maanantaina, maaliskuuta 31, 2003

Heh. I wonder why does not people have enough guts to put their own name under the things they wrote. I cannot really take anything seriously If I dont know who wrote it. Anyway, sappy message 8) About me falling down from clouds (I wish I could live up clouds like some people do) and stuff. "You than anyone else, is good to realize, that you are not anything more"...Well duh.
Day from another I think a use of this webpage. You guys read my impulsive mumbling - its frusturated whine or then hyper active bable. Its not really me. Maybe? Some entries are very personal. Some are just way to put my mind down to something and never read it after it. Sometimes I read old stuff and wonder that people who not know me at all or not that well must be thinking me grazy or something. Cause I dont find Lotta from those lines.
Anyway, Morning cup of coffee. Colder day than it was yesterday. Girlie in da radio said that it will be snowing. Norah Jones from the stereo, it feels like sunday - which was yesterday. Another week with new changes. *Suddenly gets hyperactive* Oh oh oh! :))
Im going to meet Heidi today and later on Tuulia. Maybe I go to check Epa also at night, before I go home. Big maybe. Then tomorrow - cello lesson, meet with Petrus (he take me to eat and so on. I miss his jolly substance.) and later on at 8pm - Acappella rehersals! Wednesday we have rehersals too...Yesh! Ooh I can hardly wait, my tummy start to fill with butterflies ... I need to check those songs from cd today. Heh, Im so excited and I just can hide it...Lalalalaa.
Heheh, Im trying to get a job from Kebab restaurant. I could be Aziz Kebab fighter!!1 Dont ask...
That reminds me that I should meet Jere someday. But he have dug himself somewhere...Well - one week and I have saldo again. Boring fact is that Eric dont have money to travel to Finland. Next week was da week in his plans and he could have stayed with us about 3weeks or so. Damn. Me and Senni waited for it so much. They kicked him out from the work and didnt give him the money he earned so now he dont have money to buy tickets. But that's how it goes...
More coffee.
From time to time nowadays my self esteem is down and under. Middle of that all, Im happier than ever. This spring is making my heart full of waiting for summer. All those DBTL gigs, green grass, people buying ice cream and smiling, warm sea breeze, Thunder rain and I wait more than anything to get to north. Swamp soccer and evrything with RH Blues Band. I cannor recall anything here as -summer-. I need to be at north to feel the feeling of "Oh, its summer all right" ... My strawberry field is waiting for me. Two summer with good success. I need to remind Virpi about taking care of it soon and let it be until I get there. Mum and Pentti's summercamp is soon ready for use and I can hardly wait. Gotta get my bike fixed someday and I save a loads of money. 56e per month. Oh OH. And In few months my dream come true (what a huge dream, so sue me.) - I can drive with Raikku's jenkki!! With da bluesmobile. He promised that in that day when I have a driverslicense he let me drive that car. Super...Hehe hopefully I dont destroy it.
3 weeks without tobacco. Last night when I was falling down to sleep I started to think and noticed, that I dont really remeber when was the last time I smoked. I dont need it anymore. I dont feel like it anymore. Perjantaina oli huikea tunne, kun ihminen jota en ole nähnyt aikoihin tarjosi savuketta, niinkuin aina tekee - ja kieltäydyin. Automaattisesti. Kevyesti. Tadah. Ei tullut edes sitä hetken harkintaa tai takaraivossa vuosia ollutta "Kyllä kiitos" lausetta ulos vahingossa. *Nostaa nenäänsä ylös* Hyvä minä. Jos jostain saan itsessäni olla ylpeä niin tästä olen ja sitä minulta ei kukaan vie pois! Hähää...
Come away with me...to the night...
Laters.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 31, 2003

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 30, 2003

Olin yötä kotikotona. Ihan jees. Olo outo - itsearvostus ja -tunto ihan maassa. Kun ei onnistu saamaan edes jätskimyyjän paikkaa niin alkaa tuntua, että olen maailman suurin luuseri. Ongelmat kasaantuvat päälle, liikaa aikaa miettiä joten kaikki saa suureelliset mitat. Päivät toisensa jälkeen turhauttavat ja ei pysty edes luomaan mitään koska on niin tukossa. Biisien kirjoittaminen on mahdotonta. Väsyttää alituisesti. Tänään joku sanoi, että "koskaan ei mitään saa kuin yrittää, niin se vain on". Pitäisikö sitten muka luovuttaa ja toivoa, että jotain tapahtuu ihan niin kuin vain itsestään? Ohhoijaa. Sitä alkaa olla ihan puhki. Huomenna pitää soittaa lääkärille ja soittaa selloa. Oujea. Pesin muuten kotikotona kaksi säkkiä pyykkiä. Jospa tänään sais tiskit vielä ...

Kevät. ihastuttavaa. Jalat väsyt kun juoksin vähän. Pitäisi vain hommata lenkkarit. Sain rikkinäisistä talvikengistä nyt viimein pohjat irti kun vedin 2.5km suoran vauhdilla kotiin...Nyt ihan jumissa jalat, heheh.

Mitäpäs muuta - niin joo...en ihmettele että miksi ihmiset haluavat tappaa toisiaan, jos maailmassa tehdään tälläisiä elokuvan jatko-osia...*Katsoo BluesBrothers 2000*

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 30, 2003

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2003

This headache. I can bearly move my eyes. I dont even have any medicine. Spring. Beautiful day. I just went to the store to get some food with last pennies I got. Raejuustoa and pinapple. Mm. Shit. I have difficulties to sleep at all nowadays. My body is aching and head...Maybe its this light, I dunno.

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2003

Fuck. Im going to sleep until I feel no sleepy at all. Right now I cannot get no sleep - pardon me, i've tried without any huge success. Sigh. I want days without nothing to do, clean apartment, fridge full of yummy food and ... comfy soft HUGE bed. Aha aH Ah!

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2003

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

^Slight headache. Nothing to do. I feel bored. Weekend. Gotta hate it. Days are just the same for me, nothing special ahead. No money to meet friends at bar or so. And Im feeling still quite anti-social...SENNI GOT L FROM FINNISH! I adore her!
Anyway, coffee coffee, shower and dishes. A Survey perhaps?

WHAT BAND....

Makes you cry: Joni Michel, Saaga, Edgar's cello concerto
Makes you laugh: Mumbo Jumbo, Liam Lynch, Halavatun Papat
Makes you smile: J.Leino & BluesGuys, Groove Convention
Reminds you of an ex friend: Queen
You never want to hear it again: Children of Bodom
Reminds you of your childhood: Queen, Slade, Rainbow, Alice Cooper, Rölli
You want to get married to: huge big band. what ever they are playing.
You like to wake up to: Bo Kasper Orchestra
You like out of your parents record collection: Queen & Blues records
You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: Groove Convention
You love the video: Björk - its oh so quiet, Chemical Brothers - hey boy, hey girl
Reminds you of your first crush: Alice Cooper
Remind you of your new crush/love: Koop
Makes you think of sex: Massive Attack
Makes you think of being alone: Cocco
Are embarrassed to admit you like: Girls aloud - Sounds of a underground...It has nice guitar thingie...
Perks you up: Marilyn Michaels
You love to sing: Marilyn Michaels, MiriaM, B.O.M, Sorb-i-tol

tadah. Ok. Yadiyaa.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

cos nobody loves me, that's true. not like you do.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

Bittersweet Delicious life
Good night. Im so tired.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

Being a model to my dear sister and she's just "Im sure this is a first time you have to be real ugly and...well...you are real ugly" ... Gosh. I made it. Hopefully pictures turn out just fine. So called "inho"realism (I dont know proper english term for it) is fun, go go and mess up with your make up, baby. Darling you are just a whore, cause you are a girl and look like it. We had a great laugh and time of time. She own me a one pint. Truly. Its not totally free to get me around half naked to look ugly as hell! Ha. ;) And I said - whatevah *Insert kicking guitar riff here*...

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

I start to miss Sirre after hearing this Liam Lynch's "United state of whatever". Video for that song is extremely funny. I just love when they make silly music!

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

Bittersweet combination of loneliness and anti-social feelings - what a package.
Week of that. What an experience. Spring. I feel high. Red wine, silly british comedy, planning to get an hair cut when I win in lottery and so on. Got Saaga's whole studio session at cd-r and send mp3's to DBTL office and so on...Hopefully some great gigs we get. Oh yeah. As you might already know Great is my middle name. (Tell you the truth, its Karoliina. Or Mailis. Depends how you put it. My REAL first name is Lotta-Mailis, but everyone _everyone_ use Lotta. No-one really even knows anything about any "Mailis"-part in my name...Blabla) Star trek the next generation's new movies opening was skipped for me, cause I didnt have money. Other wise...And also I skipped a trip to Kevola observatory. Im way too tired and achy to be under the night sky. Maybe its the thing what I need mostly...but oh well. Tomorrow serious cello playing, visit to homehome and then to observatory maybe. Everything is free in this plan and I can get some food from home. Possible Kevola's trip med observing of planet Pluto (I love to be geek!) woo ... With *megalomanical droolign* our new piece of jewerly ... You know what Im talking 'bout. Nexstar 11 GPS ... only one in finland. Million micro-orgasm's on its way. Really. Just look at it:

Such an beauty. Anyway...On my way to sleep. Hopefully Senni's english goes well tomorrow. I'll get notes from daddy-o tomorrow or in monday and I'll start to get their wedding walch ready soon as its possible. Gaah.
Dont tell this to anyone, but I just figure out in my head that next time when I have _time_ to go to north is to Dad's&Virpi's wedding, and then just few days. And cause of my trip there we have to cancel some musical shows. Fuck I hate myself. The fact of that is braking my heart. IM SO HOMESICK that I feel like getting a heart attack or something. All I want is a two week there now and two at summer - on the road with RH blues band. All friends around. Kainuu's summer. Its all. Nothing makes me more Lotta than it. Im lost without it. And now Im lost - without it.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 28, 2003

torstaina, maaliskuuta 27, 2003

Im tired of everything. Im tired of this waiting. Im tired of this aching. I love all the new things - getting driverlicense and new musical. But everything else...I dont know what day is going, all the same mess. My head its full of fog and I need some getting off from this, escape. Get a day or few time to breath. - but I dont have money to go to Helsinki to meet my few friends which I need and miss a lot. Im sick of the way how things have gone in my daily life - This "get a job!" idea is driven me inevitably mad. Its become an obsession. Im acting hyperactive and all I talk about is getting a job, all I do is trying to get one, send send send wait wait wait search search search. I get a atom bomb explotion inside my head when I realize that I dont have saldo in my phone and I cannot call to anywhere, and so on. Im so stressed about losing this apartment and all, that its driven me mad 8) ... But I can surely say, that I've even tried to get one. Duh. Hehehe.

My neck is hurting soo much. (whine whine!) Mum hugged me today and I saw stars cause of the pain. But good thingie - I have food! Mum bought me some bread, bananas, pinapple and tea.

I played cello at homehome first time since I moved away over an year ago! Mum was amazed how much I've learn. So was I. Playin have become my way to breath. I dont know other way to let out my frustration. Play until my hands hurt. Train train train. Irma was very delight about my playing yesterday at my lesson and gave me great tough russian song to play. It has ½-5th position and everything. Very melodic and dramatic! Just what I like, but its hard. I tried to play it today and slowly I got something out from the notes, but it sounded horrible...lotsa work ahead :P

I should go to sleep. Tomorrow early wake up, then I go to Senni's. Before that I need to pic Saaga cd from Epa's and hurry to Yo-village. Tired to do anything. I should do the dishes and wash some clothes, but lazy ass of me always say: "I can do that tomorrow"... Heah.

Its strange to spend day after another here. Think too much, get my head together and in pieces also hhehe. I really need to talk to someone. But its hard to open myself. I know one person, but Im sure I wont meet him in ages. Bah.

Spring is here. I feel like running! (Said with Forrest Cump voice!)
And Im sick of this GODDAMN war.

Oh oh All those movies what I want to see. Wish I have fortune of money for all of that! New star trek movie, Chicago (hunred times!), The pianist, Punk Junk love, Hours, Molfovar's "talk to her", Adaptation, new Matrix sequels and so on...

I can only dream of getting million euros from lottery and then bunch of movie tickets! BUT a good news - we got Saaga gig to tough eye animation movie festival possibly and we dont really get paid for it...just free tickets to every show ;)) Whee! Im like - in heaven if its true. Gotta ask from Epa. Havent heard about her thought, she's so in love with Aleksi that she's almost living with him even thought they have been together just for an week tomorrow...She dont have any other parts in her life no more. And if you go to talk to her in a need of comfort its all about "Im so happy, Im so in love, Have you heard this and this what Ive dont with Aleksi?..." and I will not have a change to say a thing between all this happy bable! 8) Its cute cute, but...you know ;))
Hopefully he's da man, cause all I want is Happy-Epa forever!

I wish I had a life too. But this is my life. In a way, I truly enjoy it...with "it" I mean this way of being with myself. Get to know who Lotta truly is after this few hectic years. I enjoy going alone to movies, to gigs and so on. But...Heh. Im glad I've left nightlife behind, but at the same time, I've lost all my creavity contacts. I have a huge lack of inspirations. I havent got anything done in weeks. I have two sorb-i-tol songs which Im working without no success. Also bunch of blues and I get nothing down to paper, even thought this chaos of feelings and words inside me. I have paper and pen next to me all the time. Nothing. Nothing. I try to write. I try to sing. I try to figure out what Im thinking and all I feel is slight panic after realizing that Im all numb. Of course Im happy about everyting, worried about certain things and stressed about this and that, but otherwise - numb. Nothing. Rien. Nulla. Kotonashi. Nada. Ingenting. Ei mitään.

I've lost a intress of anything cause I have nothing to do! Of course I do - have to eat everyday, so I need to cook and so on, but...well anyone who have been without a work over an year knows exactly what Im talking about.

OK - off I go. Tea and Lord of the rings, some good music and dreams of sailing away!

torstaina, maaliskuuta 27, 2003

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 26, 2003

I think I have too much, way too much free time.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 26, 2003

Tired. What a great sunny day. Niskat niin jumissa etten pysty kääntämään päätäni tahi liikuttamaan oikeaa käsivarttani. Helvetti sentään. Kohta kotikotiin. PItäisi tänään hakea Epalta Saagan uusimmat studiolevytykset...sigh. Tiskivuori is my personal mt.Everest. Luoja auta vaikka tukista. Nothing from work places in few days. They promised to call me, from every place. Fuck I hate this waiting. Im so tired of my life, even thought new musical is getting itself going on so well, Im so happy about it and excited! I can hardly wait next week when we have two rehersals!! Its great to be bass in acapella band. I sing so low that you cannot tell is it man singing or woman...haha! :P I got letter from Kirsikka today! How perfect! :)
HUNGRY!
Still...

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 26, 2003

Red Hot ChilliPeppers Rock my world!! What a gig! Woah!
I just came home, Im hungry as hell, nothing to eat and not a penny of money. Mother bought me shampoo and skin creme today, which is good - my cheeks are ichy cause of this spring weather...Sigh. HUNGRY!

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 26, 2003

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

Bah. Serious cello playing. My hands are so tired that its hard to write this blog...or sms with phone. I dont know...I have so much frusturating time in my life that I fill those hours with cello playing. Mutta helvetti soikoon, menee hermot jousen kanssa. Se ensinäkin on ihan rikki ja toiseksi se ei toimi vaikka kuinka hartsia tunkisi. Se on kokakola, niitettyä kauraa - historiaa. Jos jollain olisi lahjoittaa lottovoitto niin ostaisin toki uudemman. Erikeepperi on ihme kamaa, pitää jousen hienosti koossa. Entinen omistaja sanoi, että se on muutenkin niin romu tuo jousi, että jos se menee vuoden sisällä rikki niin hän kustantaa uuden. (KETTU!) ... Dum dum dum. Päivän ateria (Elegantti mössö purkkiananasta ja raejuustoa.) ja suihku. Should meet Heidi at the city. She just called and sound very sappy. Which Im not. I try to act one. Yleensä on sitä miltä näyttää.-kö?
Kevät saa, minä en. Taustalla soi blååsia ("Lotta language"-sanakirja paljastaa sen tarkoittavan bluesia) ja elämä on niin tylsää ja raivostuttavaa, että tekisi mieli pistää jotain palasiksi. Odottaminen, tyhjän päällä päkittäminen, venttailu on niin kettumaista ettei tosi. Tila jossa ei tiedä ollakko paikalla vai mitä tehdä. Kaikki venyy pitkäksi...Ja toiseksi tällähetkellä elämässä niin monet vaativat minulta sitä sun tätä. Ole minulle tueksi, soita selloa, kirjoita biisejä, tee jotain elämälläsi, etsi töitä (sanoo Lotalle Lotta!) ja vastaa kysymyksiini ... Eikö sitä ihminen saisi rauhassa rakentaa jotain pohjaa sille jonka joskus pisti ehdoin tahdoin paskaksi? Rupeen myymään itsestäni palasia (Älä tyydy halpoihin kopioihin) kilohintaan. Jokainen saa omansa, älkää huoliko, kyllä tätä riittää.
Toisaalta sitä täyttää sitä turhautumista sitten sillä, että tekee tekmistä itselleen. No, tässä talossa sitä on ja tässä elämässä. Kun ignorannut kuukausia sitä tosiasiaa, että pitää hoitaa asioita. Sitten kun katsoo ympärilleen niin tajuaa, että kaikki menee päin helvettiä. Kun työstää elämänsä kiinteäksi "teen niin paljon, että en muuta voi" niin eipähän tarvitse miettiä. Kun olisikin näin - mietin liikaa. Aivan liikaa. Koko ajan. Muistelen, ikävöin, suunnittelen, pohdin, unelmoin. Stressaan, panikoin, turhaannun, päkitän. Tylsistyn, rasvaan köyttä...;)
Tiet kuivuu. En omista moottoripyörää, enkä ajokortteja mutta mieleni tekevi on da road.
BTW - 2 weeks without tobacco!!
Ah ah ah ah!
Naapurin käsilaukkuun mahtuva piski pitää taas "Yo homegirl Im right here" konserttiaan, komppaa bluesiin taustoja ja lopettaa viiden jälkeen kun perhe tulee kotia. R-a-i-v-o-s-t-u-t-t-a-v-a-a. Tätä kun se on joka päivä. Sitten kilpaillaan kummasta lähtee enemmän ääntä; sellostani, minusta vai siitä. Heahha. Gotta go now.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

I just woke up. Sunny sunny birds are singing and everything is fine and dandy. First thing I do when I got up (like 10mins ago) was turn on the coffeemaker and then run to check snailmail. Nothing. Just huge box of libresse invisible sanitary towels!!! I mean...whattah? Some of those where the size of my ass...I want letter from Kirsikka, not a advertisement full of crap I will never need. I wonder who even desings those...Huge pink ungly box which yells "girly stuff"! Oh well. No emails too. What is wrong now? What Im suppose to do now? No snail- or e-mail! No answers to aplications. Nothing to reply. Nothing to read. I wish I could order newspaper or Aku Ankka or something...heheh ;)
Hum hum. Sunny. I just got sms from Ari that I have to be at the city after 6pm. Rehersals. Huh, when I think about it I got little shivering all over my body - first acappella musical rehersals today. Lotta, you gotta train your bass...*dum dum dum*
Feeling a bit crappy, these "Im death tired but I just HAVE to watch oscars and stay awake til 7.30am"-days are not really healthy...and with this loads of junk food I swallow down in me! Bag of potato chiops (and it didnt even take long to eat those, Im just a m0nstah!), chocolate, pepsi, bottle of dark velkko...
So today I only drink coffee, eat pinapple and raejuusto. Water water water. I feel swollen and huge. Salt - baaad m'kay. Ok, laters everyone.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

Gogo polanski! Anyway, Chigaco just won da oscar "movie of the year". After being in swing musical with hapsumekko and muffs and everything...GOSH I miss to be on stage, dance and sing something so colorful and so out of this world that no any fucking war gives any mood swings ever...WHoah - Sleep soon. Zzz.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

WOO!! Bowling for columbine and Moore got oscar for best documentary! He shouted "shame on you, Bush" and everything on the stage, some ppl where boo'ing, some cheering...GOSh I truly admire his work.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

Bohoh. Finnish film didnt not took "best foreing film" oscar. Bohohohoo. But well, after I start to make films...Finland sinks cause of Oscars heaviness harhar.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

Chicago chicagoooh! All I can sing is "...with all that jazzz-aah!" and images of glittering fancy 20's charleston suits are making me shiver and I just want to burst to sing and tap dance. Spirited away won a oscar of best animation film. Wooah!

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

Sigh. Cup of coffee and tv. Waiting for oscars. Playing with computer. Tiredness after 1h of nap. I really dont have life. Writing blues lyrics about person I have in my head all the time and how much I long ... My head hurts and I wish I could be telepathic. I need a life. Hopefully tomorrow my email inbox fill with "We want you to job interview"-emails, mailbox with sappy letters from friends far away, phone with sms from people I miss so much that it hurts. I have this empty part in my heart. Dont take this wrong way - no whine. I spend so much time alone nowadays that I've become quite aware of things I have inside me. I let myself relax and I've start to listen all that bable inside me which I've ignored for so long. Tomorrow I should go to city and I have FIRST musical rehersals tomorrow evening. Huuh! exciting!!!!!!! Hurr! I can hardly wait. I also love this spring so much that Im going to wear my red brownish handmaded leather boots. Click clack while I walk and I look like a hardcore bluesbitcah but who cares. mm. Ok. I need a cat. Something to hold on and someone to talk to. I want to get myself ready for spring "paasto" and start to run again. I want to be like girls in Chigaco. I want to be on brodway stage someday. But its quite impossible cause a) God never send you a pair of long slim legs b) Im not a dancer c) I need to go to singing lessons but I havent found a person who could be my teacher. Oh...one is possible, but havent heard about her ... Wish I know about it soon soon.

Im born to be an South Park character.
Oscars!
Why I stay awake? I could watch oscars from telly tomorrow evening also, not live but still. I could sleep. I have no idea. I dont want to sleep yet. I dont want to wake up and find another 24h without NOTHING to do. IM SO BORED. I want a rhythm and routine. Heheh. There is a million ppl who could quit their job and start to live 100% bohemian life - and I just want a little piece of routine to this chaotic unbearable lightness of being.
Pain in the ass. I'll be that to the day I die. Har har. Hmm...Elämä lyhyt, Rytkönen pitkä.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 24, 2003

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2003

I think this is da most boring day in ages. So far. Just nothing - lazy tv staring idle blahoo. sunday bloody sunday, I can tell...

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2003

just put one aplication on its way moment ago. Gaah Im tired of this. Tonight oscars. War war everywhere and nothing more. I can hardly sleep at nights cause my thoughts spinn around the situation in middle east. Heh, btw I saw so strange dream...woke up at the morning cause I was laughing out loud. I remember my dream quite well, but its nothing funny really when I put it down on words. Just bunch of my own sick humor med ironic sense. Its spring. Yay. I should do the dishes. I have nothing to do really, lazy sunday front of tv. i think I'll play a bit cello and gotta take nap at the evening. Oscars on tv finnish time 3am-7am. And Im going to watch it. What if Kaurismäki gets a "best foreing film" Oscar? What then?! Also some good movies on telly tonight. Summer of kikujiro by Takeshi Kitano. I've seen it hundrets of time and I love it so much!

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2003

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 22, 2003

I was one of the 10.000 people at Turku's peace protest today. It was fab. 20.000 at Helsinki. Wow.

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 22, 2003

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2003

Mother called and said that my picture was at the newpaper...well not MY picture...I was at the market place yesterday at protest and My jacket and boots are in the picture and my right ponytale. Heheh. Coffee and then I start to clean da places.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2003

Btw, I lost one work place 'cause I cannot use Corel Draw. Gaah. Well Tapsa didnt give that program to me 'cause I have such an lousy computer that It will tilt straight away when I install it. Why why why I dont have a fortune and get all the cool extra fast computers ... Im still living at the 1997-2000 with my 'puter. AND THIS WINDOWS 98 IS MAKING ME LOOSING MY MIND. Boot.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2003

My daily routines novadays are this:
- Waking up before my alarm clock start to ring or 15-45mins after I've shut it off while I was sleeping and having no memory picture of that.
- Make some coffee. While its getting ready run to mailbox and open da computer. Check emails.
- Check www.mol.fi and send aplications if something interesting turns out.
- Answer emails from firms which are not "Sorry ..." - This is da moment of the day. Feeling of high hopes which always drop down like a stone. Smash.
- Play some cello. In this point Im quite hyperactive cause of litre of coffee and emails.
- Get myself ready to city, do things or then spend day at the house.
- Back to computer. Emails. Job searching.
- News on tv. 2-3am.
- Fill coffeemaker ready for morning. Crawl to bed and some serius reading LoTR 'til my eyes cannot focus on the text.
- 4-8h of bad dreams and idle half-sleeping.
Blahoo.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2003

I dont know. Sleep - friday, free day. What shall I do with it? I dont know - I need to rest. Ari said tonight after Mumbo Jumbo that Im hyper activate. I think I've started to act very manical once in a while. Or then Im doing nothing. Now Im truly doing everything too much, not enough sleep just "I need to get work work, I need to send emails, I need to get a work place" and hurrr hurrr hurrr like a robot...Im so hurrhurr that Im even hurr'ing while I sleep and that's why I dont really sleep. Im just - hurrr...
Nighty nite.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2003

WHy in earth I read news and watch cnbc all night long? Tieto tuskaa lisää. I was at peace march/protest thingie at the Turku market place today. 5minutes silence and candles. We made huge peace sign with all those candles then. Very beautiful. When I came out from Börs it was still burning.
What a day again. Kaamos and Coma. Im totally numn. This war and everything in my life. I feel unsappy and slow.
I wonder that 3/5 from world are against this war and still its not making any deal to anything. Maybe last nights attacks where way to try new weapons and now its starting to beging. Heah. I need to wake up early today and Im still fully awake. I bought a new table today from second handshop. Also a retro (danish desing whoah!) old 70's can where I put all the coffee. Ah ah, pink/purple/orange stripes...Energy is a word of friday to Lotta, right?! Woah. Tomorrow , I mean today, I need to make some very important phonecalls. I have a meeting with Heidi at 3pm and then I think that I'll visit at observatory also! And later on I think I go to meet Epa or something and then home to sleep cause I have a early early wake up to saturdays Protest against war...again of course. Hey Ho, Lets go! Semper fi, live or die.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 21, 2003

torstaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2003

King Crimson in the stereo. Played cello a bit. Helped a lot of my tiredness. Gosh, how Im going to swept away these sore huge fish's eyes Im having? Im going to join to candle peace march tonight before Epa, Hanna, Maija and I will go to Börs to see Mumbo Jumbo. Epitaph.
Confusion will be my epitaph.
As I crawl a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back and laugh.
But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying,
Yes I fear tomorrow I'll be crying.
Kuten Ismo eilen tiivisti - Nähdä King Crimson ja kuolla. Jokaisen itseään arvostavan muusikon pyhiinvaellus. Hiljainen rukous. Mistä saada 55e? Tell me. Tell me.

torstaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2003

So war started. After 5am I just stared news 'til I didnt want to hear a word. So depressing.
Its sunny and sparkling cold. I should get myself ready to hit da road to city and so on. Heidi is calling me and Im not picking phone cause Im lazy. I cannot call her back cause Im out of saldo. Hell, I try to get a work, then someone say "Call me and I'll tell you more!" but I cant cause of my saldo. Väyväy.
It was snowing last night. Stormy, windy, snowy. No letter from Kirsikka. Damn, its only thing why I keep running at my mail box all the time. I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky...Hi. My name is Kylie Minogue and I've sold my soul to satan. Dont take me seriously, Im just sick of doing background singing gigs, I want BLUES!

torstaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2003

im so messed up that I dont know have someone put drug in my water and coffee or am I just going slighty mad.

torstaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2003

We (Saaga) are going to be a family. Fuck what a night.

torstaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2003

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 19, 2003

Quite ironic is that at the same time our gig ends - war begings in middle east. Yay. I feel tired and down. I love to meet people but right now I just want to stay at home. Now feeling to get on the stage and shine like a star. No no.
Social secure worker called. They will not lent me a penny. Im screwed.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 19, 2003

I woke up at 11 something. Sun was shining, birds where singing and everything was under control and sappy. I checked email - some "sorry, we like your style but we dont need ya" emails from firms and and...no letter from Kirsikka. Bohoo, she promised so send it in monday. I made some coffee and sat down front of computer and started to collect my portfolio. Damn I've lost SO much stuff. Damn damn. I wish I had a huge scanner here I could scan my art there too. Drawings, paintings...Sigh. I spend hours doing that, got it online moment ago and now I should start to get myself ready somehow. Something to eat, shower and things like that. I wonder why I cannot get Epa to another head of the phoneline. Whole band is wondering that where will we meet and when should we be there and there. What should we take there with us? And so on...ARGH. this is extremely annoying. We will have huge firght about the name changeing today also. We cannot use Saga no more (I've been telling Epa for few years that same named proge band is in Canada. 25years before us and still going strong!) and Epa dont like Saaga. One fucking A! What's the deal?! Its too finnish, she says. Well heck no. Now she's fall in love with her great name idea "Saiga". She dont care even thought its a horse and popular name for farm animals and also a gun label. Also Szága - Noooo...
Sigh. This is a band so we should pick the name together...

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 19, 2003

birds are singing. joy.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 19, 2003

Im so tired of this war thingie.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 19, 2003

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2003

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2003

Blogger aint working again. shit.

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2003

Im irc'ing after delicious meal I just cook for myself. Mm!
< Nahguri > kyllä se taitaa olla musta =D
< Nahguri > vaikka olen valkoineeeeeen! mun munani on musta.
< Genoveva > mustissa oli sellainen kimeä räime

Keskustelunaihe : Rytmimunat. Heah.

SAIGA gig (old Saga, we changed da name) at DownTown / Turku tomorrow evening 22 o'clock smt...Everybody there!!
How nice to get on stage after 3weeks being totally drawn away from life...

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2003

I watched Bush speech last night live from CNBC. I just dont understand. Hopefully God still keep blessing Europa too, hah. He made everything sounds like we dont wanna help at all. I dont know. We got Halme, they got Bush.
Morning coffee. There was sunshine at the morning but now its grey. Im waiting for postman to arrive and hopefully brings me something to cheer me up. I have to start to play cello a bit, get myself fully awake and then to city...cello lesson. I feel a bit down, I see these nightmares and fear of war makes 'em wilder than in ages. I should be doing movies.

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2003

Im so tired that I could die.
I've surfed around, filled aplications to different kind of "henkilöstövuokraus firmoille". Im so tired that my eyes are shaking. I also send aplications to all kind of desing and new media firms and to few other restaurants again. I've like listed over 25 places now...maybe even more, I've just flooded emails towards everywhere but I forgot to take down all the addies etc...Sigh. Got one rent payed, half from mobilephone bill. I have 50e for the last of the month and one rent unpaid. Also pile of bills (about 200e) ... merciless headache. I've been so paniced about my life and situation that I hardly get any sleeps at night. I took little nap today but all I saw was nightmares. My lower tooths are aching cause I keep schewing 'em when I sleep. Grr. Hopefully I get a letter from Kirsikka tomorrow to cheer me up. I adore her.
Im sure everything will go allright but you know - when you are at the point where you have this growing panic inside you...Only thing you want is a proper work and get a normal life with routine. Four years of chaos. I want my table clean and start to live my life cause of me...

One WEEK WITHOUT TOBACCO already! Go go girlie go! Gotta love it.

Horrible pile of paper work I have also. And Im so paniced that my hands are shaking that I havent been playing cello at all. I feel horrible about that, I have a lesson tomorrow. I feel terrible how I've let my life to be like this. Im ashamed and I hate myself deeply. I dont know how Im going to be humble enought to pick up the phone when my social secure office worker call me tomorrow afternoon. Im going to fade away. Even a think of it makes my heart run so quickly that I think Im going to pass out.

Hey, everybody - Saga at DownTown -wednesday 19.3.03 - Voices of Female night. Three bands. We we we!!

Gosh Im tired. One day at Helsinki would be lovely but in this bankruptcy ... Ok. this goddamn headache is getting horrible. I go to shower and then sleep. I need it badly. I feel so dirty.

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2003

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 17, 2003

over 25 places I've tried. Tomorrow I start to call after. Tonight I'll send more aplications around turku. Now some food too - cold salmon, raejuusto, pinapple and salad. Mm.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 17, 2003

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 16, 2003

Japanese pop music at the background. Beautiful spring weather and sunday evening. I will not go to vihreiden vaalivalvojaiset cause Im too tired and lazy. I'll wake up early at the morning tomorrow, call to many different restaurant (I just send one aplication to Naantali's seurahuone.), finnish cleaning and play cello. I also need to pick stuff from työkkäri. Bohoo. Boring.

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 16, 2003

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2003

Spring weather! Ah. I'll write more later on, tomorrow I go to peace march at nighty and other stuff. Now Im on my way to studio and seems that I cannot get cat anywhere! I've made 3 phonecalls about a cat and nothing. Why in earth everything goes so well in my life? ;)
Here some pictures I got yesterday. I took 'em one cold night few months ago. -25 outside and windows iced. Beautiful.

How nice that summer is on its way?! I need to visit in helsinki soon, gosh...but with this budget. Njäh. Hoppas I win in lottery. But now - something quick to eat and I need to go go go.

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2003

I just emailed two job application. I've send over 20 in < week - without response. Blimey. I wonder - Miten sitä voi saada oppisopimusta tai muuta jos aina sama kehä; "Emme ota töihin ilman kokemusta", mutta kokemusta ei saa jollei koskaan saa töitä! Jos ei saa töitä eikä kokemusta on turha kuvitella että saisi koskaan oppisopimuspaikkaakaan. Ohhoijaa. Sanon vain - Miksi Jeppe juo? Miksi sitä on ahdistunut? Ellei sanota, että on "liian nuori" tai "ei ole ajokorttia" tai muuta yhtä älytöntä niin sitten "Ei tarpeeksi kokemusta"...Tässä elämän konkurssissa on jo miettinyt ääriolosuhteita, kadunkulmia ja tiukkoja pvc hameita ;)
;P
Oikeasti, tiedän olevani hirveän lahjakas ja mainio heebo. Tiedän, että joku saisi minusta ihan helvetin hienon jutun lafkaansa. Mutta ee. Ee kelepoo ee. Ee. Mie muutan takase savvoo ja alan siellä työttömäksi sillä siellä sittee aenaki voes ollo iha tosissaa kunnee siellä oo ies töetä kellennää. Täällä olisi, mutta kun ei kellekkään kelepoo! Helevete! Forgive my angst about this situation. Im sick of sitting home, Im sick of checking my emails in every few seconds, Im sick of staring my phone and wish someone call me and say "you are hired". or so on. Maybe Im naive daughter of a bitch or then I just have a very very very very very very very bad luck. I've lost my nightly sleep 'cause of this. Im sick of being unemployet!

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2003

Kuolet 22. 5. 2059
40% Todennäköisyydellä kuolet johonkin sairauteen
32% Todennäköisyydellä kuolet päihteisiin
0% Todennäköisyydellä kuolet tapaturmaisesti tai "tapaturmaisesti"
4% Todennäköisyydellä teet itsemurhan.
24% Todennäköisyydellä kuolet jostain muusta syystä.

Jolly. Seems like with these horrible unhealthy way of living I'll still live forever. Grreat. Keep on good work, Lotta. Whatta day, Too tired to think anything but sleeping - but I cannot get no sleep. Early wake up and Saga in studio for whole day. We only record "Here I stand" so Anni will not be needed there, so I lost my lift to studio. I have to take a bus which means - to city, there I have to take a bus to Lauste and find that bloody place. Aaaaergh miksi asioista tehdään niin vaikeita.

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2003

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 14, 2003

My sister is a grazy son of a bitch-ah! (and her cute little classmates!)

All right.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 14, 2003

I wrote a letter to social secure office and ask can I borrow some money to get my table clean and start over. My life is great but money stuff are in chaos and Im going to lose my apartment in the matter of days if I cannot pay these bills and so on. I wonder what is wrong with me cause no-one takes me to work! Bohoo. But hurry hurry, gotta eat, shower and then run to city to 5pm. Im going to be late!

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 14, 2003

Last picture of film...me thru mirror. Took about few weeks ago.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 14, 2003

What a day - greatness and something very low that I burst to cry and never wanted to be alive...I tell you more later, just came home after Muste meeting, 3h of fighting and so on about stupid money thingies and so on, and oh how I hate everything political...now tea, change of clothing, something little to eat and sleep.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 14, 2003

torstaina, maaliskuuta 13, 2003

wrote 11.30am Played cello for one hour. Now my fingers are quite sore and its a bit painful to use keyboard. Heh. Im so inspirated about this weather! Search around pictures about last summer...

Me at Budabest May 2002. It was hot, 27 degrees almost everywhere everyday. Very strange intresting choir trip. Haha.

Me and Rh Blues Band. Market street at Kajaani. Loads of popula, I think it was hugest audience I've ever had. 1000<.

Me, Virpi and Aki (RH Blues Bands drummer) at Mikko&Merja's wedding, ciggie brake before serious blues act! ;)

Same event, same place. Party was held in beautiful place. Mikko's familys summercottage next to Nuasijärvi.

Not so happy face 8) Took this picture with Eka's digicam. We where having movie marathon after my long trip at the sea. I was tanned. Oh yeah, Loved that day.

Summer meeting for amateur astronomers Cygnus 2002. I've been skipping this great event for two years (shame on me) and now I didnt do so! Lovely 2days of staying awake, drinking alcohol and so much fun with friends you only see in Cygnus (or other amateur astronomer meetings) - they had to take picture to make others believe that I was really there. ;))

I was working as a chef at starcamp. I've been usually there just hanging around playing with kids, but not this year. Antero asked me to work there at Cygnus, I had one day to decide, I was grazy and said yes. But it was great fun even thought it was huge work also. 8days of cooking, cleaning, staying awake and getting your brains in pieces ;)) ah ah it was great. :)

Lavis was our van driver when we woke up at 4am at the morning to get food from stores. It took always forever and then we drive back like madmans and I started to cook. haha, what adventures we had. I start to feel sentimental :D Anyway, Antero (?) took this picture when where getting back from camp. We three cleaned and packed the whole thingie and headed back to Helsinki for party! Here we are on our way to byrå for serious drinking with other camp-leaders heheee...
What next summer will bring!?? Summerjob? New musical and experiences in that? Sea? Adventures at Kajaani? Father and Virpi's wedding? Gigs with Saga and B.o.M? I can hardly wait. Im sure this summer will not be as painful as last one. Yet it was the best summer i've ever really had. Sigh. Now - shower and food! (posted 1.05pm - on my way to cello lesson)

torstaina, maaliskuuta 13, 2003

Vieläkään ei vastauksen vastausta niiltä miljoonalta tyypiltä joilta pyysin töitä / oppisopimuspaikkaa. Hyvin turhauttavaa. Ja ahdistavaa. Sitten kukaan ei soita asiasta vaikka luvannut. Pitäisi itse tehdä ja etsiä näiden tyyppien joille lähetin niin niiden puhelinnumeron (vaikeaa sinäänsä kun jossain tapauksessa emailit oli manager@seraflajatämärafla.fi luokkaa) ja alkaa soitteleen perään, mutta ei ole edes saldoa. Lankaliittymästä kun ei kännyköihin voi soittaa, estot päällä nääsh. Nonni, kahvia.
4.pv without tobacco. Oh yeah.

torstaina, maaliskuuta 13, 2003

Good morning everyone! I havent been this sappy at the morning in ages! Good coffee, sun shine (my apartment is hot hot like in summer, I had to open windows to get some spring air in and winter schaisse out!) and bossanova. Soon I'll play a bit cello, cause I have a cello lesson today and stuff like that. I wonder where I could put my cello while I hang around the city - I have theather "Muste" meeting at Koulu 6pm and after it I think I'll go to meet Epa. She's at home after 6pm, so before that I cannot throw my cello there (Epa's place is kindergarden for intruments) ... HUm hum hum. Great things I need to decide. ;) Last night I mostly watched telly, did the dishes and put my bookshelfs to in new order! Then I read LoTR for few hours and falled asleep very quickly. Slept quite well, woke up few times when sun was shining so bright that I had to check my alarm clock to make sure that Im not late. Gaah - Im Hungry! I ate some sausage, salad, "raejuusto" and pinapple last night but now I feel like I havent got anything in my tummy in years! Ok - Now something to eat.

torstaina, maaliskuuta 13, 2003

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 12, 2003

What is wrong with me? What what? No response from restaurants and its been an week (one day over!) since I send first ones! Bohoo? Anyway, no nicorette today at all, I dont even need bubblegum. Gsus what a headache I got after being next to mum in a car when she was smoking. Window was open and still I got this headache. Nice day - sun shine and all. Senni is having influenza, I feel a bit weak and ill too, but mostly cause of lack of nicotine in my body! Ah how much I enjoyed to peek in the spring today. Sun felt warm on my cheeks. Oh! Bought two winered teamug and two grey noodle cup. Also new "lasta"!!! I've been seeing nightmares about the one I got here with me when I moved away from home and now I got (expensive) same kind of "lasta" that I got when I was working as a cleaner...Also one paperback and some candy. I got something from mum too - new carpet to toilet! Jolly.
Uh. This headache. Just came home, now something little to eat, dishes and sleep. Relaxing with LoTR and can of heineken. Aaah :)) I love to be an hedonist. Btw - Im going to start an springfast soon. Yesh! Paasto rokkaa.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 12, 2003

Tämän päivän aamukahvi irc'aus saldo huumoria:
NAISEN MAANTIEDETTÄ:
- Kun nainen on 18-20 v, hän on kuin Afrikka; puoliksi villi ja puoliksi kesytetty, luonnollisen kaunis hedelmällisine kumpuineen.
- Kun nainen on 21-30 v, hän on kuin Amerikka; hyvin kehittynyt ja ((Excess Flood))
MIEHEN MAANTIEDETTÄ:
- Kun mies on 15-70 v, hän on kuin Irak; mulkun hallitsema.
Heahahha. Funny.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 12, 2003

Its sunny outside and I just love <3 love this sunny weather! I've been waiting! Lalala! Woke up about an hour ago when AnniR called me. I dont even remember about what but she said that I have to tell to Epa that She called to me that she needs to talk with Epa. Eh? Then I got sms from Pirkko and she asked that could I meet her today, cause she needs someone to talk to...Damn I dont have saldo! Plan A wont work: I will not say it out loud in words cause it could crash me down. I dont go to Feenix tonight - no money. Bohoo. No Ola. No the Ark. Anyway...Plan B: Drink this cup of coffee, get myself ready, go to city, visit few second hand shops and then go to homehome for evening. Then later home and early to sleep. Yesh.
3th day without tobacco. Its easier now.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 12, 2003

Oh dear. Oh my oh my. What is wrong with me, I have to re-make everything look very psychedelic and colorful...even my boring gbook. I maybe try to get more text in it with these flashy colors...dunno. Sleep.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 12, 2003

I made a test at colorgenics and here are the results:
You seem to be trying to sweep aside the situations (and maybe the people) that you feel are standing in your way. You are impulsive and apt to follow these impulses seeking to be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way you hope to deaden the intensity of your conflicts, but your impulsive behavior is leading you to take some unnecessary risks. Back down a little and remember 'more haste - less speed'.
You are very talented, imaginative and sensitive but you are holding back as you do not really like going it 'on your own'. In preference you would like to team up with someone, someone with similar attributes as your own, to explore - to seek out and go perhaps 'where no other man has gone before'. It is the unusual that attracts you and which will give you a sense of excitement and adventure.
The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.
You feel that nobody really appreciates you and this is causing you considerable stress. You feel that you have to sublimate your emotions and this is depressing you no end. You feel that the only way you can resolve this untenable situation is to get away from it all and re-establish your own individuality. Co-operation is very important in your life, but this has not been forthcoming from anyone. No-one seems to care and it is because of this situation that you are finding it increasingly more difficult to let yourself go and as a result you are becoming more and more isolated and even, to some extent, introverted. You are displaying a touchy and an over sensitive personality. Trying to take on the whole world doesn't help - you need to relax.
Anxiety and a restless antagonism, as a result of unfulfilled emotional needs, have resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to overcome this by working and playing extremely hard - but at all times you have your future in mind. You are a worker and as a result of your inherent enthusiasm you cannot fail.
The fear that you may not be able to fulfill or realize all of your ambitions makes you work and play hard. The thought of being prevented from achieving the things you want leads you to play your part with frantic fervor.

Funny thing is that all the things that thingie says are quite me and true. Oh well. Drinking red wine, feeling extreme tiredness inside my body. Long long day behind. First of all I didnt sleep at all last night. My heart ran like grazy, I thought Im going to get an heart attack or something. I was covered by cold sweat and my sheets and pyjama was all wet. My eyes hurt and I wasnt able to move my head cause ache was so strong - all because the lack of nicotine. But now I've get over it, today have been a lot easier, havent been thinking about smoking (almost) at all, and just had two nicoret bubblegum in 24h. So two days without tobacco. Im proud. I was at apteekki, sat next to friend who smoked a lot and didnt even feel temptation.
I felt tired and shaky all day. Didnt slept more than one hour at night. Met Eka, Senni and Jussi at the city and we went to cup of coffee. Nice time. Then to post office for voting - we had terribly fun at the line. Gosh, we made a show. 8) Then a drooling of cool jewerly at Huitsin Nevada and Senni went to pick Tuomas up from hospital. I and Eka walked to Svante Rudolf where I called yesterday. I filled an aplication and at the same time I listen how one lady interviewed some younger woman at the next room. After they where done the lady come to take a aplication from me and started to chat with young boy who came to search for a job also. She told him that if you want to get a job, one have to come there and work for few hours. Others will check out is the one proper for the work in restaurant. Intresting part is that the guy said that "Omg, Im not going to do that!". Lady came to me, checked my aplication, didnt even talk with me more than few words and coldly said that "We'll call you". Yeah right. Im sick of this shit.
No response to my aplications I send week ago. Im sick of this shit too.
After svante rudolf we went to have cup of coffee at apteekki. Then I went to get some pinapple and candy from stockmann and ran to meeting at Koulu at 8pm.
It was such a bless to meet Hanna after long long time! It was such a joy to be together, three chicks again! Hurr we had fun! It was such a thrill to notice that Maija fit in perfectly and everything went very well and nicely. We heard about the plans, talked and laughed, decided da day for first rehersals and so on. It will be great and huge project. Acapella. For kids. Its major and attempt to get it work is burning inside...
Oh well. After meeting I came home, watched telly, ate candy too much and now lazying around listening music. I should do something in my life. Oh - sorry, I do a lot, but seems like it never takes me anywhere. Im tired of this shit. Also It seems that Im starting to repeat myself...

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 12, 2003

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 11, 2003

rrright on. Im out of phone saldo and no money to get new one, cause well...I get Kela money at friday or in next monday. I have 30e at my bank account. Gosh sweat is running on my skin when I think of all those bills I have and voice of my landlord when he woke me up tomorrow morning. I try to avoid thinking of it, but I cannot help it. I dont really know what to do, I even lose my night sleep cause of it. Damn theather what did you do to my life.

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 11, 2003

List3ning Rainbow. Ah. I just did a major work at the kitchen, now I'll re-arrange kitchen closets and then I deserve to get something to eat. A bit red wine also perhaps. Tomorrow is quite exiting one I can tell! First I'll meet Eka and then at 8pm first meeting of "Kantojen Valtakunta". First girls-get-together med Maija, Epa and Hanna! I've been missing Hanna so much! She's been so busy after musical and we've tried to meet few times but always something comes on our way. Woo! So one beer (we meet at koulu), talking and planning...Im very intrested how Maija will fit in our gang...I mean we've been together as Tipuchoir in last musical and knew from Tommy also. Now we've strong together and Maija comes from outside. (She's big name in Turku, hopefully we are good enough.) Sigh. Anyway - rock on! 24h from my last ciggie! Hurray me! My head is aching cause my body wants nicotine so badly, but harhar Im not givin' any! Whee.

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 11, 2003

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 10, 2003

King Crinsom's "talk to the wind" is making my heart race. Gaah.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 10, 2003

Good morning. Grey morning. Boring. What a wake up...I didnt hear my alarm clock but then phone started to scream. My landlord called me. Yippee...

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 10, 2003

Oh oh. Feeling extremely tired. Enjoy my lazy sunday and trying to get myself to bed ASAP. What to do tomorrow :
- Fill and post one paper to Kela.
- Post other thingies too, so I need to go to city to buy stamps.
- Clean this apartment (a big big project cause I will re-arrange my kitchen and bookshelfs)
- Cook something good (before that I have to do the dishes)
- Call to boat restaurant Svante Rudolf. They are looking people without summerjob.
- Play cello.
- Hang around and spend a jolly first day of rest of my life without tobacco. It will be tough, cause I love little sweet cigarettes and well...smoking. I love the sound of my zippo and how it relaz to have one ciggie when you feel like it. But! I need to be strong and change my way of thinking about that. Ha. Aaanyway, wathing Lina's portfolio and enjoying this monday morning feeling. Hopefully moneys from theather comes quickly. I think that I should get so much that Its enough to pay two rents at the same time. I need it cause I havent got money to pay last months rent and I should get next one paid in next friday. Also this huge pile of phonebills are waiting for a miracle and Im just waiting for a call from someone who says "Yeah, you got the place!" ...

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 10, 2003

Tomorrow I'll stop smoking. From the morning it will be the first thing I say to myself. I really need to protect my voice, its been getting worse since Putket Hehkuu musical. Gosh Im tired. I think I'll go back to watch telly and fall asleep while laughing to Servo and Yösydän.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 10, 2003

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 09, 2003

Kaikki nuoret tyypit tahtoo olla sekaisiiiin...
Whatta nighty! I'll tell you more about it later, just woke up about 30mins ago and watching telly. Best live gig I've been in ages!

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 09, 2003

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2003

I've spend all day, since I woke up, trying to build new layot to Tuulia's blog, but no can do. Blogger is screwing with me again, I think that it has some server problems again, but argh...it makes one very sad after hard work...

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2003

Btw - before I go to bed...
No response or what so ever from restaurants. Bah. Anyway, still waiting. Tomorrow Tuulia's bday party and then Tehosekoitin at Feenix. Woah! Nighty nite.

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2003

Wonderful night. El Patio's opening night - live music by everyone (Gonzales himself also of course) ... Funny thing was that I was extremely sure that Im going to a place where I dont know anyone and happy that I can be totally free - WRONG. It was like a night in Apteekki with live music and espanic style of room and drinks around you. I was so tired so I just drank glass of delicious (highly expensive) wine and one beer. End of the night was just relaxing at home. Now to sleep. My huge project with merry idea for Tuulia's blog will my sundays big work. Maybe something tomorrow. Now - sleep. Ah, Flamenco music around me all night - I was in heaven. Place with free stage. Im sure I'll be there sooner than I even know it by myself. Heh.

lauantaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2003

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 07, 2003

King Crimson coming to Finland. Goddamn I need to get money for ticket. Yes!

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 07, 2003

I'll tell you more about yesterday and night later on. Now I gotta cook. Feeling so weak that I'll past out in the matter of seconds. El Patio's opening tonight. Nicey.

perjantaina, maaliskuuta 07, 2003

torstaina, maaliskuuta 06, 2003

Now - to sleep. really.

torstaina, maaliskuuta 06, 2003

I've started to get the thing to pink and other bright colors...even my webpages are getting it on. Ha. Well "acid queen" look was on for over an year, so I thought after slight inspiration, that its time to something complitely different. Oh yes. White and bursting other colors and of course me looking quite sentimental. Oh my lord how is that fun? Check it out. http://snow-white.org/lore is new born!

torstaina, maaliskuuta 06, 2003

Old Bank, Mallaskukko, Hunter's Inn, Galax, Mocca, Hemingway's, Börs, Teini, Colorado, Boheme, Prima and few many others are bomb'ed by my email. Then Koulu, Erik Public House, Brygmans's (cannot find any information about that place...no email or what so ever.) are still waiting their email cause Im waiting for response from bigger leves to get contacts to restaurant managers ... So! I really truly wonder If there is no place in this bloody city for me. Ha!

Aaany-way...What a day! I slept so deeply that I didnt hear my alarm clock or phone at all at the morning. Even thought Mother and Senni tried to call me. I woke up at 15.30. Exact time for da meeting with Petrus at the city. Petrus called "Where in the earth are you?". Panic. Quick check of emails (no answers to my job aplications), shower and I was on my way to city. Late - Busted, but still. Met Petrus at the Cosmic, drank my morning coffee and then Petrus took me to Rax and we ate like we have never seen food before. Im still feeling so full that I could burst. Then he took me to The Cow for beer and chat. What a nice evening. I love him dearly. I went to Homehome, Mum drove me home, we chat for hour and then she left back home to sleep. I came to check emails (no response or what so ever to my job aplications) and and...send few new one. and...now Im going to make a cup of tea and get to bed. Tired tired tired. Havent been this tired in ages. You should see my eyes.

Tomorrow I'll hear about new acapella musical we'll plan (its quite possible!) for summer...and autumn perhaps also. Yay. At 2pm I'll meet Eka, cup of coffee and so on. Havent seen her in ages, so it will be blessing. Maybe meet with Tuulia also. At Friday I dont remember what I had at night but anyway...Planning to go to check out Pepe Gonzales new bar "El Patio" (opening) at evening with Ari. Turku has so much new places all the time. Also older ones so Im sure I'll get a place to work too. Goddamn!

Haa. I've been thinking about myself and my life a lot. Last two years have been quite a ride. Now I woke up to understand that Im not really knowing the real Lotta anymore. I've thought that things that have happend havent change me at all, but its not true. I've got edge and new features in me. I've forgive and forgot some things, healed many wounds and left things behind. I've lost the cold bitter thoughts. I've learn to ease the pain and grown from it.
I've said so many times to someone that "Dont get stuck on me.", "Dont fall in love with me", "You will never get along on my speed" ... Perhaps the thing is that I've been so lost. Rip myself to pieces and same time I've done that to others that have tried to get close to me. I woke up to realize that I really need to get to know Me better again. Im not that sick angsty black haired girl who was my mask for years. I've lost the look years ago, tried to lost that mentally also but in a way I failed. I've been healing myself for two years and now today I knew that now its done. Im ready to look myself from the mirror and ask that who am I? Who is the real me who comes from all that trash. I have this power inside me and Im learning to use it. I've come down back to my roots and I try to confirm myself that Its right what Im doing - music and all. Its the only thing Im sure about.
New friends. New way of doing music. New passion for cello. New eagerness to do my life to look/feel like me. New way of thinking. Im sorry about all the fuss I've made to many people. Im sorry I've treaded myself so badly. I have so much thoughts inside me now...I'll write more later, oki? Its so cold in this damn computer closet, hands are not workiiinnnggg....tea and sleep. Bless!

torstaina, maaliskuuta 06, 2003

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 05, 2003

Im going to make a fool of myself. I send one email to every place (to all email addyes I find. If I get no response, I start to call. To those places that didnt have email addy or what so ever...) and Im already terryfied about their reaction cause text was dull and dummy. I made myself total fool - but hey!!1 I did it. Now to sleep Zzzz.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 05, 2003

Wish me luck.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 05, 2003

Jälleen aamu saapui kauas tunteiden merelle
ja unestaan aallot herää taas
missä sä oot niin yksin
ootko unohtanut mut

Kaipuun jota tunnen tuntee vain se joka rakastaa
kanssasi näin päivän kirkkauden
kun mennyt oot kaikki häviää
vain kipu tämä jää

On rakkaus tulikuuma autiomaa
ja pitkät päivät tuskaa täynnä rakastaa
sun luo uudestaan
kai tulla mä saan

Oon valtameri kun mä sua rakastan
ja kuin mä tunnen sinun minuun virtaavan
mä voin unohtaa
on rakkaus tuskaa

Mä
En
Osaa
Elää
Ilman
Sua...

Listening Brazilian aeroplane. Last track is old famous bossanova song called "Oceano" and now in this record it has finnish lyrics and J.Karjalainen is singing...And its beautiful. Dark apartment. And - I cant get no sleep.

Went to bed early. Somewhere it hitted me so hard. My heart ran so fast that I felt the beat in my body and trought my bed. Thoughts keep running in my head and I didnt get myself calm down. I went to burn a ciggie after hour of panic. Wrote letter to Kirsikka. Went back to bed. Nothing. Plans I made while writing the letter keep hunting so I came here to finnish 'em - Write and application for work and apprenticeship contract to every goddamn restaurant/bar I know in Turku by name! I want to get rid of this feeling inside me. I have quite early wake up - but darkness, world asleep around me, scent of mint tea and bossanova as background music. Hum. Laters.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 05, 2003

I have this obsessive thought of taking tougue piercing. Its been inside my dreams for ages and now Its been rolling inside my head for three to four weeks. Hell. Why oh why its so expensive and why oh why these thoughts keep bothering me so much.

keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 05, 2003

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2003

Home. Day at home. Great day. Cello lesson etc...

Im feeling quite empty. I'll write more later at tonight. Uhuh leg is hurting and Im really going to rest for a moment. Day at city made me feel flu'ish again. *sneeze* Bah. Ah...saturday Im waiting for you - first Tuulia's bday thingie and then Tehosekoitin at Feenix. Going there with Senni! WOooaah! I've been waiting to see boys on stage for ages.
Tomorrow I'll meet Senni and Petrus. Nicey.

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2003

Something new at my pages again! 101 things that makes me happy!! I dont know where this inspiration to do this came from, but I've spend whole night on it and now I have to go to sleep...hell. Laters :)

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2003

Does anyone have free LJ code for me??? Please. *blink blink*

tiistaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2003

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2003

Äer äer äer äer...Wrote long nighty entry awhile ago and it disappeard somewhere. Im not going to really rewrite it again. Grr.
ANYWAY!
We will have studio session (again) at 15.3 and then (just heard!) wednesday 19.3.2003 SAGA gig at DownTown at the female voice night...Woo woo. Great. There is two another bands with us also. We are doing well, a loads of gigs we had in past 5months. We are strong and good friends together and everyone just waits for next time when we see. Im so exited in a way about the gig. Down town is not a superb place for saga (tiny stage) but new songs "the swell" and "weak" are somehow ready for audience.

I've been too weak to play. Im ashamed to go to my cello lesson tomorrow after week not playing anything. I havent take cello out from its box even once...heh. I hate myself for that. Now some red wine and relaxing. Sleep soon and another day. Hopefullu sunny one and no sneezing 24/7.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2003

Ah - I made delicious chicken salad and with it a heart melting glass of red wine. Tv is full of great entairment tonight - maria kallio and full metal jacket! 3th day home. I bought some candy too. Its nice to be nice for myself. Heh.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2003

New look! Gotta change something in my life, and I thought that I could use this inspiration burst which I got an hour ago to create new look for my whining journal. Yay. Anyway, got Brazilian Aeroplane cd by mail today. I've been waiting it like ages. Last week everyday I ran to postbox in every half an hour to check did it already arrive...Now its here. I've been fan for few years. I remember the first time I heard that band. It was nigth of arts. Warm end of summer night. I was walking around with my mother. First we went to see movie (Buena vista social club) at Teini's and then decided to walk by the river and enjoy the pulsating energy of that night. We heard music from Ribs. There they was playing. We just stood there, stared 'em and I was hypnoziced. We listen their whole set. Starry sky. What a night. After it we went to Aboa vetus ars nova yard, it was open...to drink few beers and have conversation about life. I remember that Nobody was still at Kajaani. He was just borned...I picked him in few weeks from that. But anyway, me and mother fell in love with that band straight away and went to see their next gig at next week from it at bossa. Bossa at was new then, just opened...Oh those days...How sentimental. Heheh. Now - shower. Then I need to do dishes. Korte possibly visits me tonight before he travels back to army base. Hurray! Im not going to leave this apartment today...I need this day of rest and Im ready to rock tomorrow...I have a cello lesson - been too sick so havent play anything at all. Shit. but Im sure Irma understand.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TUULIA!!!

King Crimson at Finlandia talo, 8.6.03 - 55e!! I've been having this huge sms war between my friends, we all want to go...but 55e...Im sure real Crimson is a whole different thing than "Red Lizard plays king crimson" even thought Makke is fabulous show man and so on...Grrr. Gotta get few money gigs and then collect money for this. Im a diiinooosaurrr....

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2003

Im awake. On my way to sleep. Feeling a bit better...After laughing to Servo's nightchat and sneezing all day. Not that much fever anymore. I know that everyone thinks that I should stay at home tomorrow, but I'll think about that then. These two days inside these damn walls have made me feel like I dont even want to get out anymore. Stress about Kela's money (they didnt give 'em at friday so I've been living without money for a week or so), rent which I havent paid still and another one I should pay in week...Heh. Head started to ache straight away when I started to think everything I left behind after first drop of fever came in to my system. Mind and soul is running wild, go go go never sleep do do do - and then body says "stop!!". Only way to get me steady nowadays. After musical I dropped on nothing and Im on it all the time. I try to find my way out from it, slowly slowly. Hopefully I get a call from Tuominen (or what ever his name was) about that Old bank's situation about getting me work there, perhaps. I tried to call him few times and even send him an sms but without any response. It is making me so neurvous.

Anyway, If Im feeling ok tomorrow I go to city to look for a new leather coat from little second hand stop which is next to apteekki. Ari promised to get me one. Well...heh, he have to. Grr.
Even a thought of "normal day with normal problems" makes my heart run and head ache cause of stress. What have I done to myself...

Anyway, gotta clean a bit and do the dishes no matter what. Visit at store also (hopefully I have money tomorrow - if not Im going to shoot someone) and get something to eat. .. ...

My pal is selling her motorbike!!! GOSH! This one!! Its light, its almost new and ideal for tiny woman like me...now I wonder...where in earth will I get 7000e ;)) *drool* Summer is arriving, all the people are getting their motorbikes on the road, my sister will go around with her pappatunturi (gee, Im jelouse. she's really my fathers little bird.) and I just have my mothers old bike (helkama from 70's. Its so full of rust that I spend my summerdays wondering when it will say byebye to me hehe) ... Oh these dreams.

I've been wondering. Things I want and need to do in this year.
• Learn how to sail a sailing boat.
• Visit gullkrona and other nice places at archipelago.
• Get a gig, demo and about 10 OWN songs for B.O.M
• Get an apprenticeship contract with some restaurant and work/study hard.
• Do something "new" with my hair.
• Enjoy helluva summer with my pals. Like last year. *sigh* Starcamp, Cygnus and all.
• Get on the stage with Rh Blues Band in many occasion as its possible.
• Get a new bow to my cello. Also exchange or so a new lighter bag.
• Sing "New York, New York" at Karaoke with my mother. Duo with choreograps and everything. Great fun.
• Get a new pair of jogging-shoes and start to run daily like I've dreamed for so long.
• Quit smoking.
• Get a new cat into my life.
• Get myself to dancing lessons. Tap-dancing, Tango or Salsa.
• Learn how to sing Flamenco music.
• Learn to play percussions - djembe.
• Get a loads of gigs with Saga and just enjoy the time with girls.
• Live inside the moment.
• Get my pure joy of living back again. Get back that impulsive high going Lotta who lived happily without worrying too much, like there is no tomorrow.
• Get money and spend it well.
• Adventure's with Epa in europa and north.
• Learn to keep my eyes open and not to afraid to get in to intresting and requiring projects
• Write
• Get my rollerskates out from a bag and learn how to brake on 'em. Sooo...I could really use blades without hurting myself all the time.
etc etc etc. NOW to sleep my dears. My nose is bleeding and Im sure I've sneezed my brains out. Nothing left and you can really see it. Ha. Lobotomy is that easy. *Atshuu* My nose hurts after this sneezing and blowing and sneezing. Heh. Winter wonderland. Wish me good night sleeps. Last time I placed my head on the pillow I spend whole night with messy feverish nightmares. So the story goes. Laters.

maanantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2003

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 02, 2003

I saw this movie yesterday:

Very nice. I can only say that Sally Potter is amazing woman. Movie remind me about my burning love for argentine tango. I must get myself to learn it. Uuuh. But not now - 24 at tv.

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 02, 2003

Im so depressed. Im so depressed. Im so goddamn depressed.

This fever makes me feel so down. Staring walls, reading books, watching tv. My phone made horrible peep all night long (Thanks Ismo) and today I heard that all the ppl I longed to meet where at bars last night. I have this book for Jakke and havent seen Johan in ages. Few hours ago Senni called that will I come to city tonight...So everyone are on the move when Im dropped down. I spend whole last week trying to meet everyone and get ppl on the move. I dont know what is going on in my head. This fever...gosh...Im sneezing my brains out and feeling awful. I wish I have a cat to cuddle.

Ok STOP WHINING LOTTA.
slept so long that I missed my change to visit at store and get some cola or so. GOSH. Now Im going to leave this computer. It makes me feel more gloomy...

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 02, 2003

Which Unwanted Sexual Gesture Are You?

Hahaha. OH GOD I feel terrible. My phone is making a *piip* noise all the time. Reason - I promised to have a great time out tonight but ... Which is good, I need this rest. I never rest before my body totally falls apart. I have 39 fever, Im sneezing my brains out, every part in my body hurts and I can bearly walk 'cause Im having such an headache. Cannot get no sleep, world is spinning around and its so cold.

I hate to be alone in the time like this. Gladly I spend all day at homehome where I got some medicines and cuddle our dog while feeling terrible.

Mumbo Jumbo 10years bday show opening kicked wildly last night! God I love those guys - what a great act and music. I enjoyed it 100% whole the time. Mother and Pentti where there with me and after it we went to Koulu. What a time we had. Laughed my head off. I've learn to love nights out with family. We are such and bunch of grazy ppl and we mock each others all the time and its so much fun. We have great sense of humor. Like my mother said - she havent had so much laugh in ages. Nice time. Started to feel a bit ill at the midnight but nice evening it was. I decided to go sleep at Epa's and at morning when I woke up I felt feverish and weak. Decided to go straight to Homehome. It was quite an mission cause I didnt got a ride there so I had to take a bus. I felt so afwul that I was sure Im going to past out, puke or everything at the same. Brrr...now - rest.

sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 02, 2003

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