sunnuntaina, toukokuuta 29, 2005

Longing at sunday afternoon

I miss everyone. I've send bunches of messages during this day "Can you call me, I need a friend." No answer no phonecalls. Im such a silly girl but please forgive me for being ass since winter, Im ok now. I hate myself deeply and I feel so alone. Around here ppl keep pointing how important is to keep contact with relatives and friends outside cause otherwise you go insane ... that's why Im always whining cause I miss ppl, I want to hear how they are, about their life about everything we use to share ... Now I feel like empty piece of skin. I miss touch of a human and laugh of my friends. Mikko, call me! I want to chat. Shitchat. Something not to do with army.

I've been having a lot of time to think and many things have got me during two days. Like light from the sky. These two weeks have been great deal of being better person and getting over many things and get myself together, my head clear. I feel like shit about lotsa things. And Im happy that I cried it all out. I hate myself being SO goddamn hard to myself!! :P

I wrote a song today!

sunnuntaina, toukokuuta 29, 2005

perjantaina, toukokuuta 27, 2005

Whoo-o

Sunny day. Spend day at weather center in Halli and then we hit the road and came back in Tikkakoski to spend weekend here (only weather ppl) and then one week and home for weekend. Woo. At same time when we walked towards our base others walked past us on their way to weekend holiday and kept saying "Hi, corporal!"...I was like woot...So, its official, Im corporal now. Wow? Ha. Few silly weeks and Im almost officer.

perjantaina, toukokuuta 27, 2005

tiistaina, toukokuuta 24, 2005

Greeting from Halliwood

Yeah. Täällä ollaan. Eilen komennusviikko alkoi heti 24h vuorolla. Nyt nollat taulussa nukkunut aamusta muutaman tunnin ja käytiin juuri päivällisellä. Vois mennä takas unille asap komaniaan. Tikikselle ikävä, ei tänne totu. Tai varmasti tottuu mutta sen näkee sitten ;) Jengi on ihan jees, komania ihan tyhjä (4henk.) koska kaikki jossain mestoilla. Éilen oli aivan fantastinen sää, ei tarvinnut kun katsoa et kas kas pilveä ja transmit ja se oli siinä se metari. Toivottavasti pojille olisi tänään tiedossa kunnon ukkoset etc että saisivat sykkiä. Huomenna taas tiedossa 24h vuoro. Argh. Pe kohti tikistä ja gines vkl. Ma lsää marssi. Unettaa jo nyt.

tiistaina, toukokuuta 24, 2005

lauantaina, toukokuuta 21, 2005

Sunny afternoon

Oh my. Is there better way to spend a day than with a friend by the river at sun, having a picnic, books to read, music to write, time to spend...then later at afternoon some football and then to homehome watch eurovision song contest. Im so happy that I could burst in pieces.

lauantaina, toukokuuta 21, 2005

perjantaina, toukokuuta 20, 2005

New posing pics

Im le tired. Its sunny and warm outside. Im looking forward Star Wars III. Im going to see it at 19.00 - alone. We suppose to have school re-union tonight, Im not going. I dont feel like meeting anyone. We went to watch my sister's hopefully-new-apartment. Fab one. Hopefully she and Jussi moves in it soonish! Very nice.
I got 50e today and now Im broke again. One bill and then Im without money for next two weeks. Im sick of this. I cannot even work in my free weekends cause Im in army but Im deeply broke and there are bills that I cannot even pay myself! Then I loan money from my friends and I dont even have money to pay back. Small amounts, but still...I want extra to have few beers from time to time, I want few new summer shirt, trouses (All the clothing are no suitable anymore cause my body have changed a lot during army) and shoes but no...My mother is broke, My step father is having a sick-leave from work cause he had operation few days ago and he's not working so he's broke too. And Im sick of asking money from my broke family. I miss the freedom of living when I was working. I have 3e now for next two weeks and it bugs me off. Gladly I do ciggies anymore. ONE MONTH WITHOUT!! I am a hardcore! Im having time for myself and I cannot do anything - not to go out, see movies (now I got ticket to sw - extra free ticket), gigs, have a picnic or anything cause I cannot afford to it! IT SUCKS. Sigh. Oh well...Only free thing I know so far is hanging around and sleeping. I should sleep more.

perjantaina, toukokuuta 20, 2005

tiistaina, toukokuuta 17, 2005

Windy afternoon mumbling

What kind of days again its been. Sunday I sat in the train, felt sick and down. Got a phone call that Kari is dead. Felt like someone have pushed out all the air from my lungs. So, yesterday was mad. I was so down and once quys told a hilarious joke, I laughed like mad and out of nowhere it turned in to manical sob. I ran to my room and whined on the floor. Then few times I had to get myself together at toilet to be ok front of the others. This is envirioment where you cant really go thought all the sadness. Last night I spend time with my nightmares about all the ppl I've lost in this year. Marko was there talking to me without a head, Granpa was there, Kari ... It felt so real. Gladly this day was nice. First at morning I had meeting and then rushed to bus and our line took a trip to Tampere. We went to see Meterolocical center. We also went to eat to Parikkala. What a armybase was that! Food was like in restaurants and sky was full of hornets and so on (we have this international war rehersal around here called Adex) ... very nice. Then we came back at 4pm and went to eat. Now we are just lurking around. I have one meeting and after it I need to read to test that we have tomorrow. My motivation to be here now is 0%. I want to go home and sit down on my own, think. All the sorrow and shit which I have left undone and behind are hunting me. All the feelings that I should have felt long time ago about my granfather and other things that have been around in my life. "Oh, I will not cry today, I will cry and be sad tomorrow"...and tomorrow always is a year or more...Now it takes a whole lot of effort to be social and put my mind in studies or what so ever. Fuck, I want to go home. Anyway ... Otherwise Im fine and dandy. Need to rush to meeting, later then.

tiistaina, toukokuuta 17, 2005

perjantaina, toukokuuta 13, 2005

Väsynyttä päivää

Aamulenkin vedin tänään. Kierrettiin vähän ja sitten suoraan ensimmäisenä linjana järveen uimaan. Jäät tais lähteä viime viikolla. Jestas, että oli kylmää - mutta olo jälkeen päin mainio. Nyt raukea väsymys ja ei meinaa tulla havannoista mitiä. Takana ketuttaa eilinen venäjän voitto suomea vastaan. Kyllä eilen yöllä ketutti! Täyttä tuskaa...viikonloppu täällä taas. Ei näin.

perjantaina, toukokuuta 13, 2005

torstaina, toukokuuta 12, 2005

Wonderful sunny day. Im looking forward to Finland - Russian hockey game tonight!! Wooaaah!

torstaina, toukokuuta 12, 2005

keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 11, 2005

Sunny evening

Its been time since I wrote but its been hectic all the time. I wish I could have time and patience around here to write long long entries and tell everything what is going on, but it seems like I never get it done! And at weekends when Im home Im too lazy to sit down and write. Its like my head is full of stuff and I cannot put it down and I dont want to be "all army" shit when I tell about my life. Thought, nowadays it seems like only thing in my life is this life.

Im tired and having helluva flu. Im couching my lungs off all nights and I've blowed my brains out hundreds of times so far. Last 4 weeks have been great without any flu or what so ever. Time of my life. I have been extremely busy with arrangeing mother's day event and all things like that. Now I feel like I dont want to do anything more than just relax and do nothing, but Im leader of our group this week and I have TOO MUCH TO DO. And so little time. I had quite a stress last week and now only a bit. I feel lazy as hell and I have no inspiration to do anything what I should do. I think Im going to ask others to work those projects with me or without me. Im so fed up doing everything. :D

Im really looking forward summer. I want to relax all weekends which I have off, enjoy all time of being in army, meet friends when its possible around in Finland, work new songs ... Dunno. Seems like I have so much in my head and I need to work it out. I love this light! Its inspirating to have sunshine (thought, its been raining all day long today, now its sunny!) around ... Last evening was beautiful sky - all pink and red. I hate the fact that we cannot get out after 20.30. Its been such a time around here that usual evening "vacations" have been out of business. Today others get out 'til midnight but as I am leader, I cannot leave. Which bugs me off, cause I would love to meet Trevor before he leaves back to Canada(?)...He's the guy I met on my way to Britain to meet Eeva at airplane. He was such a funny guy.

Money stuff makes my days :P I hate that I dont have money at all. All my tiny amount of daily money I get (3e per day) in every two weeks (about 50e) fades to wind when I pay internet and phonebill. I would love to buy new shoes...SHOES! And summer clothing. And go out. Travel. Eat at restaurant. Take a boat to Stockholm at weekend when Eeva arrives to Turku at next month. Etc...I miss her so!! My head is getting in mess if I cannot meet her! Bohoo. :D
Anyway, Im feeling ok. Im happy with my life even thought its quite in mess. I can see that Im opening new page which is empty and I dont know how to write it. Im not a writer ... Im full of emotions and my head is like a rollercoaster going up and down. Moods are extremely happy or then extremely frusturated. My body screams for touch and I long for answers. I miss my cat Somebody and I hate that I have to move out from my lovely room. Im such a silly person, but I hate moving, even thought its just few metres, but it means that I have to pack and unpack and get use to something new. I've moved so hundreds time in my life that I've never stayed in one place for more than 1 year that it makes me depressed to do it. I promised to Johanna that she can move to my room cause Im never home. :P Damn. But I cannot say no - cause IM NEVER HOME! 8) So...Anyway, I know that my tiny amount of time in civil life goes to moving in new room - it bugs me off, but it can be fun too, Im sure Johanna helps me. We have been living together for year! :)) She's best roommate ever (Im not.) and im so use to her that use to be "I-will-always-live-alone" girlie like I was sometimes thinks that "hmm, we should get bigger apartment"...haha. Anywaysh...gotta run, I need to get to shower before 20.30...Laters folks. Puss och kram!

keskiviikkona, toukokuuta 11, 2005

sunnuntaina, toukokuuta 08, 2005

Liian monta tuntia ilman unta

Menin eilen nukkumaan kuuden jälkeen. Olin herännyt ennen kuutta aamulla. Nyt väsyttää kun pitäisi lähteä Mummon luo ja on hirveän kipeä olo - järkyttävä yskä ja nuha. Kotona haluaisi vain olla valveilla ja nauttia kotona olosta eikä muuta. Ei jaksa tavata ihmisiä (no tänään piti olla futista ja pelistudio mutta jätkät nakissa mutsiensa hoivissa) ja ei rahaa lähteä dokaamaan. Ei huvita kertakaikkiaan tavata ketään. Muuta kuin niitä ihan läheisempiä. Eilen katottiin Sennin ja Ekan kanssa Kabhi Kushi Kabhie Gham ja tehtiin ruokaa. Kesti tunteja saada itseni sinne. Istuin kotona hiljaisuudessa nollat taulussa ja keräilin itseäni.

On kiva tulla lomille. Jee. Mutta samaan aikaan ei pysty olemaan niinkuin pitäisi. Yritän olla selkärankainen ja itsepäinen - tunkea ajatuksiani korurasian kokoiseen tilaan ja piiloittaa jonnekkin aivojen takaosiin kummittelemasta ja häiritsemästä arkeani. Mikään ei oo niin piinaavan tuskaista kuin epätietoisuus.
Jahas, Pentti soitti. Meikä vielä aivan vaiheessa - Fuck! Ass!! - kohti mummolaa. Laters.

sunnuntaina, toukokuuta 08, 2005

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