. Today I went to do some paper works for my job. And one fucking GREAT news! VIRPI GOT JOB TOO!!! Its amazing. last time we were together, we both were over depressed about our situation, and now we both get jobs. It's perfect! Im happy for me and her. Yay. My cello classes were perfect too...my teacher is most perfect player in da world. We have so much fun togerher! Anyway...laters...

lauantaina, lokakuuta 21, 2000

perjantaina, lokakuuta 20, 2000

Im happy person. I enjoy my time with Petrus always SO much. Im listening UB. Im floating. I feel so empty, but still...Im more full of life than ever. I know that when I tomorrow wake up, this feeling is gone.

Im glad ppl like my lyrics for One raga for inspector. Im quite proud of that song. Im quite proud to be part of whole sorb-i-tol. I GOT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :))

I tell more later. Now...I need to go to sleep. Im slipping away. Nighty.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 20, 2000

torstaina, lokakuuta 19, 2000

Im bored. Soonish I have to catch a bus and ride to city to pick Petrus. Im sad that Im in Kajaani when they play another episode for Influenza...it's calledSamhain and it's horror game. Shame on me. If I might go play it...I wonder...could I play Tuuli again? Dunno. But no change. Soonish I have birthday. It's cold outside, windy, rainy and sad. I have cello classes tomorrow. My mother hates me. ;) And...My saldo is over. FUCK! It will open at 3.11 again. Just for my birthday. Nicey. I just have to be 2weeks without sending any sms.

torstaina, lokakuuta 19, 2000

I noticed one strange thing...when Im going in concert see the band, I always stare basist. 8) I dont know what IN EARTH make me always do that. One little point...I talk about this with my mother, sister, friends...They agree that almost always cutest, sexiest guy (almost always basist are males) in band is basist. Think about it. and gosh I hate it.

torstaina, lokakuuta 19, 2000

I just love this music im listening. song called 'kaunis ja ylpee' from Ultra Bra's newest cd. I had busy day. Tomorrow I also have another one. But one nice thing is I will meet Petrus. GOSH I havent been able to play cello in week! I've been running so fast all week that when I come home I start to sleep and then sleep sleep sleep. Im so tired. Im going to play more in weekend. In next thursday Im going to travel to Kajaani! YAY!!!! Im SO happy. Its my last trip before Xmas. Im going to spend my birthday there. Then I come back and I start my works! I got job!!!! YAY! My life is going pretty well...but inner life is pretty fucked up. 8) Im not stressed at all or anything like that but...tired. Uh. When I go to Kajaani, I will see RH Blues Bands last gig before Sari the singer will take brake for awhile 'cause of her pregnancy. Anyway...I minute ago sms from Numenor...Thanks for your support. Yes, it is good song. Im proud of it. I had fun to do it.

My heart beats fast. Im so thrilled about my so called life Im getting...job, band projects, life it self. You know...I had so much fun with Malla. I enjoy her company so much. She's one of the greatest thing in the world. She dont have to speak, I feel. Its amazing. after all were two SO uniq person, There should be no way we can even be in same room...but somehow we can handle it 8) Maybe we get along so well cause of that.

Nobody keeps running around this room like madman. Senni (my twinsister) will have exiting weekend. Her boyfriend (they've been together over 1year) will take her to meet his parents in his home for weekend! Thrilling. HAHAH...Poor girlie.

torstaina, lokakuuta 19, 2000

tiistaina, lokakuuta 17, 2000

This feels so unbelievable. It feels so totally strange to hear that ppl like your voice, your music and lyricks. Its amazing. I dont really know how to think about this, so Im just ok with it. Im just happy with it. I just try to make better work. Anyway...yesterday we were in place 183's. Today 58's! WOW...

Tomorrow Malla leave to Helsinki. Im going to meet my coming boss. Thursday Im going to meet Petrus, Im having cello classes...In friday I'll go to observatory, Im seeing Eka and Petrus and others there...In friday Im going make / record sorb songs with Jukka. Sunday I'll meet Petrus again. Gotta float. Laters.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 17, 2000

ARGH! I lost my blog! I wrote blog and I lost it! I hate this computer! ARGH! Malla is here. Im happy. I miss Petrus. I want to meet him in thursday. Hopefully he's able to meet me too. I noticed that official sorb-i-tol page have updated again. I feel so blushed about this...you know. it feels so strange that someone really likes my voice and lyricks and such. Really. *blush* Malla leave me in wednesday. It feels so perfect to have her here. Ekhowl and S7L called me today. I like to chat with them. I really love 'em both very much in my strange extraordinary way. Anyway. gotta go to sleep. Im SO tired. I havent been able to sleep in days! Malla is tired too. She awake at 5.30...cause her train left to turku at 6am something. Horrible. Nighty nite. Bless.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 17, 2000

maanantaina, lokakuuta 16, 2000

Turku Book Fair 2000, Science Fair 2000, Religion Fair 2000. I was working in Ursa's little box there. I've been working there every year cause there gotta be someone talking about Turun Ursa...Ok...Why? Well...I get freely enjoy Book fair, buy new books and such. Religion fair is quite interesting event too. Another reason is that Im good to sell books, I know about stars and Im woman, ppl ask things from me far more easily than from nerd-looking freak ;) It job. It's very hard. Im always half-death after 8h screaming (fairs have so much action around you that you have to shout when someone ask price of some book) and I go straight to sleep when I come home, cause I have to wake up very early to get work. from 10am-6pm. Im happy to be part of it every year, Im happy that Book fair's are just once in a year. More could be too much. After mum's weddings I slept less than 5 per night. Saturday was nightmare. Then I slept 6h last night. So I was totally totally tired today. I lost my voice!! I lost my voice!! It's terrible. I tell you later why. :~(

Anyway. 'cause of book fair, we decided to keep doors open at Tursa's observatory at nights. Im dont go work there often cause Im just lazy piece of **** usually. But in saturday I left 20min earlier from fair to home (just 2km walking), ate whole pizza (my mum was thoughtfull and bought me a huge pizza, just for me. it was great) and then I changed clothes and went to work in observatory. One reason I went there was Petrus! I've been talking about him earlier here. He's just a great guy. I've met him like 4 times and already I feel than he's more closer for me than usually ppl are. He have so much same inside him than I am. I just feel so free and happy to be what I am with him. We have fun togerher. He was working with me in book fair. Im happy that I found him. He's already dear friend to me. Its like in little prince. Fox say to Prince that If you say you come at 4, I start to already be happy at 3. My mother asked me, do I have a crush on him...no nothing like that (Im happy my mum knew what I mean). It's like deep feeling about deep knowledge that he's mm...soulmate? for me. He's just so fucking great thing in my life. I cant be greatefull enought. And he doesnt believe me about it 8) Hahha. Anyway. Im going to sleep. I've lost my voice, Im tired, Im happy and gloomy and depressed. Its 'cause I havent get any sleep in 4 days. Now Im going to do something about it. I miss summer breeze. I miss some of my friends. I miss long walks and talks with Sami. I miss ppl in Kajaani. Longing is part of my human nature. I know that Im living when Im feeling. Ok. Im half asleep. I decided to start to write one novel I've been working long time (3 years). It's like baby to me. Now Im ready to take care of it again. Maybe. let's see about that, righty? I've started to write poems too again, even haiku's and tanka's. Im also working with one shortfilm script. Argh. Argh? There's nothing to Arght about. Im just tired. Nighty. Bless.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 16, 2000

I've been totally busy after friday and weddings. Mum and Pentti are happily togerher...I got sms from my old old friend Malla. She have vacation right now (she lives in Kajaani. We use to be friends when we were kids and now we've found our friendship again.) and she said that "I have idea. I could stop by to spend few days there in turku. and of course it's fine and dandy for me. I dont usually get visitors just like that! I have to ask ask ask and then I have to wait year or two and then something happend. But this is amazing. Anyway. She got that idea 2½ days ago! And tomorrow she's here! :))

I had nice and very busy weekend. I tell more later in tonight. Hectick it was...I woke up at 8am and came home at 21-->pm in saturday and today. But somehow I love it. Tomorrow Im meeting my boss (In novermber he's going to be my boss, I suppose) and after it Im going to trainstation to pick Malla! Im having therapy and cello classes in week but I quess that Malla will find something to do for 45min without me. Im so fucking glad that she just come here!! YAY! Laters.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 16, 2000

perjantaina, lokakuuta 13, 2000

New Ultra Bra CD is here! Senni bought it straight away at morning when they released it! It is beautiful! It is hilarious! It is perfect! It's called Vesireittejä. It is best! :))

I made my pages all over last night but Im going to put 'em online when theyre ready. Nothing new as layot and such. Just text, links, some new things and pages. Yep.

2h and then theyre married. I have videocamera so I have to shoot whole thing. I have two empty cassette. I have two empty films cause I have to take photographs too. Nicey. Im waiting to get into shower. I have to make Emmi's hair ready. I have to make myself ready. Im going to wear red/black outfit. skirt, blazer, red top and red tights. 8) Anyway...Im ecxited. Laters.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 13, 2000

Im crazy for fonts.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 13, 2000

today in 4h my mother and Pentti will go married. Im happy for them. I dont have any present for them, cause I feel, that theres nothing I can give more than my love and comfort and happyness for them. I want that theyre happy today. I respect both of 'em so much.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 13, 2000

Im so horrible tired! I've re-design and update my pages whole night, before that I've cleaned house and such. I was a bit ill at afternoon so I had to pass my cello class. Horrible. Im SOOO tired. I hate myself when I stay awake all night coding till I fall asleep front of computer. Not fun.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 13, 2000

torstaina, lokakuuta 12, 2000

Im SO tired. Tonight Emmi, my so called step-sister will come here for a weekend or week...dunno. Anyway... She's great kid, but pain in the ass sometimes. I have to talk about her about the cat, she dont know that Nobody is here, she dont have no idea, cause her father (Pentti) want it to be suprise. OK...I know that Nobody hate giggling kids who try to get him play 24h, so I have to make some rules for Emmi, so Nobody wont hurt her. If you want to hear most annoying cry-sound, hit Emmi. It's horrible. It doesnt even sound like crying, It doesnt even sound like anything it is just very horrible noise that make you feel pain. And her laugh is yelling. But I still love her. ^_^ I've send too many sms today. With Virpi. She found perfect car! Black little chevy! Hey someone...would ya borrow me 30.000FIM? No? ok... One amazing news for all to see: Maisu (dog) and Nobody (my cat) sleep in same bed!! This is something totally amazing. I think is great news, Maisu have been creepy pain in the ass doggie over and week. Now she's relaxed and like Nobody and let him play and eat in peace. One minus thing is that when Nobody takes brake between eating and goes for poo, Maisu run and eat all his foods. I've eat dog cookies and food and it is ok. If Im someday so poor without food I'll share my dinner with Maisu. Still cats food...its something...totally horrible, so Nobody will eat his food all alone forever. Whatta happy bloke.

torstaina, lokakuuta 12, 2000

OK, this is pretty exciting!!!! Jukka mailed me that he opened mp3.com site for Sorb-I-Tol! This means that this is first song ever released with my vocals (and its silly that now anyone can listen my lyricks). Oh my. *shake her head* How can it feel so silly and same way thrilled. SO!!! GO and download our new song called One raga for inspector from there. It's very strange but cool indian style lounge song. We made it in studio month ago and first version was quite different than this is, but I must say that I love this song. Groovy!

And please no dont say anything about it after you've heard it ok? ;))

I came home awhile ago. Nobody is sleeping on my lap and Dog is whining. I should go out with her. Tiutau.

torstaina, lokakuuta 12, 2000

We have HUGE autumn storm out there! There's no way Im going to wear a skirt today. 8) I woke up at 7.45...I dont know how? Its amazing. I just jumped from bed and started to stare cartoon network. I decided to write some debrief about Tuuli and about whole influenza game today. Soonish I have to run to shower, my mother have to go lunch earlier than usually, and I want to be there then. Free lunch and coffee. I never miss those changes! :) I'll put some happykawaii music on and start to do something. Nobody slept on my pillow whole night. He's so warm and soft. I can hardly wait to see what he's going to be when he grown up! My uncle works with computers, I got this computer from him and now he said that he might give me a webcam! Whopee. Then you could see me always when Im online and when I keep that camera on. I'll never give anyone peek my life more than once in 5minute. Tihih. Oh God Im hyper active. I really need another cup of coffee. Laters.

torstaina, lokakuuta 12, 2000

OK. That's it. I wrote most beautiful blog AGAIN and AGAIN this horrible monster came to say hello to me and jumped to my keyboard and he delete it. ARGH. And again...Im not going to re-write it. This is like first time in ages im in poetic mood and start to write something heartaching stuff...maybe this is a sign that I just have to keep writing recular "I did this and that yes nice weather I need coffee and now I try to sleep"...yes, it must be it.

Im listening Björks bachelorette reply...This song is very dear to me, almost same kind of thing to me as a Björks another song called Play Dead. This has most beautiful poem as a lyricks. It has some amazing parts...Im a fountain of blood, in the shape of a girl, your the bird on the brim, hypnoticed by the whirl, drink me make me real... Maybe I live too much for music. I have tune for everything I do and live. I breat it, I live it. Is it too much? My heartbeats are music. Your the one who walks me, Im your one way street. I've quote these lyricks so in many moments in my life. This quote is very close to me:
your the one who growns distance when I beckon you near
Like a killer way trapped in a bay...Björk is genius with string orchestra. She knows perfectly how to use it. Anyway. Hi Malla. I know you read this, hopefully in one day. Im feeling ok. I've havent been playing cello after my last lessons...I've been so totally busy with these weddings and with these other things like paperworks before I get job in noverber. There's so much to do before it! I have to go to my old school and get few paper from there and such. I have paperwork but when you have to do it, you just have to. It takes a lot of strainght away. Im too tired to clear up my messy past life for new work-life. I just have to be brave and strong. I know I can do it. I just swallow myself inside me, I turn the hard-rock Lotta icon on and do it. I have to kick my own ass so much to get myself to move. I just want to show myself. I have to. I have to get my own life to my own hands. I've made some pretty fucked up mistakes in past 3 years, I've had some huge problems and I cant put blame on that, it's not only reason to get everything messy. Now I take some soap and clean my head and brains from that guiltyness I've build and carry with me. How I've kept all this shit inside me. I didnt go to school and act to my family that I went there everyday! It was horrible. It was horrible. It was so totally horrible. It was long ago...(over an year) and I still feel so horrible about it. I just have to put ice on my heart and brains and walk into that school and do all that messy paperwork as soon as its possible. I must be brave.

I've noticed that I like life in my own stupid sarcastic way. I have love/hate relationship to everything that past me by. Of course...if theres not bad there can be no good even. You just have to get along with both sides and then everything start to get clear. Im no fucking budhist, but this is enlightment...This is an alarmcall...so wake up wake up now!!
Bless.

torstaina, lokakuuta 12, 2000

I wrote long long long smooth and very deep-thought blog and Nobody came running and tap some button with his feet and I lost it. Murrr... Well...sadly enough. Im not even going to re-write it.

torstaina, lokakuuta 12, 2000

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 11, 2000

Yeah. Twin Peaks start in any minute...yeah I have loaded my videos to record it, yes I have relaxed feeling and yes Im pretty excited! Laters.

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 11, 2000

Eka will visit me today. She want to see Nobody. Hey exciting new: Nobody knows his name. And like to play with computer...he watch how cursor float around monitor screen and tap it. Cute cute cute cuteeee. :) Gotta start to make major cleaning in my room now. Wish me luck.

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 11, 2000

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

I had great day. I enjoy my happy feeling now till its gone again. I had so totally nice time with Petrus, I got phone call from one soul band and Im going to meet this bands boss tomorrow...I had...GREAT day!

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

You want to find your inner madonna? This is interesting. (Im listening radio news...theyre talking about something about new spacestation and situations about it) I wanna coffee. My cat made poo on living rooms corner. why? cause our dog didnt let him to run to my room where he's toilet is. damn that dog, she drives me gracy. She drives cat grazy too, cause she try to be close to him all the time, cause she somehow think that this CAT is her baby!?! Duh? I should take dog with me today to meet my therapisth cause she really seems to need one now. ;)

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

I woke up 5minutes ago. I hate this. I saw most beautiful and calm dream. I just was in the group of ppl I love (I didnt remember any faces) intimate deep chat. Nothing more. It was most enjoyable dream I've had in ages: My mother came 7.30am shouting "Wake up!!"...Im sooo tired. And quess what...reality is nightmare...coffee is end! We dont have any coffee in this whole house! I have to wait til clock is 9am when our closest store will be open, but one thing is that I dont have any money! Oh god. My luck. Second thing is that in 20-40min were going to have some pipe-workers checking our apartment. I hate it, dog will go totally mad about strangers who walk around the house and do work. And cat...Oh I want to go back to sleep an never wake up.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

There's always someone to catch me...when I i'd fall? Is there? mm...now I fall...to sleep. Bless.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

lol! nobody really love to hunt and chase this red lazer dot...i've used my left hand over and hour to just move that dot aound the floor and with another hand i write this. i hope i could have passion that deep someday, than neko-nobody has for this new superfun game with lazer dot. cutie.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

If remember that I wrote about that I want to have own mecha...its months from that blog...but I still want one. Dreams never leave me.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

Clatter, crash, clack!
Racket, bang, thump!
Rattle, clang, crack, thud, whack, bam!
The clatter-machines
They greet you and say:
"We tap out a rhythm and sweep you away!"

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

my heart is beating for this music. Maybe Im over too sensitive and such, but these beats and rhythms...oh god...how something can be this touching.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

here some lyricks from my favorite song from selmasongs

SCATTERHEART
Black night is falling
The sun is gone to bed
The innocent are dreaming
As you should, sleepy-head
Sleepy-head, sleepy-head:
-
All the love above
I send into you
Comfort and protection
I'll watch over you
-
But don't ask me
What's gonna happen next
I know the future
I'd love to lead you the way
Just to make it easier on you
-
You are gonna have to find out for yourself

My

Dearest

Scatterheart

There is comfort
Right in the eye
Of the hurricane
Just to make it easier on you
-
You are gonna have to find out for yourself
-
All the hurt in the world
You know
There's nothing I'd love to do more
Than spare you from that burden
It's gonna be hard
-
If I only could
Shelter you
From that pain
Just to make it easier on you
-
You are gonna have to find out for yourself

This song some how burn inside me. When I play cvalda Im bursting adreline. when I play this I get moody. when I play new world I grash into pieces like a window someone hit with the rock. I love this record. I love love love it. I love this scatterhearts very end seconds, deep deep cello voices...they burn my heart. Im full of fire.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

Nobody is grazy. He could run forever around this house trying to catch one little dot I make with my lazer pointer...heheh...evil...

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

Nobody use me as scrathing his nails on me. My neck is hurting. he jumped there and started to play with my hair, and when I tried to get him away he burried his nails on my neck "Im going to stay here, will you excuse me."

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

aah. phone is on silence and im listening janis. feeling is nicey. I found my phone moment ago and gosh, I lost it for few minutes and I got like 4-6 calls! I have a hate and love relationship with phones. I've started my old hobbie again...writing tanka and haiku poems. Theyre all crazy and bunch of dust but...hey dont just care. Do everything need a point to be a poem...i love my cat. he's my only man. Im meeting Petrus tomorrow! He called me last night which was suprise and we decided to meet in the middle of marketplace in tuesday at15.30! I've never met anyone in the middle of any marketplace! 8)

Theyre having #tolkien meet in next weekend in oulu. I cant join, no money, no funny. Well I've been part of last ones so I quess that this will not be great lost. Hopefully. I miss everyone in #tolkien. I love that channel. Now Im listening Alanis Morisette mtv unplugged cd. It has few very very nice songs. I like her stuff, not much of those hit stuff but this record has few master piece called 'no pressure over cappuchino' and 'king of pain'.

tiistaina, lokakuuta 10, 2000

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

I got major feeling today when I watched my daily morning cartoon which is powerpuff girls...I havent been able to see ANIME in ages!!! *aargh* Im going to loose it totally soonish...aah...im dreaming about some episodes or whole Roruoni Kenshin series marathon, Sailormoon (shojo kick ass, not mather what!). I would love to laught my ass of and watch Ranma½ or magic knight rayhearts...And then one thing I would really, I mean really to see...End of Evangelion and Death and rebirth. I've seen whole Neon Genesis Evangelion series, but those few movies they've made, I havent seen. I suppose that Death and rebirth is quite new thing in markets. My sisters school had japanese exchange student from last fall to spring and she was fan to NGE. She said that it was still in theathers when she left to finland and wasnt able to see it. But her friends told that it was cool. I heard that in last winter/spring they started to sell it on vcr (cannot be sure, I have short memory about these things) so if I want to see it, I must call to my otaku-friends or get visa-card and get own copy 8) Anyway. Plaah. I miss Misato, my role model! ;)) Ah...I have to put that soundtrack on right now. I wanna I wanna I wanna (not zica zic aah...) I wanna see Anime right now. *start to cry like a SailorChibiMoon* Buhuu. OK, I start to act over hyper again. You know...Im totally calm, I write camly, I have calm face, BUT inside me there Lotta jumping around and wanting a see anime. hee...I have some anime here plastic little and such...but hey...really, do I really wanna see something like that right now? NO! ;))

Neko-Nobody made his first bad poo today, right next to my computer table. He's been here week and today he pooed in SAME place TWICE! Then I teach him a lesson and now he's so much friend with my mother and dont want to play with me anymore. Well...I dont mind. I remember that I acted same way when I was a child.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

Hee! Looks like I might find some online pictures, story and feelings about last weekends Influenza-game soonish! :))

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

Ah. 3 cups of hot coffee, some daily chat with my mother, read few magazines...(free ones which I picked from city) and relaxing. I've done nothing since I came home today, but that's fine! Just chilling out. Senni went to Tuomas again. She almost live there. Whole weekend she spend at Tuomas, and now she just came home to pick stuff and went back. I dont see her that much anymore. Most perfect thing im happy SO happy about is that theyre been together OVER an year and still going strong. better and better all the time. Im happy for my sister. She deserve it more than no one.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

Yippee when I came back home from city, in that time I got a bunch of emails from influensa larp-list...some nice exciting debrief! :)) Silly to know that I wasnt the only one who started to miss that world, other ppl and theyre own character after game. I miss Tuuli. I was SO into her. She was SO part of me. no...I was she. Yes. It was hard, Tuuli had so much pain inside her cause of guilty she carry with her all the time. She was part of her new family, she cared about them and they somehow cared about her too. In start one man from community made suicide. Just like that. Everyone freeked out. Tuuli was shocked? Whatta hell is going on?! She cried inside her when she saw how ppl she cared about started to get hysterical around her. She was so deeply sad and heartbroken about one lost she and community got weeks ago. That sadness was something she didnt want to see again. She was a woman, so no one let her be part of anything and put her in another room when they move the dead body and such. 8) LOL. Tuuli was angry, "one dead body, I've seen so many in my live, theyre all the same"... Since all those troubles came along to Ertonniemi, those strangers, she sensed that this place wasnt save paradise anymore, so she started worry and wanted so badly to be part of defence group. She talked about it and after it calmed down, but still she had a lot of suspicions about all those strangers. (If you dont know anything about this game, you have no idea about this what I write right now, but I dont spoil!) ARGH! I loved that game! I had SO much fun! Tuuli was rock-hard, somehow melancolic macho who's life was nightmare until she found her way to Ertonniemi...begining was hard even in there, but slowly...she put her roots to that place, to ppl who lived there and started to live good life and tried to fade her past-life away from her... Tuuli had something I am in real life. It was so silly! it was hysterical! When I first time ended that paper where Tuuli's history were I was amused/shocked 8) I afraid that did I have powers to let myself to be Tuuli 100%. Funny, that I did it. She had something in her history that I've lived too, so...somehow it was so heartaching and still even so much fun. I cannot believe how long I've been NOT Larping. Gee, I must be grazy. I have to start to do comeback now! 8) I've forgot how much fun it can be.

Aah...Look what I found! Lars von Trier had internet chat when he was in russia promoting DitD! Kokkaii! ^_^

It's perfect autumn weather! It's very very stormy windy, light clear blue sky, sparkling air...When I walked to wait a bus today I almost didnt get to my local bus-stop cause it was so windy! It was hard to walk against it cause it was so powerfull. Lucky me, that I was early outside to catch a bus. I almost always missed it. ^_^ Sun is setting slowly now. Clock is something like 6pm and it's getting blue. Trees are all orange, yellow and red. I was slowly walking home and all those leafs danced around me. That sound when there was bunch of leafs on the ground and I had to walk thought. It was magical. Autumn is magical.

I have a cold cold feeling... Yes. I dont know what it is. I've been carrying it with me since I went to Kajaani. It is a piece in throat. I dont feel like crying at all. No. Not like that. Just...Im so frustrated about something I dont know. Sounds loony. When I dont have anything to do I feel like that I can breath, cause that thing in my throat is stucked in there and dont let me breat that much. I feel grumpy. That game helped that feeling. I was so happy to meet new faces etc. Maybe Im slowly getting that gracyness about these walls I've been starring past 2 years. 8) Maybe it is cause my life is sorted in two another locations, Turku - Kajaani. I miss Kajaani ppl when Im here, I miss Turku ppl when Im there. I have two lifes somehow. I've been floating apart from my friendships, I havent met my friends who live in Helsinki in ages. Last time I visited Helsinki...in summer? In early summer. I've floated away from ppl I love. Still, I know summer do it always. In fall 70% of my friends close theyre connections and start to suffer fall-depression and bunch of same kind of stuff. (I know that feeling, but Im fighting against it in this year so hard, Im not going to fall anymore. No more. Not again. Never. 3 years is enought, and when I say enough I really do mean it) I have so much action in my life: New music projects (thank you very much they give me power to live. I've been searching place to get music out from me so long and NOW I have doors open), job, works...Im busy but so empty. If I dont have anything to do, I make myself do something. Still I dont have strainght to pick a phone and dial to my friends "hey, can we meet right now". After I went to brake from Irc I've been quite lonely. I cant go there even now, cause we dont have money to pay any HUGE phonebills I make. *grin* Duh!! Still Im somehow sadly happy, mm...violently happy.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

Hee, Dancer in the Dark e-cards! Dance away and notify your friends...

Im bloody bored than Lars von Trier's website armybase aint living...but let's wait for some action. Have to get ready and run to bus...

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

Im almost sleeping right here right now. Even my cat sleeps on my arms, dog on the floor...watching them even make me sleepyhead. Bless.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

There is no sexier samurai in da world than in samurai fiction's Kazumatsuri. Really, believe me.

maanantaina, lokakuuta 09, 2000

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

I hate my phone. I hate it. I cant get it open. I found it (it was under sofa pillow since I watched friends) and it was closed itself and yes now I cant get it open. I really really need new phone. Maybe then I have to start to email everyone. But its not that fast way to get touch with ppl cause no one never answer to my emails. ;)

Every friend?
"Every friend...SMS every friend...yes...I know that...Everyone..." You who wrote that in my guestbook, dont get mad, I just had time to wrote one message til I forgot where I put my phone. Duh, how ppl can be so cruel. Now I start to feel bad about myself. When I wain, It doesnt really mean that I sms in every 50 numbers which I has in my phone. Im sorry if Im bad person. yes, I am bad friend, I dont get touch all the time, send hundred "how are u" mails everyday, hug all the time, speak about my feelings to you as much I should, never call, and when I have my phone open (which is usually very unusual cause my father dont have money to pay bills and then they close my phone connection almost every month) I use my saldo too fast and dont send sms that often. Im so sorry. You all have some much rights to hate me or even be a bit angry to me. Gomenasai.

Maybe it is cause Im (shy? even with my friends...no with PHONES...Im shy when it comes to phones) so much hermit kind of human being.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

Im listening Björk's Selmasongs Music from motion picture "dancer in the dark" directed by my greatest all time idol Lars von Trier. I remember when I was watching this movie in opening...in first musical scene which is happy I started to cry hysterically! It was happy scene and still I cried like a baby. It was SO touching, so happy so pure! In start I cried, in end I cried. This music is more than a life. It has a life itself in it. It is so touching and beautiful. I cry always when I listen this, I feel like I float around. Im going high. Movie is great. I love how Trier make everything. I remember when I was child I promised to myself that when I make movies I make them with handheld cameras, I make them look real life what ever it takes. I promised for myself to make ppl feel pain, sorrow and happiness. When I saw first time saw Trier's movie/tv series Kingdom I was like "oh my god, this is like my dreams!" It was totally something I've always decided to do (but Trier make it fist, blaah ;))...Images from it was from my nightmares, humor was like mine, ironic! ^_^ Perfect! Now Im listening song called Cvalda. It is that happy musical scene. Even now I have tear in my eye. This song BURST happiness! I want to start run around city and laugh like grazy person, jump around and hug everyone, dance dance and spin around! Aahhh...World cant be bad place if there's music like this.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

ok. someone once said that "never say never again". Hopefully someday.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

I dont want to fall in love. To another person, to a man. never never never never never never never. In romantic way. Im too tired to have a cynic heart. Im too tired to fall apart. Im happy as I am. or am I? Dont know. But I feel less confused. Its easier just to have burst of feelings, love as a friend, deeply. It will never hurt you so strongly. It will never hit a knife in every spot that sense pain. I know that I can love. Again. I havent been able to love in ages. Now I know that I can, but do I want to? That's another thing.

I love much. Sami once said that "I think that theres more love in you than in many other recular human being" and as I know think that...I found it very close to truth. I've controlled my feelings, my moves, my words, my toughts so many years and now I've braked throught from it, from my sick 100% 24h self-control. It was totally too much. Now I feel that I scare world. Im more shy than usually when Im in room with nice persons and humans I found that theyre something. I dont blush. Now I do. OK, maybe its sign about something that I really live now. 8) mm strange. Under my self-control I hold love inside me, I was cold cold cold. I still am somehow, its me. I use to fall in love everyday with new things, colors, sounds, humans etc. I still do. But now it's more bursting than ever. My heart beats. Its not just feeling, I sense it all the way down. If seeing is living, I hold my breath.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

I write stupid haiku's all the time. No, I wont put any of them here. Why? THAT'S Why. Theyre too close to me. Im so moody today. Its gloomy sunday for me. Im happy-sad. Im over hyper active and still over too melancolic. Im both. I want to laugh and jump. I want to nestle in to my bed and hear my heartbeats and cry the river. I want to hit the wall and know that Im alive. Im not depressed or something, no no no...not at all. But gosh Im moody. I feel so strange that...I dont know what to do! 8) Hey someone...I hate so much when someone comes to me and hug me and said "you look like you need it"...I hate to ask someone to hug me. I just dont want to sound pathetic or something. I need warm and touch but I dont get any cause Im so cold and I dont show that I need some. Strange? mm...I want that someone comes to me and hug me just cause of hug and feeling of it. You know? Hug from a half-stranger can be like million micro-orgasm. Hug from a sister, mum or close friend can make you feeling little angry and after they say "you look like you needed one" you just want to bunch them as hard as you can. Yeah, I know...I sound bloody silly, but that's what I am. If you are stranger, friend, half-stranger, hug me as hard as you can, give me you comfort. If you feel like it.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

I should clean my room. Why I dont bother? Maybe Im lazy? No...I just dont feel like it. mm...Its like that...right now, I really feel like more writing lyricks, drinking herbtea, feeling lonely and...try to get every friend of mine to answer in my dazed sms! Yeah! :))

I hate to take Juhan Af Grann poster away from my door. It drives me nuts. Alwways when Im sitting here front of my computer he stares at me, very very deeply. Im glad posters are never alive.

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

Im like totally bored. In next weekend my mom and Pentti (her long loved man) will married, in saturday and sunday Im working in Kirjamessut. In Ursa's little bookshop and planetary. Im also get free in and Im able to surf around and enjoy whole event same time. happy happy joy joy. Well...its work too. I've been there every year in 4 past year. How so? Well...I live near that event place and...well...its fun. Kinda. 8)

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

Ok. Game was perfect. Tuuli was hard person and it was somehow hard to carry in mental way but I find it still quite easy. It was perfect. I had so much fun. I've been working and worrying my life and situations like that so much that I forgot how fun can Larping be! Now I promised for myself that Im going to play more. I havent been in game over in year! Silly me. Anyway, Im shy person when I find myself from place that is full of strangers. But...after game I was very relaxed and I had so much fun! Did I found new friends? Duh, no, but I get new faces in my "human"-list.

God, I sound very pathetic now. I've been living in Turku over 4 years! And well...In school I didnt get much friends. Just some hang-around pals. But when I find myself from Turun Ursa group I found my soulmates - ppl who adore books, scifi, stars, who think and are intellectuals, grazy in same why than I am etc. Theyre perfect, theyre my family. Theyre something. Still...I search. No...I dont search, its wrong word, but right now I dont find real one. If I could have more power to get myself to go and meet new faces, I would love to join in Turku's anime and scifi groups. But...I am what I am. Im very strong person but I afraid humans cause of MANY reasons I have.

Tuuli is gone. Someway I liked her. If Tuuli some day could past me by in city I would think that what a cold person. But cause I know everything she had in her brains I started to love her. Cause...well...she had same kind of life (not all but a lot) than I. When I read Tuuli Honkamäki-character paper, I was like "MY GOD, how they can give her for me!" It felt so same than me. It was grazy. I blushed totally when I got it. Ehehhe. mm...yep. Coffee.

I love Nobody. My deary cat. My one and only thing that can get close to heart without afraid that he broke it someday. I put pictures about him someday here when I get myself close to scanner.

I want to see some anime, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!

Im going to re-open my tamagotchi tomorrow. My little pink tama. Wheeh.

Im over-hyper-active. I slept LONG dreams. I havent been able to do that in months.

I fall in love every fucking day. And I hate it. My heart is too fast. My mind is too fast. Last night I falled in love with many player I met in Influenssa. :P But i love that feeling, cause I know that I dont show it, it just one minute burst and that's it. I wont let it float around. I have motto: "I hate humans - put I love you".
One thing is that I dont fall in love with person or things that are good looking or something like that. I fall in love with theyre thoughts, substance etc. Last night I falled in love with my new curtains, when I came to home, my room was all dark, but some light ray throught my red/funky-pink curtains and make my room hasty. Beautiful. So beautiful.

Tuuli's cyberthing she had in her left forehead was great. It was so great. It looked like real and after game my sister told me that I should wear it in real life cause it looks good on me. *tihih* But hey, how cares! What about that, what other ppl things?

Im hungry. I need coffee. I need dreams. I need hug. I need laugh. I havent laught in ages. Last night after game I laught all the time. I had so much fun. I loved whole game and ppl in it. I love my computer right now. I HATE HUMANS! But I LOVE you.

I love personal web-journals and weblogs...I love to read what other ppl thinks. You also? Try Blogstart!

sunnuntaina, lokakuuta 08, 2000

perjantaina, lokakuuta 06, 2000

Im tiiired! I got my mobile phone open last night! I cannot believe it! I can send sms now! Whopee. Gosh...I have cello lessons today at 14.30, It ends at 15.15 Im home at something like 16.00-16-15 then I have a bit time to do something and catch a bus back to city. cause at 18.05 I need to be ready in Sirkkalankatu 10...I dont really know were it is, I know somehow, I found that place from the map, but I dont know know were it is. I have that Larp today. And tomorrow. Im very excited about it. Im tired too. I hate that i have to wear contact lenses there and such. My character has so much pain and bad memories inside her that I dont know how I can play it. Well, I know that I can. But I always feels totally same than character "I am". And I scare all that pain Tuuli carry with her. She's got so hard life, she helf more cynick than I really am. She can love. She's macho, hard, straight personality, cynick and have so much pain and things she have to carry with her. She's very very good fighter. Some years ago, when Tuuli was in one gang (something to do with drugs, well...it was her family and way to get food, cause her mum was dead (?), brother was in mental hospital cause he killed daddy) and some other gang attackted...Tuuli lost a piece of here left temple and after that she's been wearing plastic cyberpart in there, replasing something she lost. She's lucky that it was just 2mm close that she didnt got any brain damage. After it she's been having horrible headaches once in a week. She just groal on the floor and hope that she could die, she cant walk, she just feel horrible pain and humming in her ears and her head just explode. But she things that well..."It is just pain, now I even stand it easier"...God Im excited and neurvois.

Im listening Sorb-I-Tol's song called "One raga for inspector"...It's version 2.0 from one indian sound of kind song we've been working for awhile and now It really sounds good. I can even listen myself from headphones more easier...I dont get those "my god how horrible I sound like" and I push pause-button before the song even really started. This song is now far more psychedelic than it use to be, and it even use to be quite psychedelic...it sound very retro and reminds me about 70's agent films. Version 1.0 was quite different than this is and when I listen this first time few minutes ago I was very suprised..."whatta heck?!"...but now I've listen it over and over again...and I must say I even like it myself...strange.

I wrote long email to Malla. I've been sitting all morning front of computer and talking to phone with my step-mother. Doing both same time. Im tired. Gotta make more morning coffee now. Laters.

perjantaina, lokakuuta 06, 2000

torstaina, lokakuuta 05, 2000

I hate that every human has a reason to wake up.

torstaina, lokakuuta 05, 2000

Im lsitening radio mafia's wednesdays live concert programme...today they have radioheads concert! Right now theyre playing paranoid android...whopee. I really love this band, I just havent been able to listen it in ages. Nobody is very active now...he jumped in my garbage can while ago and didnt find his way out...now he's running around like a mad man. Now he's playing with my stereo...now he's under my bed and now in my garbage can again...gosh dunno why he always want to jump there...

Tomorrow I have hairdresser...nicey. I have thousand thinks in my mind right now. I would love to write 'em all down here but Im death tired. I've been thinking so much today that my mind is tired and body too. After I came back from Kajaani my days have been running around 24h. I know that after this week things get more easier. Now Nobody is playing with my curtains...I have to go and stop it. He's super active now...maybe reason for that is that he slept over 4h...

god how I love his yellow eyes

bless. im off to rest.

torstaina, lokakuuta 05, 2000

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 04, 2000

I can hardly wait friday/saturday when Im going in one indeed very interesting Larp called Influenza. My character is very intersting too and Im excited to find out what's going to happend. My charaters past life someone shot her in her head. So Tuuli (my characters name) has a very strange looking cyberthing in that part and I have to make one and wear it. It's very strange. I made it from cernit and its so cool. mm gotta go I'll tell more laters...

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 04, 2000

Im reading erasing.org at the time. Im planning to make some coffee. I woke up while ago. I had nice dream, but some part of me afraid to woke up. I have something inside I dont know what it is. Its feeling. Its creeping out from me. I didnt slept very very well. I woke up many times when phone ranged or something like that. If I could I would pack some of my favorite things and I would leave this town, country for awhile. Im a hermit, I always will be. I dont know why it is so easy for me to be apart from my friends!? I dont want to have roots. I dont want to be totally part of something that I cant get rid of when I want to. And now I have a problem...I have my life in Kajaani and here in Turku. I hate that when I go to Kajaani, I have to arrange my life here for a week or so, depends how long Im going to stay. Its like that when I leave there my life here goes to pause. Strange thing is that in Kajaani I just always hop in to circle. But then again when I come here I have to broke every arrange I made before I left and start again. I dont know what Im saying and I cant find words but...Laters.

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 04, 2000

YAY! Tomoyasu Hptei's pages long waited english version is online! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 04, 2000

Im listening Janis Joplin and keeping Nobody in my arms. God, our dog is grazy...try to lick and almost bite this kitten all the time, I dont know what it is! I try to let Nobody look other rooms in this house today, but he didnt come out from this room, cause our grazy hornylike doggie keep houwling. Sometimes Maisu just stares at him and look what he does. And sometimes he howl 'til I let her in my room wheres Nobody is with me all the time (Im going to let him out in other rooms when they both become to be pals... Now Maisu pushed Nobody away from my arms and theyre keeping voices and staring at each others on the floor. Im not going to do anything. If Maisu try to act stronger and push her nose to Nobody and IF Nobody laps back, Its theyre problem. They have to solve theyre problems alone. They have to do it and get along. Its part of the system. Now they just stare each others...Maisu sits under my chair and Nobody is 30cm away from her under my pillow (on my bed)...

Im exhausted. This day was awful...I runned around the city with cello, which is quite heavy to carry if you have hurry. Good news is that I have haircut in thursday. My hair is so long that I cant see anything. well...I noticed something in my cello lessons. I messed with my playing all the time cause I didnt saw notes! I have to get new glasses soon, Im half blind. Its horrible! But I dont have money to get new lensses 'till november or next year. I really have little problem here now. But...I'll talk about that with mother.

Im happy to be back. Im unhappy that Im back. I want to go to Kajaani. I want to stay here.

I dont know. Im shamed that I have so much hurry with my berry-business in Kajaani that I didnt met Malla more often than one time. I love her so much. She have been part of my mind since I was very little kid. We've found (thanks to her) our strong strange friendship again after 5years between us.

Come on...come on...take another little piece of my heart now baby!
I love Janis!!!!!!!

I hope that Maisu realise soon that Nobody is really alive and not a toy. And not her baby.

I took a lot of photos about RH Blues Band when I was last time in Kajaani. And now theyre a big success there! Everyone wants copy in theyre walls and such. We had Raikku's little Blues jams session last saturday (theyre called Raneri's days blues, and Raikku keeps 'em every year) and they made posters for advertising, and they put photo I took in it! And theyre going to make RH Blues t-shirts and use my photos in it too! And they named me as "bands official (groupie and) photographer" ^_^ Im happy about it. They let me took photos when ever I wanted and didnt make any stupid faces and such they usually do. After Raikku (bands boss) asked can I make home pages for the band they took everything I do very seriously. I feel very strange about it, cause its silly to work seriously around them, I've always just be part of the family members and now everything I ask for the pages they'll do it. It feels silly that someone really takes my business and works kinda seriously even! :) Oh well...Saturdays gig was perfect! Mood was floating thought the roof and everyone had so much fun! Tellu and some others try to force me to sing...And well...that was a little plan, but GOSH I was SO shy! Sari, Bands singer who's pregnant/having a blues-baby with Raikku in 3 months started to ease strange pain and reductions 1hour earlier they really meant to stop playing. She took her stuffs and drived home. She's going carefully with her pregnancy cause she lost one years ago. Anyway, we tried to say her that dont put so much power in your singing (when she sings, she sings with everything she got) but she got so much excited...I heard from Raikku in sunday that when Raikku and rest of the band clean the stage and went home, Raikku went home and Sari was there and put him drive into hospital at 1am. Lucky, it was nothing TOO serious, of course it is a bit scary cause we all love Sari so dearly and hope everything best for her and Raikkus baby love child. Sari spend night in drip and Raikku picked her home in Sunday morning. Well...after that gig, Raikku came to me and asked were there a song I would have wanted to sing? I said that not anymore... My Dad and Raikku had some plans to let me sing, but...I said that hey, theyre will be lot of gigs! RH Blues Bands last concert before band will have 3-5moths brake (cause of Sari's pregnancy) is in end of this month. Of course Im going to go and ease it. I just love this band. I've seen so many blues bands in my whole little life, but even that fact that my Dad plays In RH Blues dont make me straight to love it. I use to dislike theyre music, but it was long ago, theyre grown to be something bigger than anything. That group have so much fun together that everyone that listen and see them usually sense and got a glimpse of it. And now they will be in Howling wulfs...In Lahti Blues etc. etc. Jungle drums keep rumming word about this band around. Its amazing! And Im so fucking proud of them! I love everyone in that band so much, its full of warm hearted open minded music lovers who just want to have fun way they love! It's really something special.

I have new curtains. I found couple of pink/red 60's curtains in one secondhand shop and I falled in love! Something that was really me! Best part in whole thing was that they were almost free of charge! Couple of almost new curtains 10FIM!! I almost dropped my eyes when I saw price! I didnt hesitate a sec or two, I just took 'em and paid. Today I put 'em on. I have now winter curtains and summer curtains. These pink/red ones are winter ones, cause light ray throught from them. Summer ones are beige with black/white/brown retro-funky 60's dots around, theyre quite thick so theyre hide summer sun and light. Perfecto!

Ah, happy happy joy joy! X-files started again today! 7th season! ^_^ PERRRRRFECTO!

Im going to sleep soonish. Im exhausted. Last night Nobody sleep against me all night. It was so cute. I love how he is so warm and soft. Laters.

keskiviikkona, lokakuuta 04, 2000

maanantaina, lokakuuta 02, 2000

im back my cat is here im tired im going to go to sleep before i die our dog is crazy she will dig her way in this room laterrzzz

maanantaina, lokakuuta 02, 2000

ATOM    /