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lauantaina, maaliskuuta 31, 2001
Trallalaa. Im at my mothers work place...I help her with her work. In saturday...sigh. Its raining today...Im a bit stressed about everything. One minus thing in my life is this horrible headache Im having all the time. In thursday and friday it was most horrible. yesterday I was at observatory, cause one reporter came to do article about it...
BAAH. Soon home. I have to watch two movies for school aplications so after we're ready (I copy papers and files and stuff...very important ;)) Im going to movie rent place and get em. Nobody is alone home. Internet connection over here is fab and VERY fast. Yay. I want to get computer like this to home...and also internet connection like this...ooh ooooh.
Ready or not here I go.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 31, 2001
torstaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2001
Hum. Somekind of celtic astrology...so Where did I fall from?
MAPLE TREE (Independent) - no ordinary person, full of imagination
and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud,
self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has
many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love
life, wants to impress.
Cute.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2001
Im sad. Im sadsadsad.
Wanna know why? Ok read this:
PIZZICATO FIVE NO ALIVE
Mad Japanese band call it a day...
26.mar.01
After over 15 years together, Japanese glam techno bleep bloop bad-ass pop band Pizzicato 5 have split.
According to reports in Japanese newspapers, founder members Konishi Yasuharu and Nomiya Maki will dissolve their partnership and the band will be no more as of March 31st. A best of compilation titiled Pizzicato Five R.I.P. Big Hits & Jet Lags is expected in May, and the band play a final farewell gig in Shibuya, Tokyo ("Don't Cry. No Tears, No Fears/ Comin' Your Way: Pizzicato Five 1985-2001 Live") on their final day together.
No reason has been given for the split, and both Konishi and Nomiya intend to "help each other out" on their respective solo projects.
I dont have theyre best records. Its so hard to get 'em from finland...
And now I've lost my only dream to see them live someday. Together.
Theyre my rolemodel in music scene. Sigh.
Well that's life?
torstaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2001
Oh I just got mail from ali]...Yay Im always over top too happy when I get email or meil from him. Nobody is having wild groove again and his running all over the place all the time. I've played cello all day. I slept and spend time lying in bed with headache. I got up, made some coffee, watched Kikujiro (I love you Takeshi Kitano) had few (eh...) tears and burst of happiness, went to balcony breath some spring air, watched how airoplains flyed in the sky and then I blow some soapbubbles and started to play cello. My step-father came home and put me to do dishes and then I played some more cello. Then I watched oscars and here I am.
My week is running fast. Too many things to do no time. My fathers girlfriend called me that I HAVE to come to Kajaani soon cause yes theyre moving, yes I have to get my tattoo and YES I have to go to interview for summerjob. Its always 80% sure that I'll get that place. Yay. like 1½months there, about 9000FIM for myself and spend time around ppl I love...Eeek...Im running our of time! I need to do school aplications, I havnet even started, cause Im in stress and it takes out from my inspiration. I also need to do one song ready soon for sorb-i-tol promo and...then I meet Petrus tomorrow, I come home to meet Senni and maybe go to her place and spend night there and...I also have meeting at 19.00 with photoproject and Im not sure am I able to go there...Also in friday I should meet Mesmer (one band I maybe join as singer...eek) folks, sing theyre songs which I dont really know well yet, meet everyone and be social sappy person, then I should go to find cello, get money for new glasses (I have this headache all the time cause I cannot see anything anymore with these and it makes my eyes grazy. Its horrible to play cello cause I cannot see notes!! but its not a problem so much cause I usually just have fun and improvise and Im sure fellows in other apartments in this flat just love it...) and and and...yes I should start to make those aplications, I should do hundret things, search for job and such. But I think I can make it. I wonder that should I say no to mesmer, I love theyre music and I like that group a lot...I mean, I might go to Kajaani for summer, if they have gigs Im not able to join them and practise and such. I have a lot of questions about everything right now...
where are my friends when I need them most? Im sure that no one even reads this...I need theyre voices in the phone, I've been out from the IRC cause I dont want to see text It makes me sick right now and hehe maybe somehow I test ppl. No...
The thing is...Is my social life only IRC, if I stop ircking no one cares about me anymore, no one cares about my life and totally ignore me?
Goddamn I hope my saldo opens soon. I somehow scare that some of my friends are angry to me about something I dont know cause I havent heard about anyone in long time. I just got response If I send the sms. Im poor one to write mails or letter under huge stress when I SHOULD write other things which I dont do cause I dont have any inspiration...ahahah...
This is the point in my life when everything changes. Everyone moves in other places, I dont know where Im going to be in next autumn, I dont know about summer, my phone bill is so huge and I dont have money so I had to stop ircking for awhile, I dont have inspiration when I need it most, my cat is growing and I need to go to petdoctor and let them to cut his balls and make him cat-eunuch...LOL...Poor Nobody.
Im cruel. Nobody could have sex but Im going to let them cut his balls away. No catgirl will ever want him. Maybe I should go and make myself eunuch also and then we could join in circus...and make a bit money. Yay. Then I could make Successed Documentary about 'How to life without sexuality'...ahahahha...And then I get and oscar and I cry on the stage and speak finnish and english and 'Oh thank you GOD I dont believe in...thank you NOBODY who made me believe in this choice of living!!' Then orchestra play beautiful music as I walk thru the strage smiling and crying and everyone cheers and stand up to clap theyre hands and watch me and think 'I want to be just like her and Nobody'...
mm...
Ok...Im way too tired.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 29, 2001
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 25, 2001
Hey, I got like MAJOR idea...why dont you...(who ever you are that reads my never ending babling) write something into my guestbook!! Oh save me from my boredom...
Pretty night.
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 25, 2001
Aww IM SO tired. How can single person have that much of stuff?! Senni is now happily in her new place at centre of the city of Turku. There was only me, her boyfriend and Pentti helping her so I had to be the one of the strong guys and my sensitive tiny hands are achy now...Im feeling nicey, weather is great!! City was full of cars and people walking around under the warm spring sun. It started to wind when we arrived home, but all day I just wair shirt and wool sweather. Its clear sky, birds are singing...aah...and usually I woke up at 4pm in sundays. now Pentti forced me to get up at 9am, I drank cup of coffee fast and then hurried to get another car, then to Senni's place...
Now I have whole beautiful day to do something. Plan is this...I take fast nap, then I watch tv, then I play some cello and then I start to write aplication thingies for schools...
And that's what I call A plan. ne?
Ooh btw...there's been somekind of conversation about having sorb songs in radio playinlist. Theyve asked to get some. I give my full agreenment about it, but now I start to get neurvous...everyone are able to listen my voice...hear my thoughts...its like everyone are allowed to read my private diary, its almost same. Sigh. Mum said that just dont think about it. I try not to think about it. I do my best. trallalaaa Nobody is cute. I should feed him now...yes, other things to think about...yes, Im hungry also...I should cook...yes...I'll cook. Yes...
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 25, 2001
I feel terrible. Well I had good day until...stupid fight for stupid reason.
cause of me my mum dont talk to my step-father, and theyre sleeping in
other rooms right now. Im totally alone, feeling so horrible. My
mind cannot stand shouting or fighting. I always get this panic attack
kind of feeling and I cry and try not to hear anything. I start to scare
everything that goes around me. I dont have saldo in my mobile phone,
I cannot go to my sisters place cause her boyfriend is spending night there.
I said no when friend asked me will I join them to have observatory night
at Kevola...now it is too late to go, no car to use...and weather is
perfect.
This is same like I had when I was little while my parents where getting
divorse. It was like this 5 years in my life. I think I got somekind of
trauma from it and I've become to be peace loving person. I almost
get panic attacks if some one yells around me. My mother always says
that its so good when my sister and her bf are having a fight that they
talk it over before they go to sleep. And now mum and pentti dont talk
to each others...mum was out with the dog over 2 hours, then she came
in, and didnt even talk to me. I feel like little child, I get flashbacks
from childhood and I feel so lonely. I scare to be here all alone, tv
is open, I've took dog and cat to my room, all lights are turned on...
...
This hurts me.
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 25, 2001
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2001
why to be radical if there is nothing to be radical about?
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2001
Im back from observatory. Gaah it was grazy night. like over 100ppl visited there and...My hands was full of work. I miss S7L and Janne. I think that those ppl dont even think about me ever. I dont have saldo so I cannot call them or send sms. Im so alone here at home right now. Ppl are sleeping, Senni is in some party and sends me sms about how fun everything is and which bar she's into right now. Like 10min ago I was laughing while reading old marks from 'observatory's guestbook' ahahha...Then I started to feel stressed cause ppl run around asking about planets and sky, with one hand I took money when ppl arrived in, with other hand I took money from ppl who where leaving and wanted to buy astronomy posters and such. It was damn cold. Its a bit foggy so we go to Kevola tomorrow maybe, if its any better weather. I feel tired, Im not any tired at all...GAAH. Someone cheer me up.
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2001
One little girl at bus stop screamed to her mother: 'THAT girl looks like Pippi!!'...thanks.
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2001
Yay. CLEAN NIGHT! That means that soon I go to observatory and at night...PLUTO hunting trip to our country side observatory...YAY...
Ooh Im tired.
Tihih...Friend of mine mailed me this link where I could find mine past life diagnosis:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Greece around the year 1025. Your profession was that of a monk (nun), bee-keeper or lone gunman.
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Such people are always involved with all new. You have always loved changes, especially in art, music, cooking.
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
The world is full of ill and lonely people. You should help those, who are less fortunate than you are.
Do you remember now?
HarHar...
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 23, 2001
torstaina, maaliskuuta 22, 2001
Last blog I wrote last night, then my computer tilted and...I really wonder how it went online. Oh well miracles happen every day, huh?
Today Im going to larp cafe after 19.00. Nicey. Today I also got some peek to those pictures we took for scifi project last week. Heheheee...I can hardly wait to see more. I mean, pictures that are ready...
I have 100 things to do today...Im not stressed but yes I dont know where to start and cause of that, My inspiration which I should have NOW I cannot get anything in my head. Im going to help Senni tomorrow with her make up...she's going to one huge bday party where she and her bf are invited. So my job is to make her look great. Also tomorrow, if its clear, where going to go to hunt Pluto in our countryside observatory. Maybe also in saturday. Never know. Eka said that she could come in friday, not in saturday cause her friend is going to come over in saturday-sunday. I want to meet him too...some german bloke called Lars. In sunday Im going to help Senni to move in her new apartment. Oh news news...Senni and Tuomas maybe move in together after summer. Theyre both talking about it all the time. Sigh. Its snowing. And I was so used to sunshine and feeling that yay its spring. No can do.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 22, 2001
This week is almost over again.
I live days and I dont remember today what I did yesterday. I just go thru weeks and I never remember what I've done. I live this moment and I always forgot everything right away. I should stand up on my feets and DO something. GAAH. The thing is that everyone just bable and push me and Im under a huge pressure...that's make me totally robotlike human being...I have to find the strainght to do things from myself, but I dont have anything. I think this is the first time of my life I could need someone gently hug me and just...be there for me. But...Well that's life. Hahaa. Ooh. Water, Im addicted to water...
Yesterday when I was on my way to my cello lesson, sitting in the bus I saw a girl. Every week when I catch that same bus, same time, in the same bus stop every time is huge group of kids and theyre 'teachers' and they fill every room in that bus with theyre laughter. I think theyre from english/finnish kindergarden and always on theyre way to somewhere. Anyway...they speak english and finnish. 4-6years old boys and girls. One older female teacher asked from one little cute princess chibi kawaii girl 'Hey Sanna, what's your going to be when your grown up?'...that girl looked around with her big blue eyes and slowly her face turned in smile. She knew what to answer and with wise tune in her voice she smiled: 'Im going to be pretty'. Oooooh. I just love those kids. They always stare my cello and want to know what it is...
Nobody is sleeping on my keyboard...almost. Gaah. I think he's trying to say that c'mon girrlie come to sleep before I'll byte ya...So...Bless.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 22, 2001
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 21, 2001
Oh what a great day. I woke up, clean places, spend time reading magazines and then Eka called me that hey Im there in 1h to pick you up. I went to shower, sun was shining, blues brothers cd was in the groove machine and I felt nicey. Today Im going to dye my hair. Yay. Last night we got some norther lights again. tonight seems to be clear also so...never know. Ooh My computer is playing silly gangstah bastards again, but I dont care. I care about it, when it tilts, but everything seems to be fine right now...I found great stuff from library! Elgar's cello concerto 85's note-book. Eek Im never going to learn to play it. It one of the hardest thing for cello. Its going to be my goal. Im sure that in 10 years Im talented enough to play it. Hehehe...
I also found jazz notes for cello, I can play some of 'em, very hard stuff, but something different to play than those BORING songs my teacher sometimes ask me to study. Well that's life.
And then I took some comics and movies!!! OOh Blues Brothers documentary, Summer of Kikujiro, Dogme #1 and Björks Volumen where there on the book shelf! That's raisio city library is best place ever!! Aaah! Its my secret heaven...
Tomorrow Im going to spend day with Eka. We havent been able to talk in ages. We planned to have car trip to somewhere next week. Spend whole day on the road and enjoy the feeling of adventure. We use to do those a lot two years ago and in summers, but hey, weather is great out there, we have free time and yay great piece of wheels under us, nothing can stop our ride...
I miss everyone in IRC. I dont know why I just dont go there and spend time with them. Im having somekind of erm...dunno how to put this..My heart and mind is having little tilt. Yes. Yeeesh. mm Mum came in to my room sec ago 'LOTTA! If you want ME to dye your hair, please, take the dog out...' And sky is full of little starts...Im going...Laters.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 21, 2001
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2001
Oh my. Quite a day. It started very not fine. I had rumba orchestra inside my head and I spend all day in bed...I wrote this blog too but then my computer tilted and I lost everything I wrote. Anyway it was all about that I didnt want to go to observatory and how I hated da idea that I had horrible headache and I should go to work in the cold cold observatory but hey! It was great...I tried to call to everyone, to Eka, to my sister, to Jani and such. My saldo ended. No one asnwered. Then I went online and send sms to Fredu, old old friend which phone number I found and such...He didnt asnwer anything. I went to observatory. Clear early night. Sky was beautiful. Petrus where there and I waited that group of old ppl to come. They arrived and I took money from them and Petrus started to make slide show. I placed telescopes ready and observed Venus. I went out to listen birds, felt very cold and then strange car drived in the observatory's yard. I thought that it was just someone I dont know or so...I was talking with Senni right then, and when that stranger was glimbing towards observatory I noticed who he was. 'Senni, guess who is walking towards me right now?'. She noticed amazed tune in my voice and knew right away: 'Fredu?'. Indeed. I quicly end the phone conversation with her and yelled 'LONG TIME NO SEE!'. It saved my day totally. 2 years since I last time talked with him. Soon I noticed that everything was like back then. We soon catch up thing that happend in those years and started to bully each others again. Soon sky went grazy. Like Fredu said 'sky started to party cause of my comeback'...Red, Orange, Green, Lilac notherlights soon filled whole sky. I've never saw anything like that in souther Finland or even in the middle of the goddamn city! It was amazing. I was feeling cold like a ice cube. We lauhged and jumped like mad mans screaming 'can you see that!! WHOOAH!!' and such. It lasted whole night, I think theres still some aurora borealis on the sky right now. It was AMAZING. I also observe planets like venus, jupiter and such tonight. I dont feel any bad about going there. Then Fredu drove me home. we chatted and he promised to keep touch. Im glad. Im very happy if I get that great personality in my social circle again. Oh anyway. Then I came back to home, watched Buffy, now Im here and soon Im going to sleep. Tomorrow Im having long day again. Have to wake up early, play cello, go to city, search job, come back to pic up cello, go back to city in my cello class, meet Senni after it (Music school is in same building that her school is, our lessons end in same time, so we meet then.) We go to city, get mum and we go to search new glasses to me, check out Senni's new apartment (She's moving there in next weekend, Im going to help her cause no one has time to do that...harhar), then maybe home to do something...trallalaaa.
What a great day. I've missed those beautiful nights at observatory and this one...it was perfect. Im full of happy energy. Meeting Petrus-dear was also great. Ah. Nobody is sleeping and I should do da same thing too.
I miss S7L. Where are you?
tiistaina, maaliskuuta 20, 2001
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2001
WHERE I'VE BEEN??
Everywhere...nowhere.
Right now Im having lazy gloomy sunday feeling, headache, coffee and
writing stuff. I spend yesterday in studio with Jukka again, which
was great, we did a lot of stuff ready to work with again...and what's
the greatest thing...I thought Jukka dont like my idea, I just dropped
it and now he's working with it...to make cover from Aretha Franklin's / Dusty Springfields song
called I dont want to lose this dream. Its the best song ever, Im totally
in love with it. It has that power inside it and oh...Im floating! I can
sing it! I can go on the stage and sing it! Someday...heheheheee.
Jukka send me one new very beautiful, quiet and blue kind of piano song
in thursday. It was ready in the same day. I think its the thoughtest
thing I've wrote. I mean...it has me inside it. When I sing it I almost
brake and start to sob...ppl that know me well enought know why. Maybe.
Its so easy to fall down the bottom, I know
Its so easy to just ignore
all the life that goes around you
cause up there you might be happy
and you might fall down again
they say its safe to life with pain
-
you dont have to die to feel alive
my friend there is so much to breat for
if you scream me to help you
I'll run
If I scream
would you come?
-
If you want to save yourself
you need to do it all alone
to open your eyes and be strong
you can search for instant happiness
you can live thru others hearts
but then are you really living?
-
you dont have to die to feel alive
my friend there is so much to breat for
if you scream me to help you
I WILL run
If I scream
would you come?
Anyway yadiyadiyaa. I havent done anything special in these days.
I've been offline, out from the IRC, feeling empty not depressed.
Im having somekind of little chrise here and nothing makes me ok.
I mean, music, yes and such. But...Im running around making other
ppl happy, but I dont get any satisfaction about it myself. Last friday,
few days ago I had great night with Epa. It was so nice, and I was
so sad that It had to end so quickly. Im glad that we're found our
way to be friends again. We almost were sisters back then and I think
I've had her in my life so long that I cannot live without her.
One positive thing also, that I and Petrus are friends together. We
had great day in wednesday. Tomorrow I'll see him again.
About friday. Epa called me that she have one extra ticket to symphony
orchestra concert tonight, would I join her to listen it? Where having
new music aboa music festival here in Turku and that concert was realated
with it. It was great one. After that we wandered around the nighty city
and walked and whined how cold we felt...Epa noticed that her friend
was sitting in one night cafe and we went in. Free coffee and cake we chatted and then
we went to Epa's place which is another side of the road. We put like
10 candles on, music and red wine and talked. Then was time to leave to
my last bus and I felt sad. I tried to get my mother to pick me, so I could
spend a bit more time there, but no. Epa came to wait bus with me.
We walked on the road when bunch of young mans walked towards us. I noticed
that one of them was one man I checked out in the cafe. He smiled at me and
when he was next to us he stopped and asked that were we in the cafe few hours ago.
We said yes, he smiled widely and said that oh then you maybe are part of the group.
Epa and I looked eachothers and asked 'what group?'. He looked amused 'Do you
believe in God?' Epa laughed and said no. I looked him as he gave me little flyer,
he was too handsome to be true ;) hahah anyway...I answered that I use to call
God ages ago so eagerly and nothing happend so...He asked my name, and said that he can
pray for me. I was like hey I dont have time to pray now cause my bus
come in one minute. Then he smiled and said 'Lotta, I'll remember YOU in my
pray tonight' and waved to me and turned his back and runned to catch his friends.
I was confused. That stranger hugged me mentally and bursted caring, even
tho he didnt know me. Epa and I runned to my bus stop and laughed. I dont believe in
god. I believe in myself and others. Well after all, Im happy that there is
humans who are willing to care. It made me happy. I remember that person in my
heart always. I hope I'll meet him someday again. Funny night. I came home
and drank coffee with mum and talked. I went to bed and falled asleep in second.
Next day I woke up, drank coffee and Jukka picked me up. Tadah.
Oh life. I dont know what's going on. Senni is moving in another apartment in few weeks again,
dad is moving in another apartment soon also, place that been there always
are fading away. Things are moving away from me and I just have to get
myself moving and catch 'em. I played cello today, I have this glumsy
piece of wood for few months til I find good cello which I can bought.
It will take like >20.000FIM from my purse, but...I CANNOT BREATH without it.
Its the thing I want to do. Aah headache is getting stronger. I want to go to irc
but Im too tired. I miss everyone.
The thing why Im offline so much is that I afraid everyone. Why? Dunno.
I maybe somehow test that If I go away, will they miss me, will they
call me and ask how's life? Im so tired to see ppl in computer screen,
that's why Im so alone cause I dont go and chat online. Where is my
real life? Do I have real ppl in my life? Im confused and I want to be
alone and scream quictly to get someone to hug me. As you can see,
this project never seccess so...
Im pathetic. I have to write to Janne. Nobody is getting wiser and oh how I love him.
right now he's walking around me and staring me. purrr purrr...
I love Dusty Springfield!! Aah this music makes me so wild!
douche ppl.
Tomorrow I have to go observatory. Work work. Oh I get touch to old
friend, old crush also, called Fredu. I havent heard about him like
in year or two. I'll try to meet him someday, he was great person and
I miss old times when he was part of the group. Im glad he answered to me.
This night is full of inspiration...part of it belongs to movie called lost highway made by
my idol David Lynch. That movie makes me burst joy and new thoughts everytime I see it.
Aaah...
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 18, 2001
torstaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2001
someone cheer me up
i cannot find joy from myself
torstaina, maaliskuuta 15, 2001
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 14, 2001
I want to write. I cant. Im half asleep. Past few days been totally running around, late home, quickly reading emails and that. I miss IRC friends I miss blogging. But I've promise to myself to write things down tomorrow. I came home while ago, My legs are tired I cannot move. My face is full of make up and Everything smells like powder. I want to clean my body and then close my eyes. I love a thought about getting some good rest. Im happy and Im tired. I love you and I'll be back.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 14, 2001
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 09, 2001
I've been suffering huge 'tilt' past two months. Its been horrible. 100 things in my head, what to do, where to start. Future to do, but no ideas what. Im very talented in many things. Ppl always hype about it for me, and Im somehow awere about those things, but its hard. Hard to open my heart. I've been in music all my life. Its been there, I've study it hard, I've breath it and when I walk I hear beats.Its scary somehow. I tropped music totally out from my life years ago and tried to put my heart in webdesigning and all other things. Then I gather a lot of courage and tried to get back to play cello, after 5 years of brake. I made it. It was almost impossible, even my father didnt believe that I could make it. He's been teacher in music school and knows how they pick theyre student. He was most amazed when I told the news....anyway. I studiet it after it very heard. Then I got job, which made me so empty and totally tired, I almost dropped it out from my life again. Things, changes filled my life (Im telling now about this moment), decitions about the future like school, what kind of job possibly, what I want to do...? and such. Ppl are moving around, relationships are like rollercoaster ride. I was in tilt, I felt empty. I havent felt anything in ages. _really_. I've been in mental tilt. I've disliked my life, myself, I've been thinking that there is nothing I can do.
I've hopped in and out from the 'music' path all my life, cause its been so scary. I've been too scary to watch myself in to eyes. I know what Im going to do now. I have somekind of line to follow. Cause I know myself quite well I can say that It will never be straight line...My life is always very stormy. 8) Anyway...Im not going to tell anything specific about my plans, but Im getting that tilt away, Im opening my thoughs and throwing away garbage.
OOh and tomorrow my old friend Säde will come to visit me.
Also tomorrow, I have gig with Epa. Eek Im feeling terrible right now and it sounds something I dont want to do right now, but I've promised and Its means a lot to Epa, so I'll do it. Im going to put Säde to spend time with Eka then. Theyre old friends too, so I can go and do da gig and then take Säde here and drink a lot of coffee and have conversations. that makes me happy.
Im having horrible headache. Tonight have been very aching in mental way, I've been going thru a lot - which means, I've cried. I do that hardly ever...Its painfull.
Oh still, life's opening again...
It makes me breath wildly! Laters. Nights!
perjantaina, maaliskuuta 09, 2001
torstaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2001
ooh Im so tired, death tired. perfect day but oh somehow so fragile. tho there is just 9minute of this day left, no one can brake it anymore...
I havent been able to chat with my step-mother in ages. today I spend like 1.5h with her talking on phone. There was so much to talk about. theyre moving, maybe, in huge house away from place I've loved since we moved there. my dreams, my nightmares, my memories and all are buried in that place, and theyre leaving from them. My granparents also are moving away from theyre beautiful place into city...all things change and there are nothing familiar in this world. usually theres even one place that's always been there in ones life, but not in mine. Senni moved away, Dad and Virpi are going to buy huge beautiful house 15km from Kajaani, Im going to get my own room (with parvi) which I can make to be what ever I wanna...old beautiful house. Even my dad wanna go there. its amazing. Im extremely happy that theyre dream maybe come true so fast so suddenly, but same time Im so sad SO sad that I have to let my secret hiding places go. Both...my dad's place in Kajaani in military area (my dad lives there cause he's working there also)...that beautiful little tiny lake with soft water that I havent met in other places...always warm and fresh, those endless forrest that I've learn to know totally...friends, old places where I use to play, houses that looks totally horrible but oh so dear to me. smell in the air, everything. so quite so peaceful. Now they move somewhere that Im totally isolated from the city. it will be great to, so great, but...(not totally isolated, 15min to city with bus/car) still!! And my granparents. I've moved in to another house and city all my life. I've been in 5 different schools when I was kid, I've changed them all the time, cause we moved, it was like nightmare...And only place that was in same city, same place since I was like 1year old girrrlie was our granparents place...soon its gone. WHY DOES I FEEL THIS WAY? I dont know. ok. I do know...cause I've been moving around so much I need places that are there for me. Now some things are going away from me (again) and I feel so sad. But I can handle it. Its just one sentimental feeling that floats into clouds. Theres nothing right now that I could keep close to my heart and say that its always been there for me.
And all I think is summer. Blues. Blues blues gigs with those lovely persons around me...Oh I miss them so much.
Im right now happysad again. Listening Dusty Springfield. I've decided to do my all to get rights to one of her (and also Aretha Franklins song...I think its made by Franklin...mm...) Anwyay IM SO IN LOVE with that song. Its like So made for my heart and I oh oh oh I cannot breath I cannot eat cause all I think is that beat, those horns that goddamn song and I just I just wanna do cover from it. I have to talk about it with Jukka. I have to I have to.
I had nice day...I spend it first with Eka. We had dinner at Rax...haha we ate yummy pizza and such with Jani. We called him and he said that he's there so we went there too. Eka paid for me and we just sit there and read swedish. It was fun. Then I went to pick my guitar and runned to Epa's place. Jamming session was nice...
Oh my. Senni's school food had something bad in it and now over half of school students and teachers are suffering da food poisoning thingie. I called to Senni afternoon and she was laughing and told me about it. She said that she dont believe that it hit to her, and hey see you at the city soonish, teachers cancelled all classes cause everybody just spread womit around. I said that ok great, I'll call you later. When I called she was at toilet womiting like mad man same as her talked with me (it sounded horrible) and...so Senni didnt join us. teachers at school send some medicines to all students. Hahha.
I sometimes hate my confusing inner life. Its empty, then its like rollercoaster, Im in clouds, ayayay then I drop back to the ground and then I hide. soon someone reminds me about something and I do my all NOT to float back to clouds. I keep myself steady. Im tired. I jam around and sing this song. Its my plan, Im going to get this recorded as cover, its my plan plan. yayyay. nights!
torstaina, maaliskuuta 08, 2001
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 07, 2001
mm one very perfect thing! I got e-mail from my japanese penpal Yuri. It made me extremely happy. She's always giving me very good mood. Aah.
I ate like kilo of pegan peanuts or something like that no idea what they were yummy thing and I should not eat any kind of peanuts. Im just addicted to 'em cause theyre so yummy. So when Eka opened the can full of those, I just ate, ate ate....now I feel extremely horrible and I need litres of water to get myself together. Gaah. but now, I'll go to cook late night dinner then to sleep.
Im doing new desing to this site. Say hi ho! yo yO! YAY! :))
Kill me. Im hyper active!
Nighty nite.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 07, 2001
I got two new sorb songs today...Im working with them right now. Im feeling quite empty, dunno why. I have so much to say, but no powers to wrote 'em down. Im trying to do that tomorrow. I spend today with Eka, her bday, she's 21 years old now. We had fun, and we started to read swedish together in group and really we do our best to learn it well. Eka is good with it, but Senni and I...we are quite poor. Tho I understand text very well from time to time but rest it crap. We had fun. I visited observatory. Beautiful night. I met Petrus. We're friends again. He's so great, I've missed him. He said that he cannot live without me, I said same. He asked can I forgive him blablabla we talk and then hugged and tadah. I feel a lot lighter and happy again. He's great friend of mine and he was huge part of my social life...Im glad things are ok now.
I've been wearing curly hair now two days. I look like 50's chick and its way cool! Ahahh. Tomorrow Im going to wash them away tho. But maybe someday again I'll let my mum to but those evil painfull things on my hair for one night (I couldnt sleep with 'em!!)...I was like doll. I looked extremely womanly, chich! Aah I enjoyed as long as it lasted...
Yay, photography project meeting planning session was nicey yesterday. We're shooting Senni's character, of course Im going to do make up's. Also were shooting my character too, in same session. It will be great. I cannot hardly wait to see results about my character...she's evil 'the bitch'...ahahha...mm Im not going to tell about it but it will be fun! :D
Tomorrow I have to meet Epa. Take guitar with me...mm I have to remember to do that...I have to. Now I have to write it somewhere to remember that. Eek...
I also meet Eka, I try to find job, we're going to eat something somewhere and hang around, til I have to go. Awww Im tiiired.
I need life. I need life. I need life.
I love Nobody.
keskiviikkona, maaliskuuta 07, 2001
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 05, 2001
Im listening Bikini Kill and humming...eating candy, drinking tea. Tomorrow Im going to have curly hair. I wanna spend one day as curly grrrlie =) Sigh. I wanna be at Bluestock jamming like crazy but here I am, still ill, bored and gloomy. Nothing happen in my world. No wars, No love, No man no womans, no cats, no lollipops no start to stare when you feel lonely. Its just me and my humble 'puter as soon I do warp back in real dimention. See you soon.
maanantaina, maaliskuuta 05, 2001
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2001
Im listening Portishead...While I was listening Emiliana Torrini long waited inspiration hitted me and whoah I got something done even! I made new desing for my homepage, I just started it so it takes awhile to get it done...but it looks nice. Its sappy and colorful. Well not colorfull with thousand colors, but...nicey...soon I should go to sleep. IRC is dead. Persons I really want to met are sleeping or something else. I havent even seen S7L online in ages and I do miss him. Im so patchetic. I feel like I cannot breath. I dont know where I got this feeling, maybe my fever is rising...mm...
sunnuntaina, maaliskuuta 04, 2001
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2001
Im listening Manic Street Preachers...Soon I'll put some The Gathering on...as soon this song is over...Why does my heart feels so bad?
Im "worried" about myself. I just watched Frasier...episode where Daphne
should have her weddings...and as we all know Frasiers brother (that cutie how's name I forgot
now, even tho I just used it like 2secs ago...bloody brains.) have alwats
been in love with Daphne. And goddamn, that episode was so emotional.
I've been watching that show many years now and this was one of the best.
Anyway...in the end they finally got each others and ooh. It was so great.
Theyre great actors. When it ended my mother turned her head and looked me,
and amazed. 'Lotta, what's going on? You dont usually cry for this kind of stuff'...
She didnt laugh or anything. She was just amazed and hugged me.
Im feeling empty. I want to cry. I feel terrible. no...in some way,
I dont feel nothing. I just feel very very empty.
That episode somehow touched me deeply. Goddamn I soon get angry for myself.
hehhe...:P I cannot really handle this kind of stuff, I've keep myself
out from feelings always, when I use to be behind my 100% self-control
and I still fight for it.
It creeps me to say this...I know that loneliness is sometimes powerfull
to kill. Im not thinking anything like that, heck no!! I miss Eka, she's
somewhere spending time at north, in her cabin. Wonderful place, been there,
done that, gotta t-shirt, and I very much want to go back...Im sick,
Ive been inside these goddamn walls over 3 weeks. Today I missed yev's
bday party, tomorrow I maybe have to stay home instead of going to sunday
jamming session with Epa...
I read a lot. right now, I want to stay with the books, full myself
with new things. Im feeling drowning cause I want to meet ppl. Still
somehow I want to torture myself and do something, read. read. read.
I havent been able to keep my nose on the book in ages...
And other thing...I feel like I want to cry all the time. Now. After
that Frasier show. I dont know why. I cannot follow myself. Im like little girl.
Oh well I try to ignore my empty sore feeling and listen good music.
OOH btw, I saw great document about Germaine Greer few days ago (she's
my idol) and I didnt understand to record it. Baka.
We put Nobody's glimbing 'tree' on its place today. its cool and Nobody
loves to sleep and stare at me from there. the 'tree' part of it is very
high. On the top of it theres furry shelf where he can sleep etc. Right
now we dont talk to each others cause we had fight about poo. I feel
extremely sad, and that's why I hope that he'll come to ask my friendship
here soonish. I want to hug him, but I cannot go and do that, cause
Im acting that he's done very wrong thing and Im very very mad about it.
Petrus called me yesterday. He asked will I come to Observatory, or
am I still ill. It made me very happy, cause he throw away my number,
Senni forced him to take it few weeks ago, and now he called me. Even
tho that conversation was just few minutes, it made me feel better.
I hope we'll find our friendship again.
mm laters.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2001
I play dead. it stops the hurting. Im listening Björks Play Dead ...in repeat. Night is still young.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2001
Again, Im very indeed ill. I wanna get rid of this pathetic flu now, but no...Again, I've been spending whole day with headache, sneezing my nose, throat so sore that I can hardly speak...fever...yev invite me to party tomorrow, but buhuu with this flu I think Im not able to go there, and that's makes me very sad and depressed. I havent got ppl around me in ages, I've spend time with myself mostly, reading and staring walls. Im weak and I will be even more weaker if Im having this flu even in next week. I should find job and do everything now, Im broke, but no...one day I felt (yesterday) that Im fine but then when I woke up today...But I had nice day yesterday. I met Senni and have little mix up with bus and went somewhere else in wrong direction when I've supposed to head to Senni's place. Anyway, we ate and laughed and watched tv, I made coffee and then I left. I was at home like 9am, Epa called me, we chatted a bit and then I was so tired and feeling weak that I just sitted in corner of our nice sofa all night, moved to bed, read book and played with Nobody. Then I slept, I saw horrible dreams and I felt extremely sick all night long...Sigh. Will this last forever? I've never been sick this long...well...few times but goddamn 3weeks already!! ROAR! I wanna live.
Im very eager to meet new ppl. Tomorrow I got a change, I want to meet yev and have somekind of social burst in my life for one sec. But If Im feeling like now...noway. Sigh. I start to be depressed. I've been very happy and positive all these weeks after my trip in sweden, ill at home, met no-one...sigh. Im drowning. No...Im not, but I do really feel like it. My iobox is messed up, this 'puter dont work and I've lost a lot of emails and e-mail address of ppl I want to mail...Im glad that Im going to have new computer soonish. I mean...Im very very sappy about that thought.
And Im very addicted to Dusty Springfields 60's-stuff. Oh my, Im floating.
lauantaina, maaliskuuta 03, 2001
torstaina, maaliskuuta 01, 2001
I saw very strange dream last night. I remember it while ago. Wensley from Buffy was in it. Gaah. I dont understand how he got in to my dream, it was very cool dark gothic wannabe dream and very very...well...strange, eh? ehhehee. Ehhehee. Anyway... :P
I hope I dont see that dream again when I go to sleep soonish.
But that dream is well...way better than not seeing any dreams...so...ehehee. Bah. Im tired! My text is poor loads of shit.
Anyway. I had same kind of day than yesterday. I have same kind of day, that I've been having in past few weeks. Waking up, feeling horrible, painkillers or something. Maybe back to sleep. Done nothing.
just reading. Oh I went for a walk with dog in dark cold beautiful night, forrest was magical! Moon was on the sky and everything glitter like in Xmas cards...Ekhowl called me in afternoon, while I was watching live program from tv about that stupid Finnish skiing Doping Scandal...Oh Bloody stupid sport! :P
Tomorrow I have to, I HAVE TO wake up early and leave to town. I have 100 things to do. I have to meet Senni to get back my massive attack cd. Im tired. Im feeling like flear in the tree. So light. Im floating!!
I need money, that's why I need job. I want to study, that's why I have to go to school...so many plans, so much to do for 'em. Im all alone, bearly having touch to real world, I dont have 'life'...If I need strainght or power and stuff I have to get it from myself. That's why Im so fucked up sometimes, cause Im tired of myself. Im tired to fight for future all alone. But I think that's my way, that's my thing. I cannot see myself with someone, and yes I do have great friends, even in this town, but Im so weak after this goddamn *grr* influenza that I cannot get myself in to bus. Im terrible person ... and stuff. Sigh. And when Im tired I bable about stupid things I dont really mean, so please ignore what I said. trallalaa.
Im addicted to music. Im sick of that I should have cello lessons in wednesday. I dont have cello right now, I havent heard about my teacher in ages, Im going to loose my fucking mind if I cant play! AARGH...oh oh happy news!! Jukka send me new songs to work with, I think Im going to get 'em tomorrow, so ooh that's make me happy. Yay.
Mirror Mirror on the wall who's the fearest of them all...Bless.
torstaina, maaliskuuta 01, 2001
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