keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 30, 2003

Sigh. Rainy. Sitting between chaos of my head and sounds of dropping water. Gotta go to sleep. I wanna wake up early, go to jogging if its not raining this much and too cold. I try to avoid all the ways to get myself sick. Lazy day. Long day. Horrible day. But cello lesson was nicey - got a loads of very freaky russian stuff to play. Argh! My notes are getting harder and harder all the time. Hopefully it means that Im getting better all the time. Well, it does I know it and I can tell it, but Oh how it makes me shiver, the idea of learning new things all the time! Im a little baby with cello - learning to walk.
Last driving lessons, theory one, I had. WHOAH! Goddamn, it was boring ... Teacher was unfortunately the young and oh-Im-so-funny-and-I-love-myself-cause-of-that jerk who is boring, uses "Jumala" word in and between every goddamn sentence and prase. For example "Kun menette katsastukseen niin muistakaa joka jumalan kerta...", "Joka jumalan ihminen luulee..." and so on. All the time. First 20mins with him is ok, but after it (and now 3x45min) its true "torture". Other guys in that firm are great teachers with great way of doing things ... but this one. Uh. I hardly ever dislike anyone or anyones style. This guy just creeped me out every time I had his lesson. "Im so young and I know that all the chicks in this class are staring at me...I mean, I need to make a good picture of myself" -Style. Uh. Boring. I could write a book about "How to focuss your mind the way you dont fall asleep at the lesson" ...
OK! Hurray - mayday tomorrow. Annoying. I have no idea what to do, and if weather is like this Im sure Epa and co will not go to picnik! So, then plans with Senni, Pirkko and others...Total radio silence about that too. I think I just relax, Im too tired (and broke) to party, weather is afwul and I want to enjoy my mayday at thursday - At homehome meet my aunt and peek marketplace "wappumarkkinat"... Ohhoijaa.
Funny how ppl stress about this kind of days. "OMG its new year, what should I do? Where to go? What to wear?!!" Or so on. I havent been partying mayday in few years. Last year I was ready to one trip and slept whole day and year before that I sat the whole mayday at truck on my way to Kajaani (where I spend whole summer working)!

Maybe we just mash the guitar at the middle of market place tomorrow and have sangria at El Patio. Yesh.

keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 30, 2003

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 29, 2003

Im reading conversation "Osaatko arvostaa itseäsi?" at Aukea.net ...Very hilarious stuff in a way. "Taiteilija voi pitää itseään taiteilijana siinä vaiheessa, kun hänen tulonsa lääninhallitukseen tahi muuhun kulttuurista päättävään tilaan aiheuttaa paskantärkeissä hallinnollisissa (lue tärkeissä kermaihmisissä) ihmisissä kumarrusrefleksin, joka aikaansaa suoran näköyhteyden suun ja persereiän välille. Heheh. Quite funny, cause I know ppl like that. Anyway!! TIRED I AM! Grey day again. Long one. But semper fi, live or die.

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 29, 2003

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 28, 2003

Gosh what a day. Grey and rainy all day long. Quick lunch with Mum, didnt have time to see Epa. Then I had my second driving lesson...Oh how much I love to be in the car and drive around. Its not really easy, not at all, but Im doing quite well. Next time we go straight to drive around, really ... so next monday before 12am, if you see white Ajaxx driving school car at city central: RUN. ;)
After hour of driving I went to Perno to drink coffee, hug Maisu-dog and eat something. Then back to city and met Mikko&Anni. Nicey. Then 3 x 45min of driving theory. Bloody hell, this weather makes me all tired and I had to fight so hard not to fall asleep. Then straight to home. I came in 15mins ago. Hurray!
City is full of ice hockey fans. Lithuenia and swedish I've seen mostly. I dont understand their need to be seen! "Heija Swerige hurray whooaaah!!" at the middle of the day. I understand that well if its night and game is over and so on...Blimey Im tiiiiireeeed! Head ache. Gotta cook something and then I just will relax. Dont want to do anything tonight. I hate my phone - I dont have saldo and I would love to send sms to ppl. I feel like Im all alone. No one send messages to me cause I cant answer (or then I dont send anything to them) ...
Feeling rather ok otherwise. Long weekend I had, Im still a bit tired after it. Lack of sleep. Last night I slept very deeply. It was hard work to get myself fully awake. I think that I didnt succeed with that in this whole bloody rainy day. Anyway - tomorrow cello lesson and after it 3 x 45min of driving theory again! My last ones! My last theory lessons ever hahaha...well not exactly. I had that gig with Saaga last week and I had to skip one lesson which I will "re-go" next week, but this theory shit is almost over and all I have to do is drive and whooah just a snap and I'll have my "the piece of paper which is almost a drivinglicense" for the summer! Oh oh. Sweet! Next week I'll have two or three driving lessons. Also job interview (Naantalin Kaivohuone) at next weeks wednesday after driving lessons... Huuh. Ok - Food.

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 28, 2003

Booh! Cold and rainy. All I want to do is get back to bed.

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 28, 2003

Rather long day I had. Nice party last night. Today I had lazy musical rehersals. Singing, coffee and nice joking with girls. We had such an great group. After it I went to Epa's. We made some delicious warm breads and watched "Back to future III". Some special time with great friend. I dont know when it was last time we really had REAL good time together. On our way from rehersals it started to snow! Goddamn, Finnish spring is on helluva experience, I can tell you! Last week it was like summer, light skirt and sun sun sun and now - snowing. Stormy wind. Quess who walked home? Well not 12km but from Varissuo, cause at sundays I cannot get home with bus...so 3km against that wind. Brr.
its nice to be home when its clean and comfy. Some tea, relaxing and then some sleep. I have a long day ahead - first meal with mum before 11am. If I have time I'll go meet Epa to her workplace for cup of coffee or something. At 12 I have my second driving lesson. then I do something 'til five when I have my driving lessons (theory) and...Im home at 7 or 8pm. Yesh...Oh well. tea.

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 28, 2003

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 27, 2003

Istun siskoni (tai itseasiassa varmaankin enemminkin tai täysin Tuomaksen tietokoneella) talo tai pieni Yo-kylän opiskelijaasunto täynnä jengiä ja olo on vähän out. Ok, tunnen suurimman osan koska onhan systa ja thomas olleet iät ja ajat yhdessä, mutta olen aina se "Sennin sisko". Korteella bileet. En omista autoa, en tiedä missä ne ovat. Puff. No anyway, ulkona kaunista ja huomenna harkat. Joita odotan. Hienoa on. Joo. Ohhoijaa. Olin tänään kovin ahkera, tein upeaa kiinalaista ruokaa, tiskasin heti siitä perään ja sen jälkeen suoraan pari tuntia kuntoilin, kävin suihkussa ja laitoin itseni ja läksin kohti Senni&Tuomas landiaa. Katsoimme lätkää (HURAA suomi) ja nyt jengi on ihan kaasussa. Söin ihanaa salaattia. Mm. Tuomas on mahtava kokki. No jo. taidan olla täällä yötä. Oispa auto. Ma ajotunti. Oispa oikeasti jo kortti, ja auto. Olisin jo kotona.

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 27, 2003

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 26, 2003

Oe. "Syvä iskumme on viha voittamaton"...what a morning. Jääkärin marssi and malice mizer!

Does anyone have free LJ code?

Tove Jansson at Väinö Aaltosen museum. Then to meet Senni and Tuomas to his bday. Then possibly to Korte's. Depends, its hard to get there and I have no idea how to get there (which bus etc...) and I dont have saldo and so on...Damn.

Four beverages you drink frequently
1. water
2. coffee
3. pepsi
4. beer

Five TV shows you liked when you were a little kid
1. Dempsey & Makepeace
2. Mission Impossible
3. Momins (well I still love 'em)
4. X-files (well I wasnt that much kid anymore)
5. Bill Cosby show

Four places to go in your area
1. Apteekki
2. Koulu
3. River side
4. Harbour

Four things to do when you're bored
1. Do something with computer
2. Play cello
3. Read
4. Run

Four things that never fail to cheer you up
1. Music
2. Studio Julmahuvi
3. Friends
4. Hugs

Four things you can't live without
1. Music
2. Loved ones
3. Dreams
4. Food

About ten years ago
1. My parents divorsed
2. Our apartment burn down few hours before housewarming party.
3. I had loads of adventures

About two years ago
1. I started to play cello again.
2. Lived at home
3. I went into my first musical

About one year ago
1. I moved back to Turku and to own apartment at Littoinen.
2. Tried to get into music/art schools, failed.
3. I found the blues again

Today
1. Tiredness
2. Tove Jansson
3. Social

Seven things you love
1. Music
2. Sea breeze
3. Reading
4. Good food/drink
5. Movies
6. Sky
7. My cello

Seven things you dislike
1. System
2. Depression
3. Jealousy
4. Hernekeitto
5. Longing
6. Frusturation
7. Thinking too much
Seven things on your desk
1. Purple Mickey Mouse Coffee mug
2. My pink Mobile Phone
3. Picture of Nobody
4. Pile of bills
5. Lava lamp
6. Crommit plastic doll
7. pen

Seven facts about you
1. Im like a spring storm
2. I love to sing
3. Im manic-depressive in a way.
4. I cannot keep myself in one place when I hear music.
5. I love to make people laugh, even thought I hate it too.
6. I enjoy sitting at the pub alone, watching people
7. I dont know where to place my roots

Nine things you like about the opposite sex
1. substance
2. substance
3. good self-esteem
4. stylish
5. down on earth - type
6. warm hearted
7. knows how to keep me happy ;)
8. substance
9. independent

Four things you would eat on the last day of your life
1. Chinese chicken
2. Bossa's lamb thingie
3. Sushi
4. Salmiac

Six celebrities you would have sex with
1. Hahha Lars von Trier
2. Evan McGregor
3. Tomoyasu Hotei
4. Angelina Jolie perhaps.
5. dunno
6. ?

Four vacations you have taken
1. Every summer to north
2.
3.
4.

Four things you'd like to learn
1. Tulen nielemisen etc jalon taidon!
2. Sing flamenco!
3. Tap dance
4. Use my money wisely

BAAH!

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 26, 2003

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 25, 2003

Heh. Gosh, its obvious that I've been a cleaner once...It took 3½h from me to get floors clean. I mean I usually take vacuum cleaner and swoosh, but then that something hits me and I almost wash floors with toothbrush...hahah. But OH OH OH how clean and nice! OH! :))

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 25, 2003

Hupaisaa. Kun jäät sulavat paljastuu jäiden alta kasa kuolleita kaloja ja siitä tullut "verrattuna edellisiin vuosiin" hyvin vakava ympäristö ongelma. Ei ole paikkaa minne viedä niitä kaloja. Kasottain kuolleita kaloja. Näen sieluni silmin...Heheh. Siivoan. Energia nolla, nyt tiskit, sitten pölyt, sitten imurimur ja sitten lattioiden pesu ja vessan pesu. jos sitten jaksan, vien pullot kauppaan. Jos sitten kerkiän/jaksan käyn kotikotona. Sitten kotiin. Yep yep. Jos jaksan.

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 25, 2003

Birds are singing. Sunny. I want into one school, but it costs 3600e. If I take a loan its not still enough. Just for living, but not for paying the school. Sigh.

When your day is long, and the night
The night is your's alone
When you're sure you've enough, of this life
Hang on
Don't let yourself go

Because everybody cries
And everybody hurts, sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along

When your day is night alone
And you feel like letting go
If you think you've had too much, of this life
Hang on
Because everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

I could sleep forever. Im so tired. But no - i need to eat something and then clean this apartment. I just hate weekends.

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 25, 2003

torstaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2003

Girls just wanna have fu-un...

As I said, Eija took a bunch of pics of me. this is the only one me looking like a humanbeing. Ok, sun is shining, gotta run.

torstaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2003

Gig at Suomenjoutsen...Fast one, but fun we had after it - took some pictures for webpages...group pics and face images.

Why in earth I always make silly faces and end up looking like a jerk when others look like models? Heheh, well no can do, gotta put silly picture at the webpage then. Heh 8) (After typing that I got bluescreen. I just hate windows.)

Well before the gig I sat at apteekki, drank coffee and read all the papers. Then went to hang by the suomenjotsen. Smell of sea breeze. It drives me grazy. after gig I went to watch telly to homehome and eat. Then I came home. Im not going to go jogging tonight - tomorrow then again. One day brake is good for my feet. Just some streching and stuff before sleep. Yesh. Good. *with Yoda voice* Its so stormy there ... hopefully these summerish days last. But I know - weather report said that we might even get some snow here again. Hahah - horrible winter, summer, winter, summer in few weeks. I mean - I love Finland at springtime. Nighty.

torstaina, huhtikuuta 24, 2003

keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 23, 2003

Yeah tell me about it.
Im red, I got some tan today. Hurray.
MY FIRST DRIVING CLASS AND NO-ONE GET KILLED! Im good with the car, to be an first-timer you know...Hhehehe I can hardly wait next lesson. ;))
What a warm day. Came home half an hour ago with last bus. Its still 10 degrees! Gotta get running soon. Busy day I had. !! Great one! Even thought Im so frusturated about my life, cause im hanging on nothing , sometimes Im so spiky and grrr murmurväyväy that I feel bad to be me. But this jogging is nice way to get steam out. Heh. Oh Gosh, Im still a bit depressed after not getting a work in Ribs/Pinella, but but...Maybe surutoin hahaha. :P Gotta go and ask or something. I want to travel. I want to get rid of all these financial chaotic problems I have. Im so afraid of losing this apartment from time to time that I dont sleep well. But who cares!! 8) Now I need to hype about my nicey day (and push all those worries away, like there is no such things haha! Im so good with this "Well, what the heck Mikäs enää tässä konkurssissa tuntuu hekoheko"-sowhatIdontcare way of living.)
First thing - sunshine. Oh oh oh!
II - Driving, med car. First lesson. I think I will get myself thru this, if I screw my drivinglisence, Im such a loser. It was not that easy but after awhile I was pro ;)) A loads of things to learn, but I love to learn new things!! And thats why im like childrenn after first real school day! I LOVE TO LEARN NEW THINGS! Aaaah!! :) )
III - The Pianist. Roman Polanski. Adrian Brody. 3 Oscars. Beautiful and so so...I dont have words. So pure? Perhaps. After 2.5h of that sorrow/happiness/beauty/darkness etc it was shocking to get back to sunshine and real life. I just walked to meet Senni, Mum and others and had no words. I just stared somewhere and felt that I could burst to cry. Even thought I didnt feel like crying. We are papermass generation. Ppl who have survived from wars and all of that and still are lauhging, living and enjoying everything that goes around are true belivers and really living. We are sugar. We do until we drop and land there and we dont want to fight cause we so afraid of smashing down again. Nice time with Eka, coffee at koulu, chatting and then that movie at the middle of afternoon. How special.
IV - Met Tuulia. Nice time also. At sunshine. Loads of laugh. Then I went home to eat eat EAT yummy pasta and rasberry icecream. Watched Björks concert from video with Emmi, spend time with her, cause she's leaving tomorrow back to north to her mother. Bohoo. I just love that grazy little 12year old step-littlesister-creature. She's bigger than I am. Björk look-a-like. One thing I hate - she's so clever. Gaah. ("Lotta, are you going to hang me if I do something stupid?") LOL, Good girl ;) ...
What a great "happy family" feeling we had today. We all ate pasta, sat on the sofa and watched six feet under from telly together. Hahah.
Anyway, gotta go, its almost 1am and Im tired. Some jogging and to bed!

keskiviikkona, huhtikuuta 23, 2003

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 22, 2003

Brilliant idea of jogging. I can bearly walk at the morning. Ha. Now I slept too much and I have hurry. its sunny, some coffee fast as lightning and here I go to my first driving lesson.

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 22, 2003

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 21, 2003

Shite.
I had this grazy idea of going out for little run. I love running and I've been seriously thinking of getting started of jogging like 1½ years...so...Tonight it hitted me - run. so I came home after midnight, changed clothes and went to run. Cold night air, but soon it turned to hot than hell. I forgot that all these roads are unlighted so I just ran like I had no eyes. Total darkness. Only stars above me. Loved it!! Woah, I love sundays and suburban areas. Anyway, had nice day with Pirkko and Aki at the city. Just lazying at riverside at the sun after walking around the city alone (and those new shoes I got from Senni rubbed my feet dead. Blood blood everywhere. Shite! and running shoes didnt felt any better. Am I masocist or what?) ... Uuuh. Gotta drink a littre of water, go to shower, fill the coffee maker ready for morning and sleep! Oe!

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 21, 2003

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 20, 2003

Duh. Watching F1. Räikkönen had to give away his last winner place...Sigh. Feeling soft and nicey. I had sauna last night. its possible than Pentti comes to fix my bike today. Big maybe. Also I planned to go to Homehome to play some piano or something. A movie would be nicey too. Rent one or then try to get Emmi and mum to watch Chicago with me. Dunno. I dont want to lazy around here all day. I would love to take a bike trip, but my wheels are ... well, Im not going to ride with it, yet. Sigh.

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 20, 2003

Sunday - Nothing to do. I woke up moment ago. First of all, its nice and sunny. I need to call to my stepfather and ask him to come here and fix my bike. After it I start to think about a) spend whole day inside alone b) leave to city c) try my telepathic way of trying to get ppl to call me and plan something nice for this nicey sunny day. Epa and co is at boat cruise and Senni is at Pori. Others - Im here. Lets do something nice - the weather is so great.

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 20, 2003

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 19, 2003

Summer! I went to pick some from at Lieto's siwa and Woah ate my first magnum (irresistible!! hehe.) of this spring/summer. The Ark's "calleth you, cometh I" fills my apartment, sun is shining...wish I could have time today to go to city, meet someone and go to drink first drink at kesäterassi! ;) Oh oh. Epa called and ask me to join her, but sigh - there is no busses and no money. So I have to skip that Crystal Extasy tonight too, cause I dont have money at all! Boho! Well...GOSH I LOVE THIS SONG. Gotta go to clean places. !!! :)) Im so full of some kind of strange bursting joy ... I love sunshine! I love smell of fresh first flowers! I love to wear my denim jacket and I love not to feel cold all the time! Winter is gone, hopefully.

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 19, 2003

Mick Taylor and Weetus blues band was...greeeath! Im dying if I cant get myself singing blues in next few months. Now - sleep.

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 19, 2003

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 18, 2003

Wentus Blues Band feat. Mick Taylor - Yes, Im so happy.

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 18, 2003

So...Finland has new Prime minister (first female in our history!) and goverment. Fuck politics, people just wanna hear music.
Like my friend put it "Our president is a woman, new prime minister is a woman, Kaarina's city goverments chairman is a woman, My boss principal is a woman...This country is getting distorted. Haha.
I played with computer until 4am and went to sleep. After drinking a bottle of pepsi I didnt really catch any sleep right away, so I read 'til half past four. I woke up at 10am. Played with snooze button til 11.40 and now Im here, feeling sneezy (hayfever) and achy. But coffee! - it always does da thingie. Its half cloudy spring day. Temptations are singing "my girl" in the radio, its easter holiday to people who work and such and I just hang around like I always do. Im too lazy to even think of vacuuming or washing floors. I think its enought that I dust all around and did the dishes. Im going to visit granparents today with Emmi and folks. Then at later night - Blueszzz.

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 18, 2003

torstaina, huhtikuuta 17, 2003

Yesh, finally something is happening with Sorb-i-tol! New minicd is on its way at last and music videos! Fantastic.

Some ideas about going to Vaasa area to shoot one in summer, we'll see about that then. I've been always having ideas of shooting own artsy fartsy video for few songs (I already have an idea) and Jukka said that he could borrow me camera and few 8 film and give me a introduction! Woah. Well that could be nice. I shoul really think about it...

I found some old huge ugly clothes from my closet and started to made my own - just cutting some parts of and tadah - Its top fashion! 80's punk stuff. Gosh, I should be in the business ;)) Messier da merrier is the thing nowadays. ;) Ok ok - gotta start cleaning this apartment.

I hate the fact that I called to Social secure office (i have nothing in my bank account!) to ask some money for food I forgot all about easter! Shit! Next time they can give me something is tuesday! I get 40e so I can by food and live the rest of the month. Now she said that she can say to Lieto's siwa that I come there and buy freely food with 20e, but its at LIETO city central - Tell me, how in earth Im going to get myself there? Sigh. I need to get that bike moving. But it seems that I have to get new wheels which means - I need money. Bwhahah. 8)

Tomorrow - Blues! Wentus Blues Band alive on the stage!! Woah.

torstaina, huhtikuuta 17, 2003

Its raining - water. Its quite warm. Spring. Im sadhappy™ . Good Night.

torstaina, huhtikuuta 17, 2003

New ooem which I wrote awhile ago.

Syksyllä loppui verentulo
Vuoden vaihteessa kiroilu
Kuukausi sitten tupakointi
Peilissä joku seinään juossut
Juuri, kuin tajusin näyttäväni
"Ihan hyvältä".

Menetettyä verta
Surenko?
Vaiko valokuvaa?
Jota ei koskaan tule.
"Meistä" kolmesta

Jos kysyt aikaa ensi viikosta
Emme puhu loppuelämästä
Enää.
Epäilen, liekö koskaan.
"Sitä saa mitä tilaa!", sanot.
Ensi kerralla postiennakolla.

My step-sister came to meet his father here. She's turned to be teen queen (She's always me that little pain in the ass 4year old kid)! She is 12 years old and loves Justin Timberlake (not his music, da look!) and other teen idols to death. Listens linking park and finnish rap-music. She's clever bitch and adores me. Ha, good taste :P One thing is that she always watch very closely everything me and Senni do! ...

Got card from Jamie! It was at Järvenpää (my old addy. I moved back to Turku from there like year ago, but thank god I have friends still studying and living in that campus!) but Camille send it to me...Nice.
Listening the Ark. Feeling quite empty. I've lost my connection to Epa. I think Im just a pain in the ass to her. She dont listen me and every time I call, its the wrong time. Or then she doensnt answer. And she never answer to my sms! When Im with her Im still alone cause she forgets that Im even there and just drools with Aleksi. I understand that very well, but they have whole life to be together...I feel so lonely. I know that Epa meets ppl, but Im just the whining bastard that ... I dont know how it is, but I feel that way. I've been trying to get touch with her so long and feels like Im total genie in da bottle. Well. Im whiney little thingie nowadays. Dunno why. These walls are heavy but I dont want to leave 'em too. Too tired to that. I need a lot ppl who I love and I make that very clear to them and still - it feels that I need everyone in bad time of life. Then I get scared of it and hide. And ignore everything. mm...hungry. I dont have anything to eat.

I LOVE to play cello. I love this spring weather. I love my new mobilephone-tama thingie which have this flashing lights always when phone rings or sms arrives. It also had this ability to say "I love you!" too at the same, but I got it yesterday - and my phone kept *piip* whole day long. Today when my mother rang it said "I love you" last time. Now it just have those lights. Even a stupid toy's love last one day ahahahhaha ;))
Well, it was quite annoying after one day. Every time I even touched my phone it said "I love you" with anime-voice. Hah. And I answered: "Yea rrright!" 8)

Tomorrow I have this nicey free day. Planning to clean this apartment after playin cello. Then making some Saaga pages and then meet someone at the city. Dunno who, someone. Or then nothing. I wish I have money (which I dont have and Im hungry) to go to movies. Chigaco! And ALL THAT JAZZ!! X)

torstaina, huhtikuuta 17, 2003

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 15, 2003

What a day. Im so tired that I could just stop breathing. I dont answer the phone cause I just cannot get my mouth open and say a thing. Anyway - hair cut is sappy, sunshine whole day. Met Heidi which was great - I've missed her a lot. Tomorrow cello lesson, can hardly wait. I enjoy going at driving school at theory lessons. Even thought after every lesson I feel like that I can never remember all of those things they made us to keep in mind! I have my first real driving lesson next week at tuesday at 12 o'clock ... so anyone who's at Turku city central - beware.
Nothing but bills bills bills. Made my mum lose her mind after opening myself and my prob's to her. I should win a lottery. I should pay rent tomorrow / I mean today, but all I have is 9e in my pocket, and Its all I have for the end of the month. But - that's how it goes. My friend wants me to take some money from him, but I just cant. I dont want to get any loans from theather and do work whole summer without getting no money from it. I dont know - survive now and live without anything thru whole summer? Listen me...I've give up already. No no no shut up Lotta, you'll get a job! You will!
Sigh. If I take that money and get myself out from this fucking situation I would do work at summer theather for whole summer (at every friday and saturday) and not getting any money (depends how much ppl we get there. If we get loads of audience I may get some euros for mself too, but if not ...) for it. I spend whole summer here and I wouldnt be able to travel to North. If I get work its not a big deal at all. But if I spend unemployed summer ...
Dont get me wrong ppl, btw. Even thought I always whine, Im happy. Im just so tired atm. I've used myself. I have great things in my life but this never ending fight. Almost every friend of mine have just got work like walking in to a some places and I havent got a thing in ages! Im sick of yelling and mocking. Whine whine whine :)
I feel schitzo ... "You are such a huge fucking piece of shit, loser!" is going around my head all the time, and I know that its not true. There are days when Im plainly so tired that I cant fight against that side of me...and then Im like this. Ah ah.
Mum was here tonight and said that she just hopes that there could be a button which could turn my life to a ball for once! Heh. I love her dearly. Heidi said that maybe I am having these huge deals with Karma in this life. Maybe maybe. 8) I love that we can joke about everything - My way to deal things is sarcasm. Heidi listen me and then we laugh us to death using sick way of humor ;) ... Even thought Im tired, Im not death. I will not even be. Im not really depressed or anything - Im just _tired_. Mentally and physically. I've lost my voice totally (I cannot speak) and I think Im getting a cold again!! (I dont know why flu is sticking inside my body so well!) ...

tiutau. voi kuin pääsisi suohomoihin.

tiistaina, huhtikuuta 15, 2003

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 14, 2003

I dont have that blues gig at mayday after all. Fuck. things are just going so greatly. I hate the fact that I cannot get on the stage. I need it badly. I need to perform pride and joy etc. I want to test my own songs with ppl. Oh well. Maybe someday - or then never. I dont even have a _band_ anymore. I sell my soul to Auraviihde and start to sing a goddamn humppa.

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 14, 2003

Morning coffee and silly tests:
Testisi tulos: (käyttäjät ovat saaneet keskimäärin tulokseksi: 39%)
Olet 62% inhetero! Heheh...

maanantaina, huhtikuuta 14, 2003

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 13, 2003

Oh Im so tired. Lazy sunday. Funniest day in ages - woke up extremely early, went to city to meet friends from Hki and we went to Asemessut. Hahah my tummy is still sore after all that laughing...I need to get myself to Hki soonish and spend some time with all of 'em. Saturday was slow. Korte was at home but didnt even send a sms or call me. Im angry to him. Sigh. Well maybe we meet when he gets out from army at next winter or something...Heh. Now japanese movie and tea, sleep and haircut at the morning! Woah!

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 13, 2003

One year at Turku. One year ago I moved back from Järvenpää to Turku and to Littoinen. One year ago I got myself out from school. Wow. How time flies.

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 13, 2003

I understand very well why Im not very good company nowadays - I have weird sense of humor, I joke/talk about suicide even though everyone knows (Me too) that Im not going to do so...I have weird sense of irony and sarcasm...but some ppl dont know that. Im so tired. Im so tired that I dont know how to breath sometimes. I look around me and see all these ppl crashing down and I cannot do a thing...

sunnuntaina, huhtikuuta 13, 2003

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 12, 2003

Tired. Saturday. Last nigth was success.

lauantaina, huhtikuuta 12, 2003

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 11, 2003

Uu, their gonna die..
Fuck.
My tummy is aching and I feel weak. Gotta get myself to shower and jump to that horrible winter wonder land...where is the spring I met few days ago? Hah.

Yesterday was oki. Dinner with Senni, Pirkko and Jussi at chinece restaurant. Rehersals which went veeerrrryyy well. Gotta love this acapella thingie. I heard that I got new drummer Kim Janson...Gotta say, that I dont know him at all, but it quite interesting. Im worried. Oh oh oh. Jesus loves ya.

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 11, 2003

Moi. Hali? Please. Oikeesti. Iso.

perjantaina, huhtikuuta 11, 2003

torstaina, huhtikuuta 10, 2003

New poetry of mine.

Keksittävä tekemistä
Kun kaikki kirjat on luettu
Levyt kuunneltu
Seinät silmät kuivuen tuijoteltu
Hienot sanat opeteltu
antihistamiini, eksemplifiointi, temperamentti!
Sellon kielet epävireeseen taottu
Köyttä rasvattu
Turhaannuttu.

Pyrin olemaan ajattelematta
Mutta...
Ajatteletkohan koskaan
Kuinka hyvää se olisi
(Oli.)
...
Minulla on sinua järjetön ikävä.

Keksittävä tekemistä!
Silmäni jäätyy objektiiviin
Jokainen tähti on nimetty
Eikä Nyt juurikaan auta se,
että kuussa olisi paljon katsottavaa.

torstaina, huhtikuuta 10, 2003

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