perjantaina, tammikuuta 31, 2003

My personality is rated 35.What is yours?
Bohoo. Pepsi, tobacco (Im going to quit in the matter of days, also four or five of my friends from musical are doing so...I need to add myself to that group, but Im not really into that idea...graah) ... and making of "kronikka" for tomorrow. Started today and its been slow slow slow cause Im so extremely tired, and can you see whats the time is right now...shit. Anyway, slow nice day. Made few blues song ready for rehersals, had nice time at Saga rehersals, met mother for cup of coffee and so on. Lasagne for dinner and after that I've sat 7h front of the computer...fuck. I need to go to sleep, but Im not ready...my eyes hurts I've been having these little micraine kind of headaches lately, my neck is aching and I have horrible day tomorrow. Im already nervous. Last show of Putket Hehkuu, ever. My heart is already crying. They will film it and we will have huge audience. We dont even know how will everyone find a place in theather...Show and then some extreme party. Dunno, gotta take easily cause I have studio at saturday morning. Sigh. Goddamn I dont wanna lose all those great personalities from my world. Glad that Johan, Jaakko and Timo are added in my band, but but...Sigh. Jani the audioman, All the group of dancers, Teija and Kuukoira. Every fucking ppl I've work with for 4months now. My another family. Goddamn. I knew this day will arrive and now Im very achy about the fact that its almost over. I have to give my pink muff and suit away. Never ever wear that blonde wig and be a mage bimbo again. Never wear that shiny arabian uniform and dance like a sex goddess...No more neoswing baby, no more chickpower. No more bumbumshägälägä. This is a road without return...tie ilman paluuta. Haha. And now Im too emotional...its cold outside, Im extreme tired and ... off I go. Laters darlings.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 31, 2003

torstaina, tammikuuta 30, 2003

Nice night. Coffee with sistah Senni and movie with Epa. Then to listen Erik Valkama to Downtown. Bar had 2year bday today. When I went in after movie (half midnight something) everyone where boozed. Sigh. Even, JP owner and good friend of mine didnt serve my day with a chat. Just bloody yadiyaa about politics with ppl I suddenly have started to know and stuff like that. Mostly I just tried to keep my eyes on the stage and look busy. I drank three beers and had very extremely drunk people around me. So night was full of frusturation and in a way comical situations...Good band, nice time (most I was alone but then I met Sanna Mansikka band ppl like Erkka and Mäikkä and got very closely to know Super Trooper gang, which...well aint so very good thing I dont know haha), kicking ass blues and everything. Gladly Eki game and I got drive to home...now on my way to sleep, listening J.Leino and Its so cold and stormy outside...before the movie (LoTR part 2 again) I went to coffee with Senni to The Cow, which is nice place and chat for moment before she had to run to flamenco lesson...after it I drank my coffee slowly and wrote blues lyrics...patchetic maybe. I have two sorbitol songs coming out too, but those are pathetic also...could try something extremely cheering up stuff again, like our song "Cuba libre", but its quite hard to slow dark song...but maybe I try that idea to that sappy bossa...But hey, give me something cheering to write about ;) Goddamn...one day with real sunshine...This grey darkness, messy waterish weather is making me greasing a rope...Tomorrow Saga rehersals and then I go to listen classical music. Turku City Orchestra rok on...Busy day. At tomorrow night I should start to WORK. It had to be ready to saturday morning..."Kronikka" I mean...fuck hell, why does I always take these things to myself...

torstaina, tammikuuta 30, 2003

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 29, 2003

Quess what I did today - (its hard to type anything here cause of it hahaa) Played cello for 2h!! Im amazed. Dunno, yesterday it hit me that I really need to start play cello again - more more more practise. And now I played til my left hands fingers where so sore that it was hard to get anything nice out from my intrument. Tomorrow I'll have to play a bit too...Irma gave me jolly songs for homework. And most depressing bow practise stuff, which makes my neighbours love me. Glad that I dont own a cat, cause they could call police cause of cruelty to animal. Haha. Eh...
Yesterday I got J.Leino and the BluesKnights record from post office at last. When I went to studio and took it off from package...well cover was fine and no harm done but cd!! Full of scrathes ... done at cd printing I suppose. Last song was only which you could play without jumping and so on. Shit. Now I have to return it and pray that I get new one soon. Cause...its hard rocking kick ass blues record ever! With horns! Loads of horns! Woah. Million micro-orgasms and so on...Seems like I have to visit to post office today to get another (last one) J.Leino which they send me from Jyväskylä (expensive one, fuck - but you want it you got it...) and send this pressious back to Tampere, and O Lord give me another one. I already paid for it. Give me another one, soon.
maybe I should sip my coffee and start to get ready for city. I think I'll meet Senni there.
Hum. I wonder, should I go to DownTown today. It has birthday today and they open doors at 11pm - free, no tickets and so on. and what I've heard ... Erik Valkama and his band The sledge. I would love to go there, but not alone and I dont really have a loads of money for taxi, thought one of my pal can always drive me home if I call...but anyway, Epa didnt answer to my sms about coming with me. We'll see.
Aaah. We have a bluesband rehersals at sunday! Wooaah! Its important to get songs rolling before horns come along at 6.2...And I wanna get boys together soon as its possible! Ari come here tomorrow and we do another new song ready for rehersals. So two new one and few covers. Kick ass. Gotta make horn arrangement to that one also, but later, we have time. Woah. :)
Yadiyaa. Cold day, grey sky, windy. I wonder will I ever see a sun again...

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 29, 2003

Never throw me with link to onlineshop with japanese streetwear.../me drools.
Window shopping at 2am in the morning, front of computer with glass of good red wine. Thank god and I own visa and bloody hell, why in earth they never sell this stuff at Finland. I only dream. ;) This fluffy shirt. This über mega cute tshirt. this coolest stripe shirt I've seen. This awesome droolable star jacket., This coolest Marilyn Monroe (I collect all funky stuff with print of hers) bag. ... Hahha what a fun time. Last week I was at store (last tuesday before Sanna Mansikka rehersals) and my mum started to whine about me having no clock. I've tried to find one for years (I want special one I like, I will not wear it if its boring or something) and I found one from swatch few years ago but they dont deliver it to Finland (only by the website but duh?!) and they have expensive clocks. Also I-dont-need-battery-cause-you-move-so-much clocks with compass and stuff...But why? When I find a clock that I like, it takes a fortune to get one. Its more cheaper to look around and ask people "whats the time" or then just easily get a mobilephone 8) (it always rings when your late more than 15mins hahah - and also include watch, most of the models)...

Hahah. check out this pop-boutique t-shirts...baby blue t-shirt with print "get a life - hear the word of the lord" would be great one for me hahaha. (Im way too tired.)
They have been rolling one goddamn boring sappy dumdidaa song all over at Groove fm for 30mins! Im sure they have something wrong with their computers atm.
Now sleep. Sigh. What a fun of surfing my eyes sore....

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 29, 2003

Days have been so extremely busy. Weekend was so extremely - everything. Im still tired after it. Got a change to go to work for three days, but I had to (sad sad sad) say no, cause Im workless and if I do work for three days and get paid for it, Its not really clever - they take every penny away from my social security etc money. Goddamn, I wanna real job, walls start to fall down on me.

So so ... When was the last time I really wrote here? Dunno. I've been planning to come online every night after weekend but I just have been so tired and achy that I've been chilling out on the sofa taking little naps for days.
Yeah well - saturday. Two musical show and one Sanna Mansikka gig after it. I was tired as hell. Every drop of energy have disappeard from my body in musical. Before show two I was already feeling weak and slow. It was still the best acts ever. Goddamn what an energy and it rocked! I broke my ancle in first show but it didnt hurt a lot at the end of the day. Change of clothes, kebab for lunch and two cups of coffee and I was ready to rock at shadows. When I jumped to stage everything changed - I didnt know where all that power and joy came, but goddamn what a gig. I felt like my cheeks fall apart from my face, I had so much fun. After it we partied Sirre's (keyboardist) 30's bday and you can very well know that it took whole end of the night and early morning. Sunday afternoon at home I ate something and got myself very ready for Apteekki's 10years party. Weather was horrible and my mother picked me up from home and drove me to city. In sundays I only have change to take a bus to city once in 1½hours. Free drinks for 3h and I was so tired and I only drank few. One glass of redwine lasted for 3h. 5mugs of coffee and beer, shitchat and great laughs with friends I had there - at 23 o'clock I went to downtown to see Tuulia's band in Bandstand. I was home at 3am. Slept whole monday (almost), went to meet Heidi to city. We went to eat to Rosso, both of us wanted frechfries and chicken and that we get. It was delicious and salty - just what I wanted, even thought I was death tired and could fall down to sleep in any minute. Heidi came over to my place and we had peaceful hanging around time 'til she left after nine. Then I falled asleep. Woke up later and went back to sleep after 2am. Today I woke up very early but went back to bed for nap before cello lesson. Saw horrible nightmare which never ended! It was something really awful. I thought I woke up but I just opened my eyes for second and dream started again. It was so realistic that I thought it was true. I woke up when I tried to puke (cause in my dream I woke up at very same moment to realize that my apartment is full of my friends puke), but I woke up in my dream and thought that I really _woke up_. But then I answered to my mobile phone and heard one of the Apteekki's bartender calling me and was too tired to talk with him...I woke up again and realized that I didnt even have phone at my hand but I woke up again - in my dream...and it went along all the way for 15mins or so until I got my eyes really open and myself away from that circle of dreams. Funny thing was that I was conciously aware, that I was dreaming and tried to get myself awake for whole time and messed up the line between dream and reality. Bloody hell I was ready to die happily when I woke up.
Had nice cello lesson, good intresting new songs - Irma promised to give me jazz next time! Ha :))
After it serious composing for hours. I took a new part of my life - trying to compose horn arres for blues music (trumphet, tenor and baritone saxophone)...well got some really nice stuff, kicking ass. Glad for Ari's computer programme, I could have never got myself note anything down. After it came home after 11pm and spend like 30mins for arrangeing rehersals to bluesomatic but (I want to shoot Ari sometimes - when you put kid to do something, at the end you have to take care of every fucking thing!) sunday didnt fit cause Jaakko is at Lahti (grr) and William in Helsinki (and Ari forgot to ask this before we got everyone to get sunday free for rehersals!!! - Im going to shoot him.) ... Soooo then I had to ask from everyone that what about thuesday? noo..."Thursday perhaps?" - "Well, it could fit but but I have work for 8pm and yadiyaa." So, after few silent roar I got to know that William is aware for rehersals at 6.2 - at 6pm. We are going to move 'm to 8pm which I wish that will do fine for him...Everyone else are fine with 8pm (and that day, thank god!!) - except ... Goddamn I feel terrible. Johan got next Sunday free cause of our rehersals. He could have spend time with her daughter whole day, and now its too late. He didnt answered anymore for my questions about next week, I hope he isnt angry (its not because of me!!), but I felt very bitch when I had to say that we dont have rehersals. I would loved to have one too! I hate that it always goes to another day and to another week cause boys are so fucking busy all the time. I have a horrible week and weekend ahead but still I would have loved to go and have great time at sunday jamming around ... (I have studio with Saga at the morning to afternoon, gotta hate it.) Now I feel terrible for him (and a bit depressed about the fact that I have to wait for so so long to get band together!!)...
Sigh.
Its like having a kindergarden around you, being in touch with busy musicians. There aint a day when I dont give a thought to realization that I am doing what I promised now to do ever in my life - being and artist or musician. I got sick of it while growing up in musician family. But now only thing I really know that I can do in my life is to do music. Everything else is fooling around (but I want to do everything else, still. Ha.) ... Mmm...Now, the good book is humming in my bed and getting me back to read it. God I wish it never ends but I only have 30pages left. Bohoo.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 29, 2003

tiistaina, tammikuuta 28, 2003

Sue me, a survey again. Gaah.

DESCRIBE YOUR
Wallet – black, plastic and a bit broken. All the coins are at the bottom of my bag.
Jewelry worn daily - Depends. I use to wear golden elephant for luck and now I wear fish I got from Epa, but not daily.
Pillow cover - Red, soft, adorable.
Blanket - at winter times I have three. One wool one, one regular one and fleeze one.
Coffee cup/mug – Purple/pink/Lilac mickey mouse mug I bought from Disney Store - Firenze. Wallace&Grommit mug with penguine is always on use also.
Sunglasses – I love glasses and I collect 'em. favorite ones are beige golden 70's style or huge black ones.
Shoes – dr martensens I wanna. Usually wearing something, favorites died after starcamp last year. Sigh.
Favorite shirt - Yellow jumper atm. Also pink polo top I got last week (3e!) and my love&anarchy film festival tshirt which I try not to wear too often. Its so cute.
Cologne/Perfume - Jean-Paul Caultrier Classique or Fragile.
Music - Soundtrack of today: J.Leino and the blues knights, Gjallarhorn and Björk.
Tattoos – none - yet.
Piercings – navel.
What you are wearing now – bright yellow jumper, black skirt and striped kneehighsocks with hundrets of colors!!
Hair – Messy. it was under a hat all day.
Makeup – mascara and that's about it.

WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)
In my head – Notes. Spend all day with cello and composing stuff for horn section. Mind is blurred.
Wishing – i wasnt spending tonight alone - GAAAAAAAAAH.
After this - Gonna take a glass of wine, look around and do something. Sleep possibly, long day I had. and weekend. ZZzz
Eating - Nothing. *drool* Hungry I am and my fridge is all empty.
If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason – President of USA. Quess why. ;)
Person you wish you could see right now – Many friends I think, wonder or miss...
Is next to you - Pile of bills which I should pay with a miracle.
Some of your favorite movies – battle royale, kabhie kushi kabhie kham, dancer in the dark...
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month: Work perhaps. New experience with music.
The last thing you ate – bad horrible microwave pizza quicly at the studio. Got a tummy ache.
Something that you are deathly afraid of – n/a - cannot get anything to my mind what I could be afraid of...
Do you like candles - very much so
Do you like hot wax – Ha.
Do you like incense – a lot.
Do you like the taste of blood - yes and no.
Do you believe in love - i guess so.
Do you believe in soul mates – yes.
Do you believe in love at first sight – Cannot say, maybe in a way.
Do you believe in Heaven – Hey, its my middle name.
Do you believe in forgiveness – very much so.
What do you want done with your body when you die – i have a donor card - and after it, burn me and send my dust to journey with wind.
Who is your worst enemy – time.
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – hamster from "spirited away". irl a cat of course.
What is the latest you've ever stayed up – 4days.
Ever been to Belgium – eh? no.
Can you eat with chopsticks - yes.
What's your favorite coin – 1c cause we dont have those.
What are 6 cities you wouldn't mind relocating to: Tokyo, Rekjavik, Florence, Krakova, Köpenhamn, Stockholm...
What are some of your favorite pick out foods - Chinese or huge pizza.
What's something that you wish people would understand – That Im not trying to be anything that Im not .
What's something you wish you could understand better – Swedish. Ha.
Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time – Malla.

So what I said earlier, Sue me, a survey again.

tiistaina, tammikuuta 28, 2003

maanantaina, tammikuuta 27, 2003

Death tired. I fall asleep in sec always if I sit down somewhere. Lazy slow day at home. Soon serious sleeping. Tomorrow cello lesson and I meet Ari and we do horns to few songs...ZZZZZzzzzzzz

maanantaina, tammikuuta 27, 2003

I wanna Livejournal account. God what a day. Morning efter, even thought I didnt really drink yesterday (but I was awake - that was too much, drank a loads of coffee and tried to not fall asleep - thought the day) ... now horrible tiredness and all. Snower and then I go to city to buy some paper, glue and pick up Heidi. I also wanna buy chinese food. Im hungry.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 27, 2003

Im so goddamn tired. these past few days have been hell...not really hell hell but...gosh. Zzzz.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 27, 2003

lauantaina, tammikuuta 25, 2003

Horrible day ahead.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 25, 2003

perjantaina, tammikuuta 24, 2003

I have no slightles Idea how im going to survive trhought this weekend. Tomorrow I know that after sanna mansikka gig we are going to party Sirre's bday and I have like 35e in my bank account. They called me from Sossu and said that I get money nextweek. I've spend a fortune to food at this weekend. Hahha, shame on me, but sometimes I love to eat well...not just fucking pasta all the time. ok hurry Lotta you're going to be late soon...so off I go to put some theather make up (and end of it I'll draw on at Marina) ... and waiting for lift! wooh. show must go o-o-oon...

perjantaina, tammikuuta 24, 2003

I have no words to describe the emotion which came on me when I woke up and realized that its sunny! Sun is shining! I've been longing for sun for days, maybe even weeks...I didnt know anything about winter depression before I moved to Turku. Today show. Hurray. My body whines to get on the stage to dance dance dance.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 24, 2003

If I go to sleep now, I'll wake up early, do that bluesomatic thingie and send it to Ari, get myself at shower and to show. Korte aint coming again, Jere's car is broken so I need a ride. Which means - gotta leave at (before) 4pm if I want to be at makeup on time. Tired I am. Some noodles I will cook now and then some extra ZZZZZZZZZzzz. Long day I had. Horrible stressing weekend ahead. Bankaccount is screaming emptiness after paying some bills and I didnt get sosso-money today. Maybe tomorrow (I mean today - its already friday)...*praying* Gosh, I wish I get a job. Im so eager to do ANYTHING.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 24, 2003

torstaina, tammikuuta 23, 2003

Im so excited about Bluesomatic. Here is a picture from our first gig. Dunno...its going to change totally, after getting horns behind me, own songs and so on. Blues, rhythm 'n blues and old soul classics. Also few songs which Im going to turn into blues like "sinua sinua rakastan"...I look a bit tired in this picture.

Sigh. this neck and back ache is killing me. Also I havent got time to sleep, so I have a loads of dreams I should enjoy soon, in big deals!
What a day. I almost didnt woke up to alarm! It was shouting like a madman...I dreamed that something was keeping helluva noise and then I woke up to realize that it was my mobilephone's alarm clock. Sigh. Got up and coulnt get myself wakey wakey rise and shine even with 3 cups of dark dark black bad coffee. Weather was awful. wetsnow came down from sky and everything was grey. While I was sitting at bus and driving to city I prayed to get to see some sun, but no. There is no God. Felt tired, falled asleep at bustrip several times. Got a hair cut. Felt sappy. Met Senni. Went to drank two cups of coffee at Apteekki, even thought it didnt made me any fresher, just shaky. Met Heidi there too and we went to second-hand shop towards Apteekki at another side of the street...I found it! Which I've dreamed for so long! Old leather bag. Simple, beige, big. Coolest! Yesh! And only 15e. I've tried to get one for ages and I was so on to one that I almost bought new one (I was getting one but tried to think about after finding out that new one cost like 80-140e.) ... Yesh! Then met Petrus at cosmic. Had cup of coffee, again. Then we went to the cow, tho check that place out and well...its very cool. I liked it a lot. Got a beer, good chat and laugh. I've been missing Petrus a lot. After spending about an hour at the cow, we went to ruokavarasto to get some food for me and then at my place. He left after 9pm. Then some extreme cooking (bah :P) and hanging around. Now Bo Kasper orkester, glass of good red wine and trying to relax. I was planning to make my homepages all night long, but Im too tired. Back, neck and arms are aching so I need a sleep. Off I go. Thanks Senni for these extreme cool scans! Oh dear, its raining. I just Luv Turku's winter *sarcasm*.

torstaina, tammikuuta 23, 2003

At my homewarming party. I look quite amazed about something. Maybe its flashlight hehe.

torstaina, tammikuuta 23, 2003

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 22, 2003

At november. Senni took picture when we where partying our bday at Apteekki. Do I look cool with my bowler hat or what? Ha.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 22, 2003

Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 22, 2003

I just hate. I mean - I REALLY DO HATE - this kind of weather. Urgh.
Having haircut in matter of hours. Yay. Then I go to get something to eat, meet Petrus at 16.00, then home to do things with this huge inspiration of mine (I have to clean this apartment and after it I sit front of the computer) ... Gotta remember to buy a bottle of pepsi for night. Ok, hurry Lotta!

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 22, 2003

Lond day behind. gotta go to sleep. hehehehe. Too tired so Im laughing my brains off to this kind off links: difference between male & female orgasm...heahahha

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 22, 2003

tiistaina, tammikuuta 21, 2003

How can weather be more depressing?

tiistaina, tammikuuta 21, 2003

Windy, warm and grey. Todays weather. Kick ass. - Not. Cup of light morning coffee, I forgot to get more coffee yesterday...But I think I can live with this. Im going to play some cello soon and then shower and to city. Gotta be at Music school at 15.30 something. Then few hours of hanging around 'til Sanna Mansikka rehersals at 20.30 something. Booring. What the earth Im going to do with that cello. Epa promised that I can throw it to her place, but just before the rehersals. My back is already aching even thought I havent even touched cellopack in ages. Heheh. Argh. Hopefully I dont fall cause roads are so slippery...

tiistaina, tammikuuta 21, 2003

Cooking macaroni. Days filled with Pasta and paska. Hhehehe.

Oh well, wearing screaming yellow collegeshirt and same color pair of wool socks and trying to test color therapy. Dunno about how its working. Aah...God how much I love this apartment. Now I have a huge pile of ice on my heart cause I afraid that Im losing it. I cannot pay my rent. Hopefully soon, but all my money situations are in chaos and *Im not going to think about it cause then my tummy start to ache cause of panic and its not nice*! But! I send a few aplicatins to some places around and got a very merry answer almost right away. Im not really giving any big thoughts, but if I get an appointment for next week and some chat about is there any change for apprenticeship contract - Its a lot to me to even get a change for meeting. Yesh! Happy. Yes! Sappy.
met Hanna at apteekki for cup of coffee tonight. Before I spend a loads of my phone for calling to Dad and Virpi. I miss them so much and it was nice to spend too much time on phone with 'em. But so what, if it makes me feel better and so on, why worry. Then I got an invitation to Apteekki's 10year birthday party. We'll see about that then. Nicey anyway :)
Its slippery and stormy. Last week it was raining and warm. Now a bit colder so its all icy and today its been snowing so its almost an suicide to go around walking. I really can tell...after trying to hurry to bus stop with walking slow as a 80 year old granny...Hehehhe.
Tzädämn...Now some action cooking - pasta and ketchup (asere he ha he...) and then I come here to instal some new programmes to computer and listen some denki groove! Woo!

tiistaina, tammikuuta 21, 2003

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

I miss summer.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

Last night (well, at morning) I said to myself: "Stop whining". So...Today I send emails around and now I really try to get a job/study place. Hurray. Wish me luck, I think Im going to need it.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

Went to sleep after 8am. Got up after 3pm. Neck is aching so much that I can hardly move my head. Its snow storm outside. Yay? Monday bloody monday.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

Me at "Putket Hehkuu" opening night party about few months ago. Took a picture of myself with Tuulia's camera. Expression on my face is quite hilarious. "What did you say mister?" ;)

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

cannot get no sleep. Filled stupid surveys again. Tired. Maybe I go to read a book. I know that if I open it I'll read it all night 'til morning. I also could install new programmes into this bloody computer but too tired of it. It needs time. Im lazy to sit on the computer nowadays. This room is like a fridge so its not really comfy.

Dear Santa. I didnt make any wishlist for Xmas. It is too late now?
-Digital camera (Im going slightly mad, I wanna take pictures and create!!11 Now I know why Im so goddamn frustrated all the time - I've stopped writing, creating, paiting and photographing)
-Scanner
-Win pot at lottery, hehe.
-Rise cup (I have nothing where I could eat...only flat plates. No cereals at morning)
-This month rent *LOL*
-Happy home return from Nobody. *sniff*
-Own LJ.
-"Learn to speak almost native swedish over night"-course. ;))

Hahhaha Im too tired. Half serious. Or then, whadda ya know. Its full moon (not anymore, really), I've been in strange mood for past few weeks and I just would love to dig a hole and disappear. go to meditate to artic hill Viipus. Heahhah.
I just need a fucking big hug and somethink where to replace my frustration. I think too much. which leads to = worry too much. Which ends to = I panic too much.

I dont have enough papers to get a proper job and Im goddamn tired to being cleaner. I've lost a faith to fight for future.

Trier's Epidemic was fab. He was young and handsome. Oh yesh. I had a huge crush on him when I was a loooooot younger. I was his fanatic fan. (No, Im not like that anymore - honestly! *blink blink*)
Oh yesh - Survey. I know, kill me - but you just cannot deny that it aint a good way to use nights when you cannot sleep for filling this crap?

// series one
---> Name: lotta-mailis karoliina rytkönen
---> Birth date: 3th november
---> Birthplace: hämeenlinna, finland
---> Current Location: turku/åbo, finland
---> Eye Color: green grey blue
---> Hair Color: different brown shades on blonde
---> Righty or Lefty: righty
---> Zodiac Sign: scorpio
---> Innie or Outtie: both

// series two - describe
---> Your heritage: "savolainen". Ha. finnish, some russian I think
---> The shoes you wore today: black boots
---> Your hair: lotta-style. duh
---> Your eyes: sore ---> Your weakness?: music, books, everything silly, cameras, eye wear

---> Your fears: dentists.
---> Your perfect pizza: peach, blue cheese, CHEESE, fresh tomatoes, asparagus, chicken.
---> One thing you'd like to achieve: one day in this month with steady harmony with myself.

// series three - what is
---> Your most overused phrase online: "terse", "mitä mies/dooris?" and swear words ;)
---> Your thoughts first waking up: feeling extremely tired but felt joy when seeing sun rays on the wall behind half closed eyes
---> The first feature you notice in the opposite (or same) sex: substance.
---> Your best physical features: n/a? Im petite = compact.
---> Your usual bedtime: 1-4 in the morning.
---> Your greatest accomplishment: started the music again.
---> Your best memory: not easy to say just one. latest is from last summer and swamp soccer worldcup blues gig I had. Woah.

// series four - do you
---> Smoke: a bit. getting rid of it.
---> Cuss: heah.
---> Sing well: its all I can do well.
---> Take a shower everyday: usually.
---> Want to go to college: no.
---> Like high school: cannot remember. from time to time.
---> Want to get married: n/a. ATM not really.
---> Type with your fingers on the right keys: yesh.
---> Believe in yourself: sometimes. usually a lot. now - fifty fifty.
---> Get motion sickness: never. well...when I've spend ages on the sea and get back on country - then.
---> Think you're attractive: sometimes. but I dont like to be attractive - honestly. not that I hate myself of anything, I just dont think that its a big deal.
---> Think you're a health freak: hahah. I wish.
---> Like thunderstorms: I love 'em.
---> Play an instrument: piano from notes, guitar a bit, cello a bit more and my own voice quite well.

// series five - in the past month, did/have you
---> Drank alcohol: *staring a glass of wine next to keyboard* Eeeh well...
---> Smoke(d): yea.
---> Done a drug: no way.
---> Made Out: -
---> Gone on a date: no.
---> Gone to the mall?: hum...well walked throught few times.
---> Been on stage: A lot.
---> Been dumped: by myself yes. I throw myself out from myself daily. ;)
---> Gone skating: Noup :/ I wish.
---> Made homemade cookiess: Noup :/
---> Been in love: Dunno. Im in love all the time with everything. now I dont really know. I feel nothing all the time, except when Im on the stage.
---> Gone skinny dipping: noup.
---> Dyed your hair: Im waiting for miracle, win of lottery and then I go to cut and dye my hair.
---> Stolen anything: this quiz.

// series six - have you ever?
---> Played a game that required removal of clothing?: Heahha. strip poker at new year party at Epa's. Heahha.
---> If so, was it mixed company: I could say than messed up heahahha.
---> Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: eh.
---> Been caught "doing something": like what? dunno.
---> Been called a tease: yes. :PPP
---> Gotten beaten up: yes.
---> Shoplifted: no.
---> If so, did you get caught: -
---> Changed who you were to fit in: maybe.

// series seven - the future
---> Age you hope to be married: 25. ha. dunno. never.
---> Numbers and Names of Children: few.
---> Describe your Dream Wedding: huge jamming all night long with musician friends & relatives.
---> What age do you want to die: haha.
---> What country would you most like to visit: japan, australia, new-zealand, iceland, poland and danmark. also portugaly, spain, china, chile...eh...
---> Current Clothes: black turtle neck t-shirt, black skirt, black tights and black cardigan. color of the day?
---> Current Mood: neutral.
---> Current Taste: los llanos 1998 red wine.
---> Current Hair: messy.
---> Current Annoyance: long lasted frustration of myself and my life. It has nothing to do with depression, so dont worry.
---> Current Smell: parfume.
---> Current thing you ought to be doing: get to bed and sleep forever.
---> Current Desktop Picture: galaxy m101.
---> Current Favorite bands: the boxers hahaha. bo kasper orchestra, j.leino & the bluesguys, Roy Cox & BluesKnights...
---> Current Book: Kundera
---> Current DVD In Player: no dvd, no vcr...
---> Current Worry: havent paid my rent, money, future (studies, life and getting a job)...tiredness of my own.
---> Current Crush: lars von trier

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

Gjallarhorn oli upea. Sinäänsä, oli jännittävää huomata tajuavansa ruotsia (kyllä laulajatar ja didgen soittaja höpisivät joka väliin suomea, aina paikoitellen.) ... Ja jopa käyttävänsä sitä. Tönäisee jotain, niin kah sitä huomaa sanovansa sujuvasti mitään sitä sen kummemmin ajattellen että "förlåt". Ehkä se oli se ruotsalaisen teatterin svenska talar-meininki, tai sitten olen valaistunut. Ei sentään, kyllähän sitä kieltä löytyy subjektiivisesta muistista vaikka muille jakaa, mutta kun pitäisi kuultua kieltä alkaa kääntämään suomeksi tai puhumaan sitä itse niin ei. Jag kan inte tala svenska men jag kan förstå.
Im too tired to write in english tonight.
Or am I. Anyway, I really need to learn how to speak swedish. I love that language in some way (and its easy way to learn how to speak danish, which is my main goal, of course.) and I need it. I try to forget my antipation for swedish and get myself to use it. Wish me luck.
What a weekend. Too tired to write anything. Tomorrow I need to rest and play cello. Gotta get this tummy flu away from me and then rock for ever! Stay young and beautiful everyone.

maanantaina, tammikuuta 20, 2003

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 19, 2003

Sun was shining at the morning. Still feeling weak and achy but tonight is a pure glory (hopefully) cause Im going to see Gjallarhorn live on the stage!! :)) Now some morning coffee and brakefast...Gotta do something at night, that letter to social secure office or something. Im so tired that I could sleep for weeks. Im planning to spend a evening front of the computer playing with new great programmes and chatting with friends online who I truly miss...

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 19, 2003

lauantaina, tammikuuta 18, 2003

Best show ever. I feel terrible. My hands are shaking, I feel so weak that I fear that I'll pass out in any minute. Tummy is aching a lot and every muscle in my body is having pain. I had to skip Skywings tonight. Walls are feeling heavy around me and after that kind of show its depressing to sit at home, even thought I have to cause Im ill. Gaah. Saturday, bloody saturday.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 18, 2003

Sigh. Tired as helllll...today to shows and then after it seems like Im going to go to see Skywings gig. Tummy aint that achy anymore, but noodles that I ate last night didnt really make me feel better. Urgh.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 18, 2003

Im so goddamn sick of my life. Im so tired and so on that I cannot get anything done. Well show tonight was fab, even thought Korte was at army and Petri Rajala did his part. Kela is messing up again, and I didnt get my money today. I dont have a cent in my pocket atm (believe or now), 11e in my bank account but I cannot get it out cause we dont have 10e in cash machines. Im hungry. Im deathtired. Im a bit depressed (whis goddamn south Finland winter - every dark thought is because of that.) ... and nothing in my life aint working. Whine whine whine again. But really, no money for rent, tried to get a place to work - nothing. Hurray. Sometimes you just feel so tired after doing so much work and you dont get any money from it and still you try to find a real job that you just dont STAND it anymore...tummy is still achy. Gammel Dansk helped a bit but I ran to toilet all night. Im a bit weak and sometimes I even feel like I have a bit temperature / fever but oh well...Its me. Im always going on 100% ;)
Now to sleep. No more whining for today. I enjoy everything around me, but just some things in life pisses me off too much and makes me blue. Bohoo. ;) Nighty nite everyone. :*

lauantaina, tammikuuta 18, 2003

perjantaina, tammikuuta 17, 2003

Gotta say it again: Oh god Im tired.
Happy. CCD camera is arriving to Tursa's observatory in matter of weeks. Yesh. Everything is going so well now - we own Kevola, we have new jolly telescope and soon CCD camera and laptop. Nothing can hold us anymore.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 17, 2003

I saw a dream about new computer. First I should get a new monitor...but these things seems to burst on my face in the middle of hurry. Ha. I dont count on anything that its made by human. Still, I miss those days when everything was so easy and little...my 386. Hahah, guys! What have world done to us?

perjantaina, tammikuuta 17, 2003

What a beautiful day!! Like spring. Goddamn Im tired. Lotta, never go to apteekki in the middle of the week, right? Anyway, add in mobile backpage is looking jolly good. We have snow today without Korte. Sigh.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 17, 2003

torstaina, tammikuuta 16, 2003

I decided to go sleep early. Like now. Still feeling a bit ill - weak mostly. Gotta wake up early tomorrow to play cello and if I have time before lesson I try to clean this apartment a bit. After cello lesson I go to homehome to watch movie with mum and she'll drive me home later. Then I try to write that bloody thingie to my socialworker. *Yawn* I've been reading a loads of books. Two Vares book in a week. Better than boring tv series on telly. Nighty nite.

torstaina, tammikuuta 16, 2003

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 15, 2003

is this goddamn turku winter. I forgot how it always makes me melankolic when I get angry that why Im not at north. I forgot that while there was a loads of snow and minus degrees. now winter, dark and icy. Sigh.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 15, 2003

Walls are starting to get down on me here. I dont have ciggarets and store is closet. Nearest place to get some is at LitsaPub I think, but Im too eh...in shy mood to go in that horrible place hahaha. It could be nice to sit down, drink one beer with some friend, but I dont know anyone who could come here with me. Everyone live so far away at Turku and dont have car or what so ever. Sometimes this plan of mine to move here just to get away from rush and get my own peace is ironic cause from time to time I truly wish to have friend or few nearer...

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 15, 2003

A little cheer up's for grey day - trying to clean apartment. Went out with three plasticbags full of garbage, bough fairy and now Im ready to hit to dishes. While I was at store Jani (who takes care of musicals audio systems) called me. First two lines where quite funny;
Me: *answering* Kerro.
Jani: Pää leviää.
We chatted about ten minutes and as usually whined how boring life is when there is no work (shows). Yes yes. Now -> dishes.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 15, 2003

x_x
Wakey wakey rise and shine! Good morning Finlaaand. Huomenta suomi hyvin pyyhkii trallalalaaa...
Its grey. -5 degrees celcius. Yesterday was horrible snowstorm at afternoon. By night it was just windy and rainy. Waterish rain wich made roads icy and slippery. Few days ago it was -20 and yesterday it was +2 degrees from time to time. Winter wonderland this country is, I must say.

Yesterday was full of tummy ache and lame feelings. Everything I ate came straight out. Toilet was a bestfriend of mine. I felt shaky and weak 'til night when first slide of bread didnt came out straight away. I went to shower and hurried to city to meet Senni. I also met Heidi and together we went around Stockman and "oH look this is so nice" and so on. Girlish. After it (even thought my bank account is empty and I had some little money) we went at Torre to have something to eat. It was Heidi's idea. Our plan was to get childs meal but waitress said that its K12. Ha. I had tummy ache and so on and didnt want anything that could make my tummy messy again. I was feeling extremely weak and über extremely hungry. I ate like a Queen. Wow, everything was delicious and juicy....uuh...but :P Long minus was that I used 18e (not even much) to one goddamn meal! It was still great, I started to think about money long after I got home. We had nice chat and great event while having a yummy meal. I go out to eat with friends not too often anymore. Its great. It always need time. No hurry. Just relax and enjoy social space around you.
Then I went to have coffee to Apteekki, which put my tummy totally messed up. Met Jere who drove me home. Spend night in toilet. Got to sleep. Tried to woke up at 11am put got myself from the bed at 12 something. Feeling extremely tired. Gotta clean this apartment. Heidi is visiting me today and giving me some REIKI. I should play cello too, but we'll see do I have time. I have cellolesson tomorrow after all these months and I havent got any time to play it. And it was at repairs for weeks, Im not even sure will it stay on tune if I start to play. It wont. :P
I also should write a letter and so on to social welfare office, but ... we'll see. Blahoo. Ok - Laters.

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 15, 2003

1. When were you born: November 3th
2. Where were you born: Hämeenlinna / Finland
3. What was your first grade teacher's name: Mrs Litmanen or something, goddamn I dont really remember!
4. What was your first pets name and what was it: A dog called Sessu was in da house few months before my birth.
5. What was your worst accident (medical): Head went to pieces 98-. Nothing serious ever before that, even thought I was 10days at hospital cause of my leg when I was younger...
6. What was your favorite cartoon: Everything! Disney's old classical flicks and also Looney Tones and old anime I used to watch. Sigh. I wish I could remember all those titles.
7. Who was your first best friend: Senni, my identical twinsister, she came to be my pal 1minute after I saw a light first time.
8. When was the first time you ever went on a plane: When I was something like 12 or so, I went to Kajaani. Wow.
9. Who was your first boyfriend: Ha. Boy named Jukka when I lived in Iisalmi. We played all days and I thought that will get married when we grown up. Ha.
10. What was your favorite song when you were in the 5th grade: Everything from Queen. And Phantom of the opera musical was a big hit for me then.
11. What was your favorite movie in the 2nd grade: Disneys cartoons I think. I also loved to watch James Bond movies.
12. What did you want to be when you grew up: Blues singer, actor, movie director, female Indian Jones kind of archeologist, Ninja, Musician...
13. What used to be your favorite color: Red.
14. What was your favorite subject: music, arts.
15. Did you ever wet your pants at school: No.
16. Did you ever get sent to the principal: Heheh...
17. Did you ever start a food fight: Nope. :/
18. What was your worst fear: War.
19. What was your favorite toy: Lotta-Pupu.
20. Did you ever suck your thumb: No.

Present
21. What time is it: 2:44am
22. What's the date: 15.1.2003
23. What grade are you in: at high level in school of life. Ha. ;)
24. Who is your best friend: I have a group of friends that are great part of my heart.
25. What is your favorite movie: Too many. At the moment best thing I've seen in ages are Avalon, Kabhi Kushi Kabhie Kham and Fausto 5.0...
26. What is your favorite song: atm Roy Cox and the Blues Knights : Road to freedom.
27. Do you have any pets: No. I have a heartache cause of losing my cat.
28. If so what are their names: Nobody.
29. What was your favorite subject in school: lunch brakes.
30. What color of hair do you have: Blond with mixed shades or browns - nougat, mocca and beige...
31. What kind of music do you listen to: Everything.
32. Do you still watch cartoons: Oh yes.
33. What is your favorite TV show: 24 is quite interesting. I dont watch tv almost at all nowadays.
34. Do you get online often: Usually daily. When Im busy I still try to check emails at nights.
35. What's your worst fear: I really had to think about this question and I realized that I dont really fear anything. Maybe mostly just that I dont want to lose touch with myself. Dunno. Weird feeling.
36. What's your favorite color: Black, All shades of red, Petrol green, pink etc. I have something with browns now...I have started to used it and beige first time of my life!
37. What state do you live in: Haha. Scandinavia ;)
38. Do you have a b/f g/f: n/a
39. What's your favorite type of food: Everything my father cooks, Sushi, Chiken foods...etc. I love everything delicius!
40. Do you drive: I wish.

Future
41. What do you want to be when you grow up: I'll never grow up. Well, really - I want to be me.
42. Do you want to go to college: -
43. Do you want to get married: Cannot say.
44. If so at what age... if not why: We'll see.
45. Do you want to have kids: Yes.
46. What kind of car do you want: Opel kapital, Volvo amatson, chevy or oldsmobile! Dunno. Car I can drive with. Like fiat 157.
47. At what age do you think you'll live to be: Too young or then when Im rrreeeaaallly old.
48. Where do you want to live when you're 35: Where I feel most comfy to be. Next to sea. Or then at north. or then at another country. We'll see.
49. What movie do you want to see next Saturday night: Spider, LoTR - two towers again, spirited away again would be great also...
50. What time do you think you will go to bed when you're 70 (if you plan to live that long): I think I'll be at bed at midnight or around one something. Hah.
51. Do you think you will have the same friends as you do now: Im sure that most ppl that Im close with will stay at my life. I do hope so.
52. Do you think everyone will be jealous of you at your 10th high school reunion: I cannot really say...
53. Do you want to be president of the U.S.: Never.
54. Do you want to walk on the moon: Of course.
55. Do you want to be famous: Not really.
56. What kind of housing do you want to live in: In huge open room beach house or atelje flat with huge windows. Dunno.
57. What color do you think your hair will be when you're 50: Blonde or silver.
58. Do you think you will still have the same personality when you're 60: I'll be more Lotta at 60 than ever!

I have a tummy flu. Good way to spend brakes between running at toilet is filling up silly survey. Oh yesh. Ok - Sleep. I'll tell more about my day tomorrow!

keskiviikkona, tammikuuta 15, 2003

tiistaina, tammikuuta 14, 2003

Wrote this text at 4.36am. Blogger didnt work at then so I saved it later. I'll put it online now...later then.
Its horrible to realise that I dont have any money. I've been so busy and tired to think anything that I could realize that I really have to do something about it. today I tried to take a touch with many job place but Im not really looking anything "yay" from those. Blahoo. tired as hell. could sleep for ever. In a way depressed. Good gig but we didnt win. I knew it, audience loved us, we got over twenty voice, winner got 8. But they were been together got 7years and they where something "rok". My own and bands price for tonight where that we realized that DOWNTOWN have never been so quiet than tonight...It was amazing. I almost bursted in tears or something. Great gig. Got a lot of fans...best thing what I heard was from winner band drummers wife after our gig: "I love you!! goddamn you are so fucking great!! Im sorry that I have to vote Humboogie cause my husband is drummer in it"...haha. Gggreeeat.

But anyway. I've been so full of this theather stuff that I havent had time to play cello or live. Hopefully now something is happening. Yeah I have no money, Im empty as hell, havent got time or courage to send a letter to social secure office and...well KELA money will arrive in week. I have to pay rent tomorrow. TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!! I really need a job. A life. A thing to do and be proud of. A thing that I could pay my own goddamn rent in time every month. These goddamn phonebills and travel tickets makes my life hell.

JA SÄHKÖ. HAISTAKAA KETTU SUOMEN PAKKASET. TAI TURUN VESIPULA. HA.

Whine whine whine. I try to do something about this situation all the time, but it feels but no one wants be to work in their place or what so ever...makes me depressed. Im tired of my life. Im tired of being me sometimes. You might think why. Try to be my personality for one week and you know why. I wonder why I dont crease a rope for day to another...;)

tiistaina, tammikuuta 14, 2003

maanantaina, tammikuuta 13, 2003

Oh well. Nice weather outside. few minus degrees. Otherwise sunny. Thought sun is already setting. Which is dull. Already tummy achy and shaky cause of tonights BandStand thingie. Shit. And tired. Maybe cup of coffee and a bit reading of book and then shower - ready for rock baby! I just ate yummy pasta dinner and have done a lot of work in past few days. Last night I made a backpage to mobile mag which is the best way to get your thing to everyones lips. Our musical bough whole last page. Hurray. Tired I am and had a good sleep, but then suprisingly at 10am my phone start to rang. Old friend (old school friend Bella) called from Helsinki...We talked about an hour, havent met her in ages and I miss her so! It was nicest suprise in ages...But now that coffee. Yes. Im going to look HOT tonight and have a greeeeat gig! Hurray!

maanantaina, tammikuuta 13, 2003

TURKU BAND STAND today at DownTown 21.00-> Saga will be there! Come and cheer as to winners!!

maanantaina, tammikuuta 13, 2003

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 12, 2003

These are the mornings when I say: "I just bearly stand my life" or "Why in earth I cannot sleep forever?"...Im on my way to sleep. Drank something little at the bar but met my sister...after it a quick lunch at Neste gas-station and then home. I feel tired, great show we did tonight, but Im just goddamn sick of this life I have. No...friends I have and ppl I've love are great. Just some things that come with life and I hate. Come with this kind of life that I have. I wonder - why in earth every goddamn punk-rocker teenager has fantasy about cool earth kick'ing rock 'n roll life, cause after all - its just a shit. I've born to family with musician. I've grown up in musician family in studio and etc...I've grown apart from it when my parents devorsed and now - Im a musician and artist myself. Sometimes I realise that in life the only thing I can really do is sing and do music. Its an gift and joy but also I feel numb. I try to put this all in words after all these days and nights of thinking about it, and I just dont find a right way to put it down. Patchetic maybe, dont know. Good morning everyone. Nighty night for me.

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 12, 2003

lauantaina, tammikuuta 11, 2003

Its snowing. Im tired.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 11, 2003

Im bored with everything. too tired to say. Best pal after years going to army. Sniff.Had party cause of that. feeling tired. Migraine. anyway...now sleep. Im a bit dizzy...after two "minttu snapsi" and last one Eero dropped from the table (full one. costed 4.20e but not for me haha)...Tomorrow another show. more stress. I saw posters and flyers I send to prind yesterday and Im proud...I heard That Tuire bought LAST page from Mobile for putket hehkuu and I have deadline in sunday. Tomorrow I have show. In sunday I plenty of do...movie with sister (MAYBE...sorry Senni, again. Im a bad abd dab person, rehersals with Saga cause we have Turku BandStand gig in monday and aand) aaand...I just want to sleep. sleep. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Tomorrow more.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 11, 2003

perjantaina, tammikuuta 10, 2003

Woo! I got sorb-i-tol's new material (to new songs which I can write inspiration is turned on and I feel woo woo woo) and 4songs which we put in Flight Ep - its out soon! Goddamn it sounds good. Yeah baby! Show today, Im tired having a slight headache still, but so what...show must go on baby!

perjantaina, tammikuuta 10, 2003

What a day. Migraine is fadeing away, cooked delicious meal and slept for few hours before it. watched Kubric's 2001 and now Im feeling like going to sleep after finishing one Vares book...I just have 10pages left. Tomorrow I'll sleep til I feel sappy and alive (hope I get rid of this headache. Usually it goes on and on for days when I get it. Its like merry-go-round...first just some ache and then later you feel like you can hardly walk)...cause I have show tomorrow. Its friday ahead, but I have show in saturday too and Im not really into going social and baar now. I wonder. Maybe its cause I feel a bit sick. Well we'll see...

perjantaina, tammikuuta 10, 2003

BOHOO. One of my dreamcastle just crashed down. Might sound stupid but I just read that Roy Cox and the BluesKnights are no longer togerher...they are closing up their webpage and now selling all they records away, and they will never release another and this is the last change to get any before every piece is gone. BOHOO. I dreamed to see the band on stage someday. This band have been on my cd player (almost) everyday for 1½year. Every best thing in life fades away so fast.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 10, 2003

torstaina, tammikuuta 09, 2003

Oh forgot to mention, but Senni took a great pile of pictures. I saw 'em yesterday and soon she'll scan those so watch out for ass kicking pictures! Im sure she'll scan starcamp pictures also at same. But these are black'n white from my homewarming party, from our birthday night out, from nights out and from Saga and Sanna Mansikka gigs. Also few great Blues gig picture of me. Yeah rock on!

torstaina, tammikuuta 09, 2003

Drinking morning coffee, listening blues, wearing too much clothes and glows cause without 'em I will turn to ice cube in my computer room. Sun is shining and Im haveing a slight migraine for 2th day. Yesterday was horrible, but nothing about it now...

Oh got a sms from Eric that he's uncle now for little girlie called Mia. Wow! Concratulations...

I just love this song. Dead or Alive. Goddamn I just feel so alive while listening this kind of music.

So much things to do and Im all dumb. I dont know why. I have this feeling in my body (i've got it about for week now) that Im getting a flu or such. I have to post things and stuff to sosial secure office (its late for weeks) but I just cannot make myself do that. I have so much to do, even clean this goddamn chaos from my apartment. I've been avoiding it for 3months! Wake up Lotta and start to live.
Now its time for getting a place to work and study. Schools are advertising 'emselfs and soon you have to return aplications. Lucky if you are, you're in. But I never will be. < whine > Cause I dont have high school papers, I'll never get in Turku academy of arts or such or university. Maybe I just fill my another dream, get myself as bartender (expert to wines, wiskeys and such) and maybe later on cook...cause well...I need to get a real JOB and way to get money for living. At the same time I'll do music.< / whine > Tadah. What a grand plan.

torstaina, tammikuuta 09, 2003

tiistaina, tammikuuta 07, 2003

Again - long long day which I didnt even spend. Woke up at 4pm. Saw a dream about sleeping too long and when I opened my eyes it was already dark. Swearing. Went to sleep around 6am cause I just couldnt put one book down. I had so much to do today but I think I'll do those things at night. My apartment is chaos, dishes at kitchen are starting to feel like mountain everest and dust makes this place like sahara. And its cold like in siperia. Where do we need traveling when you can create same kind of thing in your own apartment, all you need is to be extremely lazy (and busy). Ok...dance rehersals at Marina 18.30, which means Im in hurry. Laters.

tiistaina, tammikuuta 07, 2003

Oh yesh, days in studio. I've lost a time of space and time. Im tired but still I dont feel like sleeping. Reading, feeling cold (I need a fire place or something to keep this goddamn place warm!!1) and shivering...dishes to do, things to do...Im thinking about life a lot nowadays. (Watch out, she's become world most biggest humanitst haha) People I meet, people I have in my everyday life, people I've left behind. My own situation I have right now...Which Im very Ok with, even thought I whine from time to time (put that on melancholy or something) and even thought Im stressed about musical (not the musical, but about the things I have to do which are not related to work I do in stage like ads, handprogrammes, posters, flyers and so on...) and...oh well...ppl.

Oh well, goddamn rockings songs! I've never dreamed of really doing own blues songs, but when I got a change I was in heaven - creating something from my backspine and heart, singing my voice away and melodies just came out from my mouth like I've had them inside me forever. Woah. Im proud of myself. Im sad that I cannot put silly versions of those online right now. I just want everyone to hear 'em!...Or maybe now heheh...

Its cold in here, computer room with stone walls and no heating system...Im sure this room has like 10 degrees or something and no wonder that I feel like ice cube...I've become allergic to cold. Summer, I know that I didnt love you so much when I was younger and full of agony but now...could you come back? Soon? You know, I truly miss warm dark nights when roads glittered after rain...everything smelled so fresh and you just wanted to go on the riverside and humm all those songs which painted the feeling alive on your soul.
Ok. Stop whining Lotta.
- Sure sure. Good night everyone.

tiistaina, tammikuuta 07, 2003

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 05, 2003

Goddamn we made grreat piece of blues songs. Woo.

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 05, 2003

Havent got anything done. In monday then I think. I just coulndt work in this goddamn icy closet more than 4h...Im on my way to sleep, reading old texts I found and trying to gather some text for tomorrow.

Front of everyone
She in the blue coat
Foaming moat
Grey eyes
Shaggy hair
and hands so cold

She live consciously elsewhere
Savely
Warm trob is her smile
Like a color burst on black & white
but so much She scares
everything outsider
Always hided behind herself
and now She's wanting to find a reason to
take a peek over her shoulder
-
She have foundly built
Suffocate holes from wind
Heart made of stone
Castle with many rooms
-
Everything felt so totally endless
Alone She went even thought...
She cannot see no end
-
Fear of human
Is a fear of death
Her love is overestimated
Endless beat and rhythm
Her smile is dropping
Contrary to nature
-
She's so lost
Heart made of stone
Casttle with many rooms
and No-one who would pass a kompass
-
Have you ever walked in the dark, eyes shut?
And you didnt noticed difference
'till you found matches?

Sick piece of brains I've been three years ago. Oh well...its cold and I should be sleeping already. Listening Roy Cox and the bluesknights while drinking waterish red wine. Im starting to learn positive thinking...just 6months to summer! Woo...

sunnuntaina, tammikuuta 05, 2003

lauantaina, tammikuuta 04, 2003

Im doing windowshopping online ;)
Drool, Drool!
Why does they dont sell this shit in Finland ever?

lauantaina, tammikuuta 04, 2003

Why does so many people say that I've changed? And most stupid thing I've heard is that it must be that I dont have red hair anymore...Haha.
Im more me than ever. Im just turning pages and finding blank pages which I have to fill with something. I start to know what I want. I start to heal all those scarfs I've got inside myself and to other persons. I've forgot so much. I've been so scared and thought that it is like this in life. I've use to it since child, to be scared, that I didnt think that something is wrong. One year, best time of my life, still so fucked up. Best adventures, best days, best everything. And also one of the most darkest things I've ever gone through...I try to put this all in a paper but its too personal. but its only way for me to do music - be totally open. Nothing but open. I close my eyes and feel my heart running and I just sing.
I wonder what is my power? What is this thing in my that drags so much people around me? I've started to thing that is my work in life to make loads of people happy and full of same power that I have?...But I always forget myself. As much I forget myself, when I start to be myself again everyone else get "what the fuck is wrong with Lotta?"...Haha. Oh well...Gotta start to do some work, cup of coffee and Jazz.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 04, 2003

Tired as hell. Woke up at 4pm when my mum called. Realized that nearest groserystore was already closed and I didnt have any food. Gladly Mum helped and brought some bread and coffee. I should work all day. Its already dark. Its almost 18.00. I dont have any inspiration. I think I'll finish work at sunday and send everything to printing at monday morning. Im really too tired and having a huge lag of inspiration. Its freezing outside and inside here too. My hands are cold as ice and even using this keyboard is hell cause my hands are moving so slowly...
and Im so tired. Tomorrow we have all day project (sunday and monday afternoon) with Ari. Making songs for our blues band. I have some text but I hate 'em. I havent got anything real done in ages.
And when I remembered that I have that composing-camp with him, I realized that I really have to do all those works today or never...well not much just last pages from handprogramme (have to change show days), totally new poster (this sucks) and flyer. Shoot me, Im tired I want to sleep forever and cook something yummy.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 04, 2003

Im turning to look like an ice cube. -25 degrees with sea wind. Even a week in north with -32 or so never felt this freezing like now. Its the sea. God damn. My apartment needs a fireplace or something...Im burning 10 candless and drinking tea and I feel like I never get this ice melted away from my body...bohoo...But hey, friends in Finland - Just 6months and we get summer back, dont ya worry. *Getting a gun and shooting my brains to the wall* ;))
Seriously, I like winter, but how much you can stand THIS kind of it? No snow, really. In north there was a loads of it...And...sea breeze is like hell. In summer I cannot live without it anymore but In winter I only which that Im back at "home"...
I came back few days ago. Xmas is over (thank god), new year is here (Im sure that in may I still write 2002 in every paper I get under my nose), gigs are behind (rest.), Musical is starting soon (no more rest in month.) and well...life, you know. Haste. In a way Im glad to be here again, but it takes a week or so to get use to live in little apartment and "big city". I cannot put it in words. I have love/hate relationship for both places, but...Anyway, I think I'll write more about it later, cause its 5am at the morning and I have works to do tomorrow...friday, bloody friday. Three blankets, tea and book...then sleep and I'll be a whole new person tomorrow (today) morning.

lauantaina, tammikuuta 04, 2003

perjantaina, tammikuuta 03, 2003

Im baa-aack.

perjantaina, tammikuuta 03, 2003

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